THEN and NOW- Journal entry, June 20 2009

THEN

I wrote this in my journal a month and a half before I quit gymnastics. I had been really depressed.

God, I have so many despairing thoughts that I cannot decide if they are worth putting into words.

What thoughts are worth putting into words except the joyful ones that have some beauty?

I don't find peace in writing anymore.

Add some lamplight, some inspiration, some deep emotion, and a little patience, and see what happens.

A couple beautiful things I noticed today:

• Petrichor and chocolate are the perfect combination after a joyful day at work, to bring out any thoughts from the days past
• I saw the ground resist water today!
• Poppies smell good
• Tomorrow is the solstice

I slept really badly last night.
My mind was racing and my body was jittery. I am emotionally exhausted.

I hate church. I just want to be alone. I don't fit in. I feel bound by obligation to go and it makes my free side uneasy. I think about things too much.
I think about gym, I think about CrossFit.
I think about pain (and ignoring it)
I think about reading boring stuff cause I know it will benefit me.
I think about eating enough for once.
I think about maybe feeling better about my future one day.
I think about what life would be like without gymnastics.

Is it possible to get an academic scholarship [as a homeschooler]?

How about quitting gym and training people and homeschooling and Crossfitting full time. And then raising enough money by training to attend St. John's and then graduating and training Crossfit full time.

That is what I want.

But of course, I'm still naive and don't know exactly what's best for me.

I'll just live through this hellish gymnastics period and become a great Olympian.

You can tell I'm depressed by my extreme sarcasm...

Lord, help me.


NOW

I am free.
The dreams about homeschooling and training CrossFit to raise enough money for St. John's are coming true. That is my life right now. Could I have ever imagined at that time that the Lord had these plans in mind for me? I thought I was joking about the impossible then. It was along the same lines as "I want to fly to the moon." Pshh yeah right. Quit gymnastics. Impossible.

In retrospect it was the hardest thing I ever did. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of it now, that I felt abandoned by the Lord himself. I hardly ever prayed back then, because I thought that the Lord wanted me in gymnastics. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hated it. Of course he knew, better than I, what my true future held. He planted this "ridiculous" thought in my head that I would go to St. John's and be paid for coaching. I didn't know then that the prospect of working for Burgener awaited me. I had no power then to bring into actualization these things my soul longed for. All I knew was that I felt powerless to live my life the way I wanted to live. I felt like I was in a prison, a cage that I had already fully explored. I wandered in the darkness and despaired at my powerlessness in bringing about my desire to fly.

There was a battle. The Lord went before me and behind me. I articulated my desire to fly to Yulia, and she put up quite a fight. She merely told me that I would never soar, that I would fall deeper into the darkness. What I did not understand was how one who could have mentored me and encouraged me, and been a mother figure to me turn against me and become my enemy. That broke my heart most of all, how I could not have a relationship with one whom I admired so much.

Since then
I've found community in church, and no longer feel "obligated" to go. I am simply nourished by it, and go because I love the people.
I still think about things too much, but it's mostly in joy.
I still think about gym sometimes, but it's mostly in the realization that the Lord was near to me all along, and had ordained it all for bringing glory to his name.
I hardly ever think about pain. If it is there I do not ignore it, because it is a message telling me that things are not right. I either need to rest my body, or come back to walk in the truth.
I have gotten into the great habit of eating enough (and taking my vitamins), something I was terrible at back then because my mind was so scattered. Interestingly, not eating enough eventually led to my injury, which in turn led to my retirement.
I feel GREAT about my future!


I find the greatest peace in writing prayers and the Word of God spoken to my heart.
Petrichor and chocolate still go great together!

God knows our hearts so much better than we do!!!