The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way."
Chambers
By what authority do I write these things? I asked the Lord the other day. I cannot see how I, a child who has not suffered, a child with little experience of the world... could speak with such confidence. By the world, this wisdom is "way beyond me" as I've been told. I don't deny that I speak a wisdom beyond my age (and experience), but what if I say that "These words are not my own"? These words I speak are not my wisdom at all.
I mentioned in a recent post that I felt very protected as a child, meaning I had a beautiful and full childhood. I was allowed this, not because my father sheltered me or kept me away from experiencing the world out of fear that I would be hurt, but because my Father surrounded me with light out of love, and shaped me according to His plan for my life. An example of this is found in my recent discovery of the darknesses that have hung over my family. Until I was 12 years old, I lived in oblivion, the lightness and playfulness of my imagination, with an awareness of the gentle hand of a Heavenly Being constantly covering me and gifting me. When I reached that age, things were gradually revealed to me. The darkness was slowly brought to the light, but I was still unaffected by it. Secrets were revealed gently, and minimal tears were cried.
I compare this experience to that of my siblings and peers, and recognize a very strange contrast. I can still hardly understand it. I look at their lives and ask "Why isn't there the same pervasive joy and light that I feel and see in every aspect of my life?" The difficulties in being this "sheltered child" are subtle. The main difficulty is being looked down upon because I have not suffered.... and therefore have not experienced.
Of course that is a lie, but it has been unconsciously told to me. Because I have not experienced pain, endured it, grown from it, etc. I don't have the wisdom or merit because there is no experience to stand upon? I call BS.
I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. I keep this blog, and speak my mind with confidence. I live in the peace of God, in childlikeness, standing and resting upon the truth that he sees me as righteous. This does not mean that I have authority, or am righteous in myself. It does not mean that I have ANYTHING to boast in. I am alive because of Christ and Christ alone.
I am a finite vessel, used for common or noble purposes... I cannot say for sure. But I am a vessel. This means that when the Lord fills me to the brim I begin to overflow. I have a need to write these things.
But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
Jeremiah20:9
My favorite passages in the entire bible are John 14 and 15, when Christ speaks to his disciples about being one with the Father and remaining in Him. "Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work."
I like this particular passage because it affirms to me that I have no authority to boast in, or merit to stand upon. I am simply a vessel, a very beloved one. Being a child of God, accepting his gifts and REMAINING IN HIM is all that is asked of me. "Then we will bear much fruit--fruit that will last."
When I asked Him by what authority I speak, He said "I praise the Father in Heaven, because He has revealed these things to the little children."
Blessed are the little children, He said, who have experienced very little, who have not lived enough to be hurt, are always faithful, humble, and in need of a protector.
I cannot keep my personality from coming through on this blog, and I have been wary and a little fearful that I would make impressions of myself... But I can remain confident that I lack any and all authority or merit to claim that these words I speak are true. I can only trust that the authority is the Father's, and the reason I am heard is because He speaks.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah55:10-11
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
What the new year holds
I am struck with a conviction. It challenges me to rest in the life that is given me. I have never had this problem to this degree, where I look on the other side of the fence and think that the grass is greener. I realize it's not much better over there, that the grass is green on both sides, and beauty and joy found in all things.
I am put in check by these words of Ruskin, about the BEAUTY OF REPOSE:
"As opposed to passion, changefulness, or laborious exertion, repose is the especial and separating characteristic of the eternal mind and power; it is the "I AM" of the Creator opposed to the "I become" of all creatures; it is the sign alike of the supreme knowledge which is incapable of surprise, the supreme power which is incapable of labor, the supreme volition which is incapable of change; it is the stillness of the beams of the eternal chambers laid upon the variable waters of ministering creatures..."
The Lord has stilled my hunger for fellowship in many ways in the last weeks, including allowing Aimee and Don to be here. Although we have not spent as much time together as I would have liked, they seem to to have brought a goodness and hope with them that I feed off. It can be attributed to the amounts they speak of Annapolis and school. But they are happy to be away... I see how much Aimee loves her city, Seattle in all its majesty. She is giddy as she shows Donald around her home. I realize that there is so much more of my home to see, which is the blunt of my conviction.
With the combination of ceasing to strive for fellowship, seeing Aimee's love for home, and the impending prospect of leaving in 8 months, I have resolved to live... to the fullest extent. This is not the first time I've made this resolution, and have been generally successful in carrying it out; I love my life, and can complain about nothing. I don't believe in "new year resolutions" because it seems to confine making resolutions to just the beginning of the year. Instead I see the value in day to day resolutions, or even better: moment to moment.
This is just the first time that I can make this resolution with REPOSE in mind, finding freedom in allowing the GREAT I AM to rest over me. I also realize that the first step in making plans is accepting where you are, or to put a different way: Embracing NOW, in order to enjoy LATER.
I rarely speak of what I am going to do beyond the day to day plans because I understand that the Lord's ways are spontaneous. I trust in His promises and put my hope in Him, knowing that I cannot possibly imagine the ways He wishes to satisfy me. In the last year, He has promised me great things for my life, which is a great reason to be excited. But it is my job to rest and trust in Him and not strive, stretch, or strain for their fulfillment. I rest in this truth:
God is not human, that he should lie, not a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Number 23:19
The picture above was taken on a little adventure to Snoqualmie Pass last weekend with Papa. I love that light on the snow. I'll be making some other expeditions of that nature in the next months, I hope. Frank has offered to teach me to snowboard. We'll make it happen.
Embrace it, Kallista. Seattle has culture, activity, music, people, and the buzz buzz buzz of city life whose likeness cannot be found elsewhere. There will be no other time or opportunity like the coming months and days when your heart is prepared only for the now. God has given you the ability to appreciate. There is nothing like this moment.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
THEN and NOW- Journal entry, June 20 2009
THEN
I wrote this in my journal a month and a half before I quit gymnastics. I had been really depressed.
God, I have so many despairing thoughts that I cannot decide if they are worth putting into words.
What thoughts are worth putting into words except the joyful ones that have some beauty?
I don't find peace in writing anymore.
Add some lamplight, some inspiration, some deep emotion, and a little patience, and see what happens.
A couple beautiful things I noticed today:
My mind was racing and my body was jittery. I am emotionally exhausted.
I hate church. I just want to be alone. I don't fit in. I feel bound by obligation to go and it makes my free side uneasy. I think about things too much.
I think about gym, I think about CrossFit.
I think about pain (and ignoring it)
I think about reading boring stuff cause I know it will benefit me.
I think about eating enough for once.
I think about maybe feeling better about my future one day.
I think about what life would be like without gymnastics.
Is it possible to get an academic scholarship [as a homeschooler]?
How about quitting gym and training people and homeschooling and Crossfitting full time. And then raising enough money by training to attend St. John's and then graduating and training Crossfit full time.
That is what I want.
But of course, I'm still naive and don't know exactly what's best for me.
I'll just live through this hellish gymnastics period and become a great Olympian.
You can tell I'm depressed by my extreme sarcasm...
Lord, help me.
NOW
I am free.
The dreams about homeschooling and training CrossFit to raise enough money for St. John's are coming true. That is my life right now. Could I have ever imagined at that time that the Lord had these plans in mind for me? I thought I was joking about the impossible then. It was along the same lines as "I want to fly to the moon." Pshh yeah right. Quit gymnastics. Impossible.
In retrospect it was the hardest thing I ever did. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of it now, that I felt abandoned by the Lord himself. I hardly ever prayed back then, because I thought that the Lord wanted me in gymnastics. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hated it. Of course he knew, better than I, what my true future held. He planted this "ridiculous" thought in my head that I would go to St. John's and be paid for coaching. I didn't know then that the prospect of working for Burgener awaited me. I had no power then to bring into actualization these things my soul longed for. All I knew was that I felt powerless to live my life the way I wanted to live. I felt like I was in a prison, a cage that I had already fully explored. I wandered in the darkness and despaired at my powerlessness in bringing about my desire to fly.
There was a battle. The Lord went before me and behind me. I articulated my desire to fly to Yulia, and she put up quite a fight. She merely told me that I would never soar, that I would fall deeper into the darkness. What I did not understand was how one who could have mentored me and encouraged me, and been a mother figure to me turn against me and become my enemy. That broke my heart most of all, how I could not have a relationship with one whom I admired so much.
Since then
I've found community in church, and no longer feel "obligated" to go. I am simply nourished by it, and go because I love the people.
I still think about things too much, but it's mostly in joy.
I still think about gym sometimes, but it's mostly in the realization that the Lord was near to me all along, and had ordained it all for bringing glory to his name.
I hardly ever think about pain. If it is there I do not ignore it, because it is a message telling me that things are not right. I either need to rest my body, or come back to walk in the truth.
I have gotten into the great habit of eating enough (and taking my vitamins), something I was terrible at back then because my mind was so scattered. Interestingly, not eating enough eventually led to my injury, which in turn led to my retirement.
I feel GREAT about my future!
I find the greatest peace in writing prayers and the Word of God spoken to my heart.
Petrichor and chocolate still go great together!
God knows our hearts so much better than we do!!!
I wrote this in my journal a month and a half before I quit gymnastics. I had been really depressed.
God, I have so many despairing thoughts that I cannot decide if they are worth putting into words.
What thoughts are worth putting into words except the joyful ones that have some beauty?
I don't find peace in writing anymore.
Add some lamplight, some inspiration, some deep emotion, and a little patience, and see what happens.
A couple beautiful things I noticed today:
- Petrichor and chocolate are the perfect combination after a joyful day at work, to bring out any thoughts from the days past
- I saw the ground resist water today!
- Poppies smell good
- Tomorrow is the solstice
My mind was racing and my body was jittery. I am emotionally exhausted.
I hate church. I just want to be alone. I don't fit in. I feel bound by obligation to go and it makes my free side uneasy. I think about things too much.
I think about gym, I think about CrossFit.
I think about pain (and ignoring it)
I think about reading boring stuff cause I know it will benefit me.
I think about eating enough for once.
I think about maybe feeling better about my future one day.
I think about what life would be like without gymnastics.
Is it possible to get an academic scholarship [as a homeschooler]?
How about quitting gym and training people and homeschooling and Crossfitting full time. And then raising enough money by training to attend St. John's and then graduating and training Crossfit full time.
That is what I want.
But of course, I'm still naive and don't know exactly what's best for me.
I'll just live through this hellish gymnastics period and become a great Olympian.
You can tell I'm depressed by my extreme sarcasm...
Lord, help me.
NOW
I am free.
The dreams about homeschooling and training CrossFit to raise enough money for St. John's are coming true. That is my life right now. Could I have ever imagined at that time that the Lord had these plans in mind for me? I thought I was joking about the impossible then. It was along the same lines as "I want to fly to the moon." Pshh yeah right. Quit gymnastics. Impossible.
In retrospect it was the hardest thing I ever did. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of it now, that I felt abandoned by the Lord himself. I hardly ever prayed back then, because I thought that the Lord wanted me in gymnastics. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hated it. Of course he knew, better than I, what my true future held. He planted this "ridiculous" thought in my head that I would go to St. John's and be paid for coaching. I didn't know then that the prospect of working for Burgener awaited me. I had no power then to bring into actualization these things my soul longed for. All I knew was that I felt powerless to live my life the way I wanted to live. I felt like I was in a prison, a cage that I had already fully explored. I wandered in the darkness and despaired at my powerlessness in bringing about my desire to fly.
There was a battle. The Lord went before me and behind me. I articulated my desire to fly to Yulia, and she put up quite a fight. She merely told me that I would never soar, that I would fall deeper into the darkness. What I did not understand was how one who could have mentored me and encouraged me, and been a mother figure to me turn against me and become my enemy. That broke my heart most of all, how I could not have a relationship with one whom I admired so much.
Since then
I've found community in church, and no longer feel "obligated" to go. I am simply nourished by it, and go because I love the people.
I still think about things too much, but it's mostly in joy.
I still think about gym sometimes, but it's mostly in the realization that the Lord was near to me all along, and had ordained it all for bringing glory to his name.
I hardly ever think about pain. If it is there I do not ignore it, because it is a message telling me that things are not right. I either need to rest my body, or come back to walk in the truth.
I have gotten into the great habit of eating enough (and taking my vitamins), something I was terrible at back then because my mind was so scattered. Interestingly, not eating enough eventually led to my injury, which in turn led to my retirement.
I feel GREAT about my future!
I find the greatest peace in writing prayers and the Word of God spoken to my heart.
Petrichor and chocolate still go great together!
God knows our hearts so much better than we do!!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Seattle City lights you burn my eyes
A night out on the town with Lynn to see the caroling contest and Seattle Christmas lights.
Giving thanks
I ate so much great food prepared by Bethany and Brianna, then drank two glasses of wine and went home to sleep. Apparently the party started when I left with several games of janga and the taking of shots.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
quarante deux
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Let's talk literal
I'm sitting listening to Coldplay pandora. It's making me very happy hearing all my favorite songs one after another. It's late and my sleep is kinda wacky because I slept all day. It feels like morning; I just ate paleo pancakes. I'm still sick, so I'll probably hit the sack after finishing this post.
I realize I haven't done a "day in the life" sort of post in a while. Talking about my superficial life comes less naturally than talking about love and the soul, but I still think it's important to slip one of these in every so often to help maintain my identity as a human being, and not just a virtual floater. I'll try to update more often.
I've been sick for the last few days, and needless to say, in a valley spiritually. But I'm hanging in there.
I've been generally alone and unable to find fellowship lately. Though they are few, I'm grateful for the people who are here for me, like Nate and Allison. It perks me up to see them a couple times a week when I'm at the gym in the evenings. I feel for the first time that I am hungry for more than I am capable of asking for, but still he urges me "ask, contend, knock, fight." I don't always understand. I'm so tired of fighting for it. I really just want to lie down and rest, receive, and drink. I'm so ready to see the Lord's hand work in this place, see people healed, their eyes opened, and walking in the light of truth. It helps to think back to those times when I was overwhelmed by his blessings and realized that all I ever really wanted was more of Him. The treat is really in His eyes, not His hands. I've been praying with Laurel pretty consistently and it is really nourishing. It keeps me going.
I've been reflecting on the year. It has been a wild ride since visiting Annapolis last December. Many desires have been satisfied, my heart has gone through an incredible transformation. Life is alive now more than ever. Prospects are shining. I can't wait for the future, but at the same time constantly relearning to embrace the moment... the simple pleasures. Life is what happens to us when we're making plans. Live live live where you are, Kalli. I often have to remind myself.
I think of when Ruskin talks about beauty of REPOSE. It comes from God's restful I AM, versus the constant striving and reaching "I shall become" of mortal beings. I must simply BE, and allow the great I AM to rest over me and run through me. That I think, is what it means to live in the moment.
My heart aches to be back on the east coast. I crave the small town community and brick streets and the feeling of being a Johnnie. I crave the fruits of the classics, discussing ideas, having peers who are passionate like me! I'm sending all my applications in during the next couple weeks (except Marlboro because there is another essay I'll need to put together). Harvard Marlboro Stanford Dartmouth Middlebury. All such different schools, with attractive qualities and not so attractive ones....
I'm still waiting for someone to convince me that one of these is much better for me than SJC. That'll be the day...
Tuesday we will be watching a French film in class (my vote is for Jeunet's City of Lost Children). My oral final is Thursday. The same day, Aimee and her man-friend Donald are arriving to visit for 2 weeks! I'm really excited to see them. Acacia and Daniel are coming too, but I don't know when they will be here. Acacia sounds super stoked to be almost done with her senior year. It's funny to see her in a place I can never imagine myself being in. I'm so eager to be at school, she's so eager to be done! It makes me smile. Daniel's almost done with Airborne. He jumped out a plane I heard. Ooooh I can't wait to snuggle when they visit. It's gonna be so goooood.
No matter what is going on the glory and love of my Father overshadows the circumstances. I feel nearer and more aware of His presence now than any other time in my life. He pours out his words into my heart till I cannot hold them any longer and they end up on here. It's a good outlet.
I'm listening to Aqualung sing
What a feeling in my soul, love runs brighter than sunshine...
Goodnight.
I realize I haven't done a "day in the life" sort of post in a while. Talking about my superficial life comes less naturally than talking about love and the soul, but I still think it's important to slip one of these in every so often to help maintain my identity as a human being, and not just a virtual floater. I'll try to update more often.
I've been sick for the last few days, and needless to say, in a valley spiritually. But I'm hanging in there.
I've been generally alone and unable to find fellowship lately. Though they are few, I'm grateful for the people who are here for me, like Nate and Allison. It perks me up to see them a couple times a week when I'm at the gym in the evenings. I feel for the first time that I am hungry for more than I am capable of asking for, but still he urges me "ask, contend, knock, fight." I don't always understand. I'm so tired of fighting for it. I really just want to lie down and rest, receive, and drink. I'm so ready to see the Lord's hand work in this place, see people healed, their eyes opened, and walking in the light of truth. It helps to think back to those times when I was overwhelmed by his blessings and realized that all I ever really wanted was more of Him. The treat is really in His eyes, not His hands. I've been praying with Laurel pretty consistently and it is really nourishing. It keeps me going.
I've been reflecting on the year. It has been a wild ride since visiting Annapolis last December. Many desires have been satisfied, my heart has gone through an incredible transformation. Life is alive now more than ever. Prospects are shining. I can't wait for the future, but at the same time constantly relearning to embrace the moment... the simple pleasures. Life is what happens to us when we're making plans. Live live live where you are, Kalli. I often have to remind myself.
I think of when Ruskin talks about beauty of REPOSE. It comes from God's restful I AM, versus the constant striving and reaching "I shall become" of mortal beings. I must simply BE, and allow the great I AM to rest over me and run through me. That I think, is what it means to live in the moment.
My heart aches to be back on the east coast. I crave the small town community and brick streets and the feeling of being a Johnnie. I crave the fruits of the classics, discussing ideas, having peers who are passionate like me! I'm sending all my applications in during the next couple weeks (except Marlboro because there is another essay I'll need to put together). Harvard Marlboro Stanford Dartmouth Middlebury. All such different schools, with attractive qualities and not so attractive ones....
I'm still waiting for someone to convince me that one of these is much better for me than SJC. That'll be the day...
Tuesday we will be watching a French film in class (my vote is for Jeunet's City of Lost Children). My oral final is Thursday. The same day, Aimee and her man-friend Donald are arriving to visit for 2 weeks! I'm really excited to see them. Acacia and Daniel are coming too, but I don't know when they will be here. Acacia sounds super stoked to be almost done with her senior year. It's funny to see her in a place I can never imagine myself being in. I'm so eager to be at school, she's so eager to be done! It makes me smile. Daniel's almost done with Airborne. He jumped out a plane I heard. Ooooh I can't wait to snuggle when they visit. It's gonna be so goooood.
No matter what is going on the glory and love of my Father overshadows the circumstances. I feel nearer and more aware of His presence now than any other time in my life. He pours out his words into my heart till I cannot hold them any longer and they end up on here. It's a good outlet.
I'm listening to Aqualung sing
What a feeling in my soul, love runs brighter than sunshine...
Goodnight.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Valley, Part 4: A Feast
"I want a crumb, but you are a FEAST.
I want a song, but you are a SYMPHONY.
I want a star, but you are a GALAXY.
I've resolved that I'm much better off
with what you have for me." -Bebo Norman
In the night I continued to walk through the sand and over rocks. I let my thoughts wander. In my imagination I began to touch, feel, and smell the feast which the Father was preparing on the table before me. Oh I was so hungry! I snapped to reality and found my feet treading in a lush field of moist grass. I looked up and saw the stars. I breathed in the beauty and lifted my hands. "Holy Spirit, rain your blessing down upon me. I know you want to. Let me know your love."
The night of feasting began with a call from a friend, "I'll pick you up at 3:30." It was Black Friday. Traffic was horrendous; she arrived at 4. We spent another 2 hours in the car maneuvering downtown to pick up Brielle, and finally found our ghetto cafe where we sat and enjoyed conversation over greasy food.
After food and a good measure of venting our woes to one another, I suggested we pray. I had told them of this desert and the night alone, and how hungry I was for the Love of God in form of fellowship. I also told them of the glorious revelation I had received that joy is found in the midst of all things! As we drove to a quiet place to park and pray in the car we joked about going to get after-dinner drinks at some bar. Alisha said "I could use a beer after talking like that..." I said, "You know what I'd really like? To get drunk on the Spirit..."
Little did I suspect that the Father chuckled to himself when I said this.
We prayed in the Spirit. Brielle prophesied over me and Alisha. I got really really really drunk. I spent the rest of the evening resting in the Love of the Father, in his silliness, as he spoke to me and played with me in my thoughts.
We three friends sat in Empire Cafe in Columbia city and laughed over tea. It was so great because Jesus was really demanding attention from the other people in the coffee shop. He would talk really loud, and I would say "Shhhh" and we would both crack up. I didn't care, obviously, because I was so happy. I laughed because it was contrary to my nature to demand so much attention. But I was shining so brightly and getting such funny images that I would literally laugh out loud and not care what heads turned.
Then there were the times I would just sit in silence and giggle to myself. I tried to heal the steam burn on Brielle's hand. I tried three times, and when nothing happened, I forgot what I was doing and just started playing with her fingers. As I wiggled her pretty fingers I sang "you are soooo beautiful." They were His fingers.
I got this hilarious picture of Love Casting Out Fear. LOVE was a giant monster of light going CHOMP CHOMP RUMP RUMP (nom nom nom) and FEAR was like AAAHHHH, running away on wimpy little legs. Haha, I laughed really hard at that one.
I was childlike, simple, and secure. I drank and drank and drank as He spoke to me and assured me that I had not been hoping in vain, that I would receive everything I desired and MORE. He told me that He wanted my heart most of all, because I was made by Him, His child, His creation, and all he wanted to do was sing songs of my beauty.
I rejoice over you with gladness,
I quiet you with my love,
I rejoice over you with singing.
There is more to this feast. That whole night I got the sense that this was only the beginning; it was only the appetizer.
Since that night I have had more of an awareness that He is surrounding me. There is more joy in ordinary things, and He is always in the same room with me if not sitting right next to me, looking over my shoulder as I write, in the gym as I coach, or smiling over people and showing me where to direct His love.
This first course whetted my hunger, and gave me strength to endure the night.
I want a song, but you are a SYMPHONY.
I want a star, but you are a GALAXY.
I've resolved that I'm much better off
with what you have for me." -Bebo Norman
In the night I continued to walk through the sand and over rocks. I let my thoughts wander. In my imagination I began to touch, feel, and smell the feast which the Father was preparing on the table before me. Oh I was so hungry! I snapped to reality and found my feet treading in a lush field of moist grass. I looked up and saw the stars. I breathed in the beauty and lifted my hands. "Holy Spirit, rain your blessing down upon me. I know you want to. Let me know your love."
The night of feasting began with a call from a friend, "I'll pick you up at 3:30." It was Black Friday. Traffic was horrendous; she arrived at 4. We spent another 2 hours in the car maneuvering downtown to pick up Brielle, and finally found our ghetto cafe where we sat and enjoyed conversation over greasy food.
After food and a good measure of venting our woes to one another, I suggested we pray. I had told them of this desert and the night alone, and how hungry I was for the Love of God in form of fellowship. I also told them of the glorious revelation I had received that joy is found in the midst of all things! As we drove to a quiet place to park and pray in the car we joked about going to get after-dinner drinks at some bar. Alisha said "I could use a beer after talking like that..." I said, "You know what I'd really like? To get drunk on the Spirit..."
Little did I suspect that the Father chuckled to himself when I said this.
We prayed in the Spirit. Brielle prophesied over me and Alisha. I got really really really drunk. I spent the rest of the evening resting in the Love of the Father, in his silliness, as he spoke to me and played with me in my thoughts.
We three friends sat in Empire Cafe in Columbia city and laughed over tea. It was so great because Jesus was really demanding attention from the other people in the coffee shop. He would talk really loud, and I would say "Shhhh" and we would both crack up. I didn't care, obviously, because I was so happy. I laughed because it was contrary to my nature to demand so much attention. But I was shining so brightly and getting such funny images that I would literally laugh out loud and not care what heads turned.
Then there were the times I would just sit in silence and giggle to myself. I tried to heal the steam burn on Brielle's hand. I tried three times, and when nothing happened, I forgot what I was doing and just started playing with her fingers. As I wiggled her pretty fingers I sang "you are soooo beautiful." They were His fingers.
I got this hilarious picture of Love Casting Out Fear. LOVE was a giant monster of light going CHOMP CHOMP RUMP RUMP (nom nom nom) and FEAR was like AAAHHHH, running away on wimpy little legs. Haha, I laughed really hard at that one.
I was childlike, simple, and secure. I drank and drank and drank as He spoke to me and assured me that I had not been hoping in vain, that I would receive everything I desired and MORE. He told me that He wanted my heart most of all, because I was made by Him, His child, His creation, and all he wanted to do was sing songs of my beauty.
I rejoice over you with gladness,
I quiet you with my love,
I rejoice over you with singing.
There is more to this feast. That whole night I got the sense that this was only the beginning; it was only the appetizer.
Since that night I have had more of an awareness that He is surrounding me. There is more joy in ordinary things, and He is always in the same room with me if not sitting right next to me, looking over my shoulder as I write, in the gym as I coach, or smiling over people and showing me where to direct His love.
This first course whetted my hunger, and gave me strength to endure the night.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
The Valley, Part 3: A Revelation
The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
There were songs, angels songs. They sang and rejoiced over me. I asked "Lord, why do they rejoice when I am suffering so?"He asked me back, "Why are you suffering child?" Then He answered himself, by reminding me with a glimpse of the young princess wearing royal colors and walking in the footsteps of Jesus.
Of course! I AM MEANT TO LIVE FOR SO MUCH MORE!
They are rejoicing because I have been counted worthy to share in the sufferings of Christ. Why! I am living this reality right now: I am walking in His footsteps, through the desert, into the darkness, among the demon possessed, to the cross!
In my life, My old self is taken to the cross again and again. I am closer, indeed I am there, to that reality of how I am seen by the Father in Heaven.
The perfect Bride,
Glorified.
Beautiful inside His eyes.
I consider that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.
So there is a reason to rejoice in my sufferings! Not only so, but I have the choice to rejoice. I am not bound by my circumstances, or the way things appear. Yes, I am in pain, but I am not obliged to give darkness a foothold. I give all power and glory to Christ. Because, you see, this pain is a hindrance... or more accurately, when I acknowledge and give darkness power by pitying myself, it is a hindrance.
"Beloved, this is not your inheritance.
Run the race. Rejoice. Dance.
I give you strength."
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
The Valley, Part 2: A Night Alone
Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me.
I awoke in the darkness, and felt a heaviness. The reality of my hunger and neediness for fellowship could not be ignored. I needed a hug and someone to tell me a truth, any truth. I needed to hear it from some other lips. I wanted to sing a hymn, and hear a voice other than mine. I wanted to love and receive something in return.
In my emptiness, I was frustrated because nothing satisfied me. There was nothing in my life that could fill this hunger for fellowship. I even felt alone at church. I did not connect with people my age because, well frankly, I was just at a different point in my life.
Even in the places that were supposed to be flowing with living water, I could not drink.
I was so hungry for someone to be intimate with, someone to call my own, my friend, mon ami, divine philia. I would die a million times over just to have a Jonathan.
I was ashamed of my neediness. Why was I ashamed? I thought that I SHOULD know how to be self-sustained, I SHOULD know how to live alone, learn alone, be alone and thrive. I was alone and was not thriving, so I was ashamed. But this was a lie.
I began to live in the truth that I indeed was hungry, and it was ok to be needy, to want someone who was full of living water to embrace me and tell me they loved me. I wanted a feast, but I would do anything for plain old bread and water. I saw plain old bread and water all around me, but could not reach it some how. I was frustrated and cried out
My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, “When will you comfort me?”
I think I died a thousand deaths in this time, waiting, surrendering, fainting, suffering. I did not understand it, but I never thought God was unkind. I knew he was the only friend I had, so why should I be angry with him? Why should I curse Him when he loved me with an everlasting love?
I was broken and starving.
Instead of cursing, I sang through my tears hoping He would hear "My God, I love you even while you slay me!"
And in reply, He said "Kalli, you are still most beautiful when you cry."
I smiled at this, in spite of the pain, in spite of the feeling that I was in pieces on the floor. Truly no one could put me back together. No one could restore my life, or make it better, but the one who held me in his hands and carried me as a lamb close to his heart. I turned my desires toward him. Somehow I received the strength to uplift my eyes to his face. I recognized a calmness and joy on it that seemed to say, "Yes, it is true, everything is right where I want it." I could tell He had been crying tears of empathy. He had known this same thing, before the cross, before he was forsaken even by the Father.
Another thing, the most amazing thing, that I recognized in His face was the assurance of the joys to come. He could see the feast. In fact he was preparing it just then. He laughed, He chuckled, He said "It's coming."
I awoke in the darkness, and felt a heaviness. The reality of my hunger and neediness for fellowship could not be ignored. I needed a hug and someone to tell me a truth, any truth. I needed to hear it from some other lips. I wanted to sing a hymn, and hear a voice other than mine. I wanted to love and receive something in return.
In my emptiness, I was frustrated because nothing satisfied me. There was nothing in my life that could fill this hunger for fellowship. I even felt alone at church. I did not connect with people my age because, well frankly, I was just at a different point in my life.
Even in the places that were supposed to be flowing with living water, I could not drink.
I was so hungry for someone to be intimate with, someone to call my own, my friend, mon ami, divine philia. I would die a million times over just to have a Jonathan.
I was ashamed of my neediness. Why was I ashamed? I thought that I SHOULD know how to be self-sustained, I SHOULD know how to live alone, learn alone, be alone and thrive. I was alone and was not thriving, so I was ashamed. But this was a lie.
I began to live in the truth that I indeed was hungry, and it was ok to be needy, to want someone who was full of living water to embrace me and tell me they loved me. I wanted a feast, but I would do anything for plain old bread and water. I saw plain old bread and water all around me, but could not reach it some how. I was frustrated and cried out
My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, “When will you comfort me?”
I think I died a thousand deaths in this time, waiting, surrendering, fainting, suffering. I did not understand it, but I never thought God was unkind. I knew he was the only friend I had, so why should I be angry with him? Why should I curse Him when he loved me with an everlasting love?
I was broken and starving.
Instead of cursing, I sang through my tears hoping He would hear "My God, I love you even while you slay me!"
And in reply, He said "Kalli, you are still most beautiful when you cry."
I smiled at this, in spite of the pain, in spite of the feeling that I was in pieces on the floor. Truly no one could put me back together. No one could restore my life, or make it better, but the one who held me in his hands and carried me as a lamb close to his heart. I turned my desires toward him. Somehow I received the strength to uplift my eyes to his face. I recognized a calmness and joy on it that seemed to say, "Yes, it is true, everything is right where I want it." I could tell He had been crying tears of empathy. He had known this same thing, before the cross, before he was forsaken even by the Father.
Another thing, the most amazing thing, that I recognized in His face was the assurance of the joys to come. He could see the feast. In fact he was preparing it just then. He laughed, He chuckled, He said "It's coming."
Monday, December 06, 2010
The Valley, Part 1: A Desert
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness....
I was led in hope, in joy at what I had just beheld upon the mountain.
The word of God had spoken and told me that what I desired--this noble thing--was indeed on His heart. He had shown me a glimpse of this child, this girl, magnificently clothed in royal colors and walking a road in the footsteps of Christ as a co-heir to this glorious inheritance.
I am going to St. John's next year. He wants to satisfy this desire to me in abundance.
As one looks forward in great anticipation to the fulfillment of their inheritance, I longed to receive this blessing. I was filled with the greatest nostalgia and weariness at its distance. You see, what I desire from this is the fellowship and fullness that is offered there. It is my promised land, so to speak, flowing with milk and honey.
To understand the depths of this longing, you must first understand the nature of the desert I had found myself in the midst of. Like most deserts it was dry, and as I wandered I grew more and more thirsty. It was lacking. In my desert, no food fell from heaven or living water flowed from the rock.
It seemed that the Lord had pushed all people out of my life when I needed them most. Also my eyes opened to the fact that I was a wanderer on enemy territory, and the Lord never intended for any landscape in all the earth--desert, valley, mountain, hill--to be possessed with any sort of darkness. This is the nature of a world ruled by a prince whose only motive is to steal, kill and destroy. Wandering in my colors of another kingdom, I saw despair, weeping and oppression all around me.
All I wanted was to drink the joy of my inheritance.
"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them."
In the midst of it all He was near. Sometimes I wasn't aware of it, but He was always SO very close. His truth was written upon my heart.
He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.
Eventually the Spirit led me to a place where I could lie down and rest. I was still hungry, thirsty, and weary, but I rested in the truth of his promises and that he was near. In this rest, which I found in the words of Isaiah, he spoke to my heart:
"I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
In little ways he encouraged me. When I fainted, his angels attended to me. He gave me THIS.
I was led in hope, in joy at what I had just beheld upon the mountain.
The word of God had spoken and told me that what I desired--this noble thing--was indeed on His heart. He had shown me a glimpse of this child, this girl, magnificently clothed in royal colors and walking a road in the footsteps of Christ as a co-heir to this glorious inheritance.
I am going to St. John's next year. He wants to satisfy this desire to me in abundance.
As one looks forward in great anticipation to the fulfillment of their inheritance, I longed to receive this blessing. I was filled with the greatest nostalgia and weariness at its distance. You see, what I desire from this is the fellowship and fullness that is offered there. It is my promised land, so to speak, flowing with milk and honey.
To understand the depths of this longing, you must first understand the nature of the desert I had found myself in the midst of. Like most deserts it was dry, and as I wandered I grew more and more thirsty. It was lacking. In my desert, no food fell from heaven or living water flowed from the rock.
It seemed that the Lord had pushed all people out of my life when I needed them most. Also my eyes opened to the fact that I was a wanderer on enemy territory, and the Lord never intended for any landscape in all the earth--desert, valley, mountain, hill--to be possessed with any sort of darkness. This is the nature of a world ruled by a prince whose only motive is to steal, kill and destroy. Wandering in my colors of another kingdom, I saw despair, weeping and oppression all around me.
All I wanted was to drink the joy of my inheritance.
"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them."
In the midst of it all He was near. Sometimes I wasn't aware of it, but He was always SO very close. His truth was written upon my heart.
He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.
Eventually the Spirit led me to a place where I could lie down and rest. I was still hungry, thirsty, and weary, but I rested in the truth of his promises and that he was near. In this rest, which I found in the words of Isaiah, he spoke to my heart:
"I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
In little ways he encouraged me. When I fainted, his angels attended to me. He gave me THIS.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
the colors of the morning are inside your eyes
You're Beautiful
I sing with the sunrise as I did when I was a child. "It's a beautiful day!" In the new day he has awakened my ear to listen like a child being taught the ways of heaven. I listen intently like a child so hungry for love.
The sun rises after a long night of weeping and struggling to find joy in tears. During the night watch I was running on dry, striving for any inkling of living water I could find. My neediness I was ashamed of, but yes, "Blessed are the poor in spirit...."
I have begun to read the Beatitudes like this:
Blessed are those whose kingdom is heaven
Blessed are those who are comforted
...etc.
Of course to get here, one must be poor in spirit, mourning, meek, hungry, ...etc.
Indeed, all noble things come with difficulty.
I have learned much more than I could write in just one blog post. But just wanted to say that the sun has risen and the Lord is faithful.
I came through with a fuller joy for life, a deeper neediness for God
And so utterly in Love with Him I cannot keep myself from dancing with these songs.
I sing with the sunrise as I did when I was a child. "It's a beautiful day!" In the new day he has awakened my ear to listen like a child being taught the ways of heaven. I listen intently like a child so hungry for love.
The sun rises after a long night of weeping and struggling to find joy in tears. During the night watch I was running on dry, striving for any inkling of living water I could find. My neediness I was ashamed of, but yes, "Blessed are the poor in spirit...."
I have begun to read the Beatitudes like this:
Blessed are those whose kingdom is heaven
Blessed are those who are comforted
...etc.
Of course to get here, one must be poor in spirit, mourning, meek, hungry, ...etc.
Indeed, all noble things come with difficulty.
I have learned much more than I could write in just one blog post. But just wanted to say that the sun has risen and the Lord is faithful.
I came through with a fuller joy for life, a deeper neediness for God
And so utterly in Love with Him I cannot keep myself from dancing with these songs.
essayezz!
While writing essays, I have been learning a lot about the way my mind works. I wrote about beauty for my St. John's idea prompt. Laurel said I wrote nearly 25 papers in one. In my mind I only skimmed the surface of my thoughts, but they were well organized and understandable, I think. It was just that there was so so much more to it, So much more in it that affected me. The underlying reasons I wrote about beauty were not entirely apparent.
I strive to see things whole. Ideas are intertwined and connected in my mind. Nothing stands alone. When I see and understand the idea I connect it and compare it easily with truth. Because of this, learning is a glorious thing. It's like putting together a puzzle in my mind, coming closer and closer to comprehending the mind of God.
if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God. Proverbs2:3-5
I sometimes feel like I get a little taste of the complexity of God's mind. It makes it awfully difficult to write papers, because I can't just write about one thing.
Right now, I'm writing a brief blurb on the workings of my mind. But believe me, in this post there are so many other things that I could say about it. And if I tried to lay them out, this would become convoluted and no longer about the workings of my mind.
It would be about knowledge as treasure, understand the fear of the Lord, the life found in learning, what it really means to CALL out for insight....
I'll just stop there.
Perhaps you get the idea.
Laurel works similarly. She helped me understand how to use it, instead of resisting it.
I'll be using the SJC "25 papers in one" to develop a couple other college essays. This is a relief because I seem to be able to think of nothing but beauty these days.
I strive to see things whole. Ideas are intertwined and connected in my mind. Nothing stands alone. When I see and understand the idea I connect it and compare it easily with truth. Because of this, learning is a glorious thing. It's like putting together a puzzle in my mind, coming closer and closer to comprehending the mind of God.
if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God. Proverbs2:3-5
I sometimes feel like I get a little taste of the complexity of God's mind. It makes it awfully difficult to write papers, because I can't just write about one thing.
Right now, I'm writing a brief blurb on the workings of my mind. But believe me, in this post there are so many other things that I could say about it. And if I tried to lay them out, this would become convoluted and no longer about the workings of my mind.
It would be about knowledge as treasure, understand the fear of the Lord, the life found in learning, what it really means to CALL out for insight....
I'll just stop there.
Perhaps you get the idea.
Laurel works similarly. She helped me understand how to use it, instead of resisting it.
I'll be using the SJC "25 papers in one" to develop a couple other college essays. This is a relief because I seem to be able to think of nothing but beauty these days.
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