"You prepare a table before me"

Dear God,

You have an amazing sense of irony.

It's definitely not a random coincedence that the time my soul is most famished is the time I can think of nothing but food.

Oh feast feast feast.

Come soon soon soon.

I will be ever grateful.

I thank you for what is already finished.

Love,

Your little flower, who is beautiful even when she cries.

Keep your eyes on Him

Keep those big open curiously awed eyes right on Him.

so eventually...

maybe one day....









...people will wonder what in the world you are looking at!



and possibly realize that it isn't in this world at all.

The voice of the prophets.

"I am very jealous for Zion; I am burning with jealousy for her."

God is...
Fire. Blazing Hot consuming fire.
His love is of a jealous kind.

"I love you so much, I will consume everything that stands between us."

"For the Israelites will live many days without king or prince, without sacrifice or sacred stones, without ephod or household gods. Afterward the Israelites will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king. They will come trembling to the LORD and to his blessings..." Hosea3:4-5

"You will say 'How I need you God! You have taken everything that I have held dear to me. You took my identity, my life, my all. Every king and idol I worshiped. You took the fruit of my labor, so that there is nothing I can take pride in.'

"Then you will run to me and say that what you have with me is better. Then I will bless you."

The fierce anger of the LORD will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart. In days to come you will understand this. Jeremiah30:24

I am angry because you are afflicted. I am broken hearted because you are oppressed. I have had enough.

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion." Isaiah30:18

"I want to love you, my bride!"

"How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you." Isaiah30:19

Tenth Avenue North.

I've been letting go of a lot, and feeling his closeness like never before. Also beginning to live in the reality that he is really everything I need.

psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

How many times have you read this verse and thought of it as a chore?
I have. Too many times.

I'm beginning to see it differently know, which is evidence of the love of God being made real in my life.

God's personality shines in this. His love that is unconditional. His desire to just give and give and give and give.

First of all, He gave Himself. Then He gave His Spirit. He gives his truth to all who seek it. He tells us that we are Created to ADORE our creator and then He says

that if we accept his GIFT, He will GIVE us MORE!

What it does not say:
Unless I delight in him I won't receive the desires of my heart. That's how I've read it for so long.

But now I think of it like a double bonus:
I GET to delight in him

AND

RECEIVE everything I desire.

Haha, it kinda makes me high on life.

pre-requisites for being a coach include having people skills, having a general idea of human movement, and knowing how to rap.

Some funny moments in the gym

During stretching today, one of the SWAT guys whom I train asked me if I could rap.

Naturally I replied no.

A little dismayed, he began to tell me about the rope burn on his hand and how he had to do rappelling in team training tomorrow.

I was a little confused about what that had to do with me knowing how to rap.

But.... oooooohhh! Yes I can wrap.

Right.




Lucinda, Justin Lappe, Brianna and several others were lingering after their workout one day, wondering where they should go to lunch. They were considering the yellow Georgetown falafel truck, which has a very meat-y shawarma.

"How many blocks is that." asked Lappe.

To which Brianna replied, "Oh, it's only a couple blocks away."

warm

So strange are the little secret blessings that God pours out to us through random people.

Monday morning was a great start to the week.

I woke up around six for breakfast and papa took me to the chiropractor on the Eastside. I rode the bus back.

Whatever the reason, this state of loneliness I find myself in is at it's depth. In spite of it I'm able to rejoice. The Lord knows this struggle of mine and encourages me with little things to continue to be deliberate in my rejoicing.

I slept on the bus. It was still quite early as I made my way back. The bus had it's heater on which invited sleep. As I leaned my head against the window and dozed off I pictured my sisters in Maryland. I wallowed a little in my longing to be there with them, lifting my appeal to the Holy Spirit.

As I did this a rush of passengers boarded the bus and one took their place in the empty seat next to me. I was half asleep and lost in my prayers but I knew they sat down because I felt their warmth.

And what a warmth! She sat closer than any other stranger would, and pressed her shoulder into mine. Most people, when they have to sit next to someone on the bus, will sit on the opposite edge of the seat as to avoid any physical contact whatsoever.

She didn't seem to mind, and I didn't protest.

This was near the beginning of our journey back to Seattle which lasted nearly a half hour on the freeway. I melted a little bit, lost in the memories of being really little and fitting right in Laurel's arms, even the time we snuggled for a half hour before I had to leave Maryland last December. The times I would sit in Papa's lap every night as he worked on his computer.

And this warmth of this shoulder next to mine increased. I knew it wasn't just physical warmth, but a divine touch. Something really really special. I didn't think it through at the time.

The stops became more frequent as we arrived in downtown Seattle. I jolted my eyes open. After looking around to see how far from the bus tunnel we were where I would make a transfer to the next leg of my journey, I glanced at the young lady next to me. 20-some years, dirty blond hair, dressed professionally--like someone just out of college. In her hand she held a handwritten notebook which she was reading out of. She was deep in her reflections and I couldn't help but glance onto the page she was reading.

Matthew 8:17
This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:
“He took up our infirmities
and bore our diseases.”

I saw the word believe.

It was then I realized that she was my angel of comfort.


I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn't think of anything before we arrived at her stop. She took up her stuff and left.

Since then I've remembered what Oswald Chambers said about the rivers of living water that flow through believers:
"If you believe in Jesus, you will find that God has nourished in you mighty torrents of blessing for others."

God Bless her.

colleeeeeege

I'm taking the SAT today.

And. OMyGoodness.
I have so many essays to write. More than I originally thought.

YIPPEE for November!

I like mornings best.
His mercies are renewed, and the day is full.
I yield my spirit to my one true love and pray my first prayer
I pray that I may see what truly is.

I'm reminded that what is seen by him is what truly is.
Imagine if we could see as he does--human beings
In all their beauty and grace.
It would be indescribably glorious.

Imagine if we could live our lives
In this kind of relationship with each other
Where we love as he does.
Fully enraptured by the beauty of the bride.

Sometimes I don't understand why we try
To determine what is possible based on
Where people are, and how they are hurt
Instead of keeping our eyes on where we want to go.

I'm realizing that sometimes it is necessary
To have faith in others, even when they don't
Have faith in themselves...
Simply because God does.

flood

The gym is thriving.

I give God all the glory for this one.

October and November were the first months we could pay rent on our revenue alone.

I was praying all September for clients. Daniel was praying. Naptown was praying.

A little over a month ago as I was praying, I heard an inner voice that was not my own. "Brace yourself.... Prepare yourself." it said, "I'm opening heaven."

The blessing is heavy. We have now added three more hours during the week to spread out our overflowing morning classes. That means I'm in the gym from 8am to 1pm not including working out. Bethany helps so that I can get my workout in, but she is feeling the weight of the blessing with equal burden.

I surrender this Isaac daily, knowing that God is giving more than I can bear because he WANTS to bear it along side me. I am so grateful, and feeling his peace in spite of all things.

We're paddling along, riding the turbulence with joy and thanksgiving. Papa's really happy.

what truly is

From my favorite depiction of the Divine Romance.
Says Jesus to the angels, after he reveals to them a glimpse of his Bride.


"What you have seen... that girl... perfect... radiating the full riches of my life... and a whole creation destroyed on the cross... that is what I always see. No mortal eyes shall behold these things until that day. Nor is it necessary that they behold, for these things you have seen are matters bound neither by time nor eternity. It is not necessary that they behold these things, nor experience them, nor even believe them.


"These are matters that are. They have been established. Nothing can change that. It is only what I see with my eyes, and the things I know, because I have visited all ages from beginning to end. Only these things are of any import... and only these things are truly real.


"I know what truly is.


"Yet, one day, she shall see. She shall see herself as I see her... as she truly is. And blessed are those who, having not seen, believe."

warfare

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John8:44


We must remember. As my pastor says, "This is not a playground. This is a battleground!"

I have often forgotten that life is hard. Haha. This sounds strange, but seriously. I have lived in the blessings of the Lord in my childhood, and grown in truth. So one can imagine... when I am faced with darkness I don't always know exactly what to do. I remember when I visited San Francisco last summer, I was so overwhelmed by the spiritual oppression there. I sensed it, and grieved. It made the experience terrible for me, a child of the light. My heart broke for that city and its people. This is why I hated venturing into downtown Seattle in the first years of living here. It was so incredibly difficult to see beauty and it broke my heart.

Thanks to the grace of God, I have learned to deal with this. The implantation of truth into my life has done a great deal of good to the way I view the world. The fact is that it is oppressed and the Lord Himself never intended it to be. The Good News is that the work is done in Christ and all who call on the name of Lord will be saved. His children are set apart as light in the darkness. The salt of the earth to bring out the flavor of goodness.

The motive of the prince of the world is to use the power of lies to sway the Lord's people further from the Way. He does this by challenging the authority the Lord has.

After Jesus was baptized and the Father opened the heavens to declare "This is my Son!" Jesus was led to the desert to be tested. The first words that came from the mouth of Satan were "If you are the Son of God..."

The Liar will do this in our lives as well. Does God really love you? Does he really care?

The truth is powerful. And "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth." If our goal is to imitate this Love, we must also rejoice in the truth. When we do this, though we may not be aware, we are engaging in the greatest fare of war.

The worshipers went at the front of the army as God's people marched to war.

At church this last Sunday they held a service devoted to the testimonies of cancer survivors. The last testimony was given by Freddy, one of the oldest members of the church. He survived having a cancerous tumor removed from his brain stem. Unfortunately because it was so wound up in the nerves, there are remnants of sick tissue in his brain. What is shocking about this man and truly was encapsulated by his message, was that he lives as though unaffected by tragedy. A little more about Freddy, he is old and walks with a cane. He often needs help getting around. But I have never heard him speak without making his audience laugh. He is a joyful entertainer.

I was deeply affected by his message. The bottom line was "SO WHAT!?" So what that I'm told I have cancer? I'm gonna go on living my life as it's supposed to be lived. So what I've been clothed with shame by my peers? So what that I am told that I will never walk again? I'm gonna rejoice. I'm gonna be joyful. And LIVE.
I am going to throw off the sin in the Name of Jesus and be clothed in the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Romans12:1

It is a battle, no doubt. It is not easy.

The challenge, I think, is to see ourselves as God intends us to be and begin to live our lives by rejoicing in this truth. Show the father of lies that you aren't going to be affected by him, and he will flee.

The truth is that we are given the power to overcome by the name of Jesus. The devil is a liar, and all his schemes are lies. By discerning truth, declaring truth, and rejoicing in truth we will overcome.

The revelation is this:
We are not condemned, no matter how we feel.
We are saints, no matter what we are told.
There is no power in heaven or on earth that can separate us from the love of Christ.
No matter how far away the Lord feels, He is near.
In spite of how we feel, we always have the ability to REJOICE.
That is something the devil can never take away from you.

"You heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians4:21-24

Thank you, Laurel, for speaking this truth into my life.