Summer plans and recent happenings

It's so much fun to make plans. I'm looking forward to a lot, many exciting things:

I got accepted into St. John's. Everybody knows already, but I just thought I'd say it again.



I'm doing FAFSA/taxes for the first time in my life. Fun stuff, for sure. No, not stressful at all.



I get to go dress shopping soon for Acacia's wedding in May. It will be blue.




Yeah, I'm going to Annapolis in May. I'm pretty stoked. Grandma will be there!




If I get accepted into Marlboro, I might visit Vermont before the wedding. Maybe. I should hear from them on Thursday afternoon.



Switchfoot will be at The SoulFest, As well as some other really cool bands. Heather and I are planning on going together in August. God provided discounted tickets for me, and Heather has been wanting to visit a friend in New Hampshire, so we might have a place to stay.



Chad and Laurel are coming to visit in a month to interview for Mars Hill Grad School. Will they possibly live in Seattle next year?



I started attending Mars Hill Church Downtown. I feel really welcome at this church. I joined a serving team. This is so exciting for me, because I realize how hungry I've been to be part of a flock, and serve the body of Christ. I am a cell, and I now have a purpose with respect to the WHOLE.



I will be participating in the Sectional Qualifier for the CrossFit Games. I'm part of the JCCF team this year.




My ankle is better. I got a free 6 sessions of Graston done on my ankle during the past few weeks, by Skylar Pond, a local chiropractor and sports medicine doctor. Graston basically breaks up all the scar tissue and fascia build-up from soft tissue injuries. As Dr. Pond was working on my ankle it sounded like the stainless steel tools were breaking up concrete. After six sessions, it's much smoother, and glides better (less intensely, more like gravel). Get this: God has literally made "the rough places smooth." Literally.

Learn to trust in the Lord when you are blind to the path before you

"From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you. "
PSALM 33:13-15, 20-22

This psalm prays for me the words I cannot find within me. You look down and you see me, whom you formed. You consider all that I do, and take it all to heart. I wait in hope for you to show your face. I find security in your protecting wing. You cover and shield me from all that I fear.

In you alone do I find true joy. In you I rejoice and live truly. Your name, Jesus is fresh to my ears and rings against the chambers of my heart. I pray that you would see how I seek you, and withhold no good thing from my ever needy being. I hope in you because I find that only you are faithful.

Right now:

Either dreams are coming true, or they are falling apart. I cannot tell which. I cannot put my hope in dreams.

Either friendship will come soon, later, or not at all. I cannot put my hope in friendship.

Either I will go to school next fall, or I will not. Perhaps He has something better. I cannot put my hope in school.

Either I will find community in my new flock or not. In the past, real good fellowship has been but a vapor and a dream. I cannot put my hope in church.

All this human planning and wanting is, in the end, in His hands completely. Control is indeed an illusion. As I hope in these things, my heart's eye strains and wrestles with this illusion. I become cross-eyed, trying to see clearly. Then I say to my heart, be still. My eyes close and I sigh. Blind, again. It is the best way to be. Trusting, ever leaning on the leader, my Lord, my shepherd, to guide me as I walk. My heart wrenches at his each move; each step we take shapes me in different ways, changes me, molds me, perfects me.

Though I cannot see or understand or know what may come of this time in my life, I notice how somber and peaceful He is in the midst of it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he has a lot of experience with this. Papa reflects it. Papa has 26 years of child rearing experience, and he is relatively calm about all this. God... well he pretty much has an eternity.

There is no fear in your eyes, God. You know it's going to work out fine.

Truly, nothing matters to me more than having a constant awareness of that calm face. Or just a glimpse every so often. That is all I want, to see those eyes in my heart. Shining down upon us lovingly. Always patient, always waiting, ever in control.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.
Isaiah42:16

Unknown

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man;
When God wants to mold a man
To play the noblest part,
Then he yearns with all his heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed,
Watch his method, watch his ways--

How he ruthlessly perfects
Whom he royally elects,
How he hammers him and hurts him
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay
Which only God understands.

While his tortured heart is crying,
And he lifts beseeching hands
How he bends but never breaks
When his good he undertakes
How he uses whom he chooses
And with every purpose, fuses him,
By every act induces him
To try his splendor out.
God knows what he's about.

"Them that honor Me, I will honor."

US National Junior Weightlifting Championships.
Silver.

The Lord has done a mighty work within me. I believe this truth now, more than ever.

"Angels are assigned to you to keep you company." Laurel sent me this text before we left for Houston. We had had a chat about angels and spiritual presences a few months ago, and since then-- since I consciously offered my senses to be instruments of righteousness--I have become more aware of these presences. They are ministers of the Lord's to send comfort, healing, and strength to those in need.

There were at least three. I always know they are there, because I can feel a spring of abundant joy burst within me whenever I smile. I've gotten into the habit of conjuring up a smile whenever I feel jittery because it relaxes me. During this weekend, whenever I smiled the jitters away, I couldn't help but giggle too. That was the angel tapping into the spring releasing genuine joy.

Because of that, this meet was the most fun I've ever had. It was better than every other gymnastics or weightlifting or Crossfit competition. Way better.

Beside having a load of fun, I felt strong. In the last weeks before competition I mildly strained an adductor muscle, which made me want to let my right knee roll in when I stood from a squat. It was feeling a little weak when I was training at the venue on Friday afternoon. I prayed for a strong right leg constantly after. Well... there was no symptom on Saturday, come competition day. I felt my best.

The competition: I easily made my opening attempt at 55kg, which I was credited with in the end. The judges called me on a lazy left elbow on my second attempt at 58kg, and following myself, I missed it again on the third attempt.
I started my Clean and Jerks with light opener for me, 72kg after the bronze medalist finished her last credited lift. I finished with 78 kg, which I had done for the first time last weekend at Rainier Crossfit. It was a competition PR and my technique was "superb." Several coaches approached me after the medal ceremony and described my technique with words like that: "incredible" extraordinary" "superb" "the best technique at this competition."
Papa said that was pretty cool.

Standing on the podium I pumped my fists and smiled big. I don't think I've ever felt so good about a competitive performance. I feel for the first time that it's easy to say thank you and humbly agree when someone says that I'm awesome. I truthfully feel that I was all that God wanted me to be at this meet.

Today, I talked to Laurel, who was watching the live broadcast the whole time, about the experience. I told her I feel so honored, and understand now that it is the Lord's glory manifested in me. She confirmed that when she said that when I stepped out on the platform, I looked different. Not different like bigger stronger physically-- but different as in... glowing.

"I will be a wall of fire around you, and I will be your glory within."

I am a light, like a silver star. Glowing, pulsating the glory of God. That's freaking crazy-awesome.

Gettin' pumped for Nationals.

These are some pretty inspiring lifts from a Russian Junior at Worlds last year.
This video got me pumped up before I went into training and hit some solid 60kg snatches.

Notice how his feet hit the ground a moment after he locks it overhead. His pits are forward. And he's really freaking fast.

Good stuff.

Nuvole Bianche

I'm embracing my rest day, listening to Ludovico. I'm reminded of the bewitching power the piano has over me. I can sit down at my key board perfecting this piece for hours, never tiring. It is oh so beautiful.

Ahh, rest. I love these days. This recovery is essential to my general well-being. I've worked mightily all week, and found a grand fulfillment. For the first time I feel like an athlete, something I never really felt as a gymnast. I easily picture myself on to that podium at nationals. I've recently become conscious of a long time fear of winning. How I suppressed this fear for so long, I do not know.

When I was a gymnast I was often told of my potential, impeccable work ethic, physical beauty and grace, and the like. I always had the sense that I was still so far from my potential. In retrospect the image that comes to mind is a person running at full speed to a thick brick wall, smashing into it with all their might, then running back to the beginning, recoiling, and doing it again and again. I laugh at this now. Yes, that person was me. Beyond that wall was a journey I would never know.

This image of the person and the wall astonishes me. I remember Papa always talking about this wall that I had to get over before I could do this and that. Maybe it was this particular wall that I kept so persistent at running myself into. I. need. to. get. through. Alas, there was no way to the other side but over.

The wall was a fear of success. As irrational as it sounds, it is a justifiable phobia. My rationale was formed around my want to be a humble being. As a winner, I would be glorified. People would remember my name. I would probably be sponsored... in a way I would be worshiped. The thought of gaining the whole world seemed completely meaningless to me. I couldn't see any value in it, because it was such a short term thing. Besides I would risk forfeiting my soul, right? Along with that was that I believed a lie that God frankly didn't care that I won. I thought He wouldn't help me. My unconscious motive was to stay on His good side by not winning. Unfortunately my apparent "humility" made it look like I sabotaged my gymnastics career. In a way I did, but it wasn't on purpose. I was headstrong, persistent, hard working, and in the end it was my persistence that broke me down. I wouldn't stop running into the wall because I. had. to. get. through.

The truth and reality is that God does really care. He cares a lot more than I can measure. And he began to care a lot more when I said that I cared. When I lacked purpose or direction, and simply did not care, I would ask Him over and over "Father, what do you want me to do?" Eventually He turned the question back on me and asked "Kalli, what do you want to do?" Basically he told me to "GET A LIFE, then we'll talk...."

And we had a talk alright. He walked me through a forgiveness process. I claimed back things that had been taken from me: my human dignity and my right to be who I was created to be. When I received these things it was then that He told me that He would make me a "City Without Walls."

Then I looked up, and there before me was a man with a measuring line in his hand. I asked, “Where are you going?” He answered me, “To measure Jerusalem, to find out how wide and how long it is.” While the angel who was speaking to me was leaving, another angel came to meet him and said to him: “Run, tell that young man, ‘Jerusalem will be a city without walls because of the great number of people and animals in it. And I myself will be a wall of fire around it,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will be its glory within.’
Zechariah 2:1-5

A city without walls is immeasurable for three reasons:
1. It has a great abundance within it. If it had walls, or limits, they would be broken down because of such great and innumerable things that it holds.
2. It is surround by God, who manifests as a wall of fire. He is my protector who consumes any foreign things that wish to kill, or destroy the abundance of life within me.
3. It is filled with God, who manifests in all His Glory. Essentially he wants to fill all of me with all of him. Which makes all that was previously impossible, possible; and all that was previously measurable, immeasurable.

It has take me some time to digest this all. I still think there is so much more for Him to show me. I hope it speaks to your heart in some way. If not the story, maybe the music will.