"From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you. "
PSALM 33:13-15, 20-22
This psalm prays for me the words I cannot find within me. You look down and you see me, whom you formed. You consider all that I do, and take it all to heart. I wait in hope for you to show your face. I find security in your protecting wing. You cover and shield me from all that I fear.
In you alone do I find true joy. In you I rejoice and live truly. Your name, Jesus is fresh to my ears and rings against the chambers of my heart. I pray that you would see how I seek you, and withhold no good thing from my ever needy being. I hope in you because I find that only you are faithful.
Right now:
Either dreams are coming true, or they are falling apart. I cannot tell which. I cannot put my hope in dreams.
Either friendship will come soon, later, or not at all. I cannot put my hope in friendship.
Either I will go to school next fall, or I will not. Perhaps He has something better. I cannot put my hope in school.
Either I will find community in my new flock or not. In the past, real good fellowship has been but a vapor and a dream. I cannot put my hope in church.
All this human planning and wanting is, in the end, in His hands completely. Control is indeed an illusion. As I hope in these things, my heart's eye strains and wrestles with this illusion. I become cross-eyed, trying to see clearly. Then I say to my heart, be still. My eyes close and I sigh. Blind, again. It is the best way to be. Trusting, ever leaning on the leader, my Lord, my shepherd, to guide me as I walk. My heart wrenches at his each move; each step we take shapes me in different ways, changes me, molds me, perfects me.
Though I cannot see or understand or know what may come of this time in my life, I notice how somber and peaceful He is in the midst of it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he has a lot of experience with this. Papa reflects it. Papa has 26 years of child rearing experience, and he is relatively calm about all this. God... well he pretty much has an eternity.
There is no fear in your eyes, God. You know it's going to work out fine.
Truly, nothing matters to me more than having a constant awareness of that calm face. Or just a glimpse every so often. That is all I want, to see those eyes in my heart. Shining down upon us lovingly. Always patient, always waiting, ever in control.
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.
Isaiah42:16
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