Nuvole Bianche

I'm embracing my rest day, listening to Ludovico. I'm reminded of the bewitching power the piano has over me. I can sit down at my key board perfecting this piece for hours, never tiring. It is oh so beautiful.

Ahh, rest. I love these days. This recovery is essential to my general well-being. I've worked mightily all week, and found a grand fulfillment. For the first time I feel like an athlete, something I never really felt as a gymnast. I easily picture myself on to that podium at nationals. I've recently become conscious of a long time fear of winning. How I suppressed this fear for so long, I do not know.

When I was a gymnast I was often told of my potential, impeccable work ethic, physical beauty and grace, and the like. I always had the sense that I was still so far from my potential. In retrospect the image that comes to mind is a person running at full speed to a thick brick wall, smashing into it with all their might, then running back to the beginning, recoiling, and doing it again and again. I laugh at this now. Yes, that person was me. Beyond that wall was a journey I would never know.

This image of the person and the wall astonishes me. I remember Papa always talking about this wall that I had to get over before I could do this and that. Maybe it was this particular wall that I kept so persistent at running myself into. I. need. to. get. through. Alas, there was no way to the other side but over.

The wall was a fear of success. As irrational as it sounds, it is a justifiable phobia. My rationale was formed around my want to be a humble being. As a winner, I would be glorified. People would remember my name. I would probably be sponsored... in a way I would be worshiped. The thought of gaining the whole world seemed completely meaningless to me. I couldn't see any value in it, because it was such a short term thing. Besides I would risk forfeiting my soul, right? Along with that was that I believed a lie that God frankly didn't care that I won. I thought He wouldn't help me. My unconscious motive was to stay on His good side by not winning. Unfortunately my apparent "humility" made it look like I sabotaged my gymnastics career. In a way I did, but it wasn't on purpose. I was headstrong, persistent, hard working, and in the end it was my persistence that broke me down. I wouldn't stop running into the wall because I. had. to. get. through.

The truth and reality is that God does really care. He cares a lot more than I can measure. And he began to care a lot more when I said that I cared. When I lacked purpose or direction, and simply did not care, I would ask Him over and over "Father, what do you want me to do?" Eventually He turned the question back on me and asked "Kalli, what do you want to do?" Basically he told me to "GET A LIFE, then we'll talk...."

And we had a talk alright. He walked me through a forgiveness process. I claimed back things that had been taken from me: my human dignity and my right to be who I was created to be. When I received these things it was then that He told me that He would make me a "City Without Walls."

Then I looked up, and there before me was a man with a measuring line in his hand. I asked, “Where are you going?” He answered me, “To measure Jerusalem, to find out how wide and how long it is.” While the angel who was speaking to me was leaving, another angel came to meet him and said to him: “Run, tell that young man, ‘Jerusalem will be a city without walls because of the great number of people and animals in it. And I myself will be a wall of fire around it,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will be its glory within.’
Zechariah 2:1-5

A city without walls is immeasurable for three reasons:
1. It has a great abundance within it. If it had walls, or limits, they would be broken down because of such great and innumerable things that it holds.
2. It is surround by God, who manifests as a wall of fire. He is my protector who consumes any foreign things that wish to kill, or destroy the abundance of life within me.
3. It is filled with God, who manifests in all His Glory. Essentially he wants to fill all of me with all of him. Which makes all that was previously impossible, possible; and all that was previously measurable, immeasurable.

It has take me some time to digest this all. I still think there is so much more for Him to show me. I hope it speaks to your heart in some way. If not the story, maybe the music will.