Transition

The future is bright!

I was talking to Nate the other night about rite of passage, how most cultures and traditions have one event that declares for a person their entry into adulthood. Some cultures make incisions in the genitals, shave the heads, abuse the bodies, then are weighted with additional responsibilities. Women are goddesses, men are heirs. Adulthood is living up to these things.
In the modern american tradition it is a gray area. There is the option in our culture to remain in that gray area as long as pleases us. I remember from a very young age (10 or so) my dad told me"You're an adult now. I treat you like an adult, and you're going to act like one." But there was never a defining moment, and I seemed to only live off of the general connotation of the word, rather than defined points.

This summer in many ways seems to be a rite of passage for me into that larger world of responsibility. The incisions have been made inwardly. I've been lectured by the elders of my "tribe." Now it is real, the responsibilities, and the joys. I find that I'm building on the little queues and clues I picked up along the way during "childhood." I was never directly taught to be a good steward. This isn't an excuse not to be, but motivation to figure it out. Tap into the sources, read, ask the advice of those who have experience. Learning by experience takes on a whole new meaning.

More than dependence on people, there is a dependence on God that I have never known. For various reasons, I've felt like I've had JUST ENOUGH this summer. Things have happened JUST IN TIME. And I've come to find the strength JUST BARELY when it's required of me. I guess this is how God works more often than not. He likes the last minute, and reminds me

"What you don't have you don't need it now. What you don't know you can feel somehow.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY!"

(That's U2)

So really, I have no regrets. As long as I can see Jesus' face. As long as I know that he's called me to this summer. Called me to rejoice in EVERYTHING. I'm ok.

I'm savoring my last week at home. Off to college after the CrossFit Games in a week. Talk about emotional roller coaster. My main focus is staying healthy and getting recovered. I have much to do in the next few days. Party on Saturday. Pack for California. Send packages to Naptown. WHOOP!

2011 Reebok Crossfit Games. It's so unreal. It's so unreal it deserves an expletive. So unfuckingreal. You get it. I get to compete with my team at the HOME DEPOT CENTER. In front of a crowd. We get free clothes and shoes. We get to meet our heros. We get to be part of the badassest sport in the world. And we've earned our spot. The pain. The heat. The sweat. The blood. The tears. It's all going to be so fucking worth it.

You can tell I'm excited.

Then I'm off to Annapolis. My favorite place in the world. Called by God to this place to minister to the murky places. Proclaim freedom. Dance over the poor.

St. John's College. To study Great Books. Philosophy. Laboratory. Music. Ancient Greek. Euclid. Logic. History. Excited to be sharpened by intelligent people. Work hard and balance out by being social.

I've never been more excited about a single adventure in my entire life. I'm going to college. So unfuckingreal.

It's more than that. I get teach CrossFit to college students for work study. Aside from that I will be doing personal training, advertising myself in the wider Annapolis. Making a little extra money to save for Brazil next year, perhaps?

It's more than that. I will be part of a church family. Alive in the Body of Christ. Utilizing my gifts. Dancing ALL the time. This is the land that God promised me 5 years ago. There is no word but the Word of God. He is faithful to all His promises.

I'm making a transition out of this blog for now. I imagine in the next few years, I won't have much time to update in detail like this. I've kept this blog for 5 years, and it's morphed a lot. I appreciate all of you who have followed my life closely, mostly family. I hope you can see what God has done in my life and rejoice with me. Now I'm moving on. You can follow me on Twitter, as I update in single sentences during my adventure.

Also I got a personal training website up: Kallista Pappas in Annapolis

God Bless you all.

First thing I heard Him say this morning:

"I'm going to take good care of you today."





And just like that, life no longer threatens.

In this Summer life, God is..

PROVIDER

Initially moving up north to live with Allison was an inconvenience, but the little inconveniences have become great blessings when put up against His abundant provision. My friend John gave me an orca card (public transit pass) with enough balance to pay for bus fares for the rest of the summer. Now I don't worry about being stranded anywhere. I'm also not lacking in access to the gems of Seattle parks and recreation because now I have a bike (two actually).

Getting around isn't hard. From Greenlake, it's ten blocks in any direction to find a shopping center or coffee shop. It's 5 miles in either direction to the closest CrossFit Boxes. I've been visiting around on my days off. (It's fun how I can say now that I'm from Jet City CrossFit and people will say "that's awesome!" instead of "where the hell is that?") I'm getting people to show up at Jet City for a throwdown on Friday. It pays to get around and be social.

One special connection is Scott Rodriguez who owns Stoneway CrossFit by SPU. Bethany met Scott at her Level 1 Cert and they hit it off well. I didn't know him well, but heard he was a cool dude. When I started going to Mars Hill in Belltown, I got connected with a community group led by Jeremy Herring. Jeremy knows Scott through Corey McGee (Scott's business partner at the start of SWCF). They both go to Mars Hill in Ballard. It gets better. Joe (Allison's husband), who is a pastor at Bethany Community Church by Greenlake, goes to SWCF. You can imagine my delight at coming to find this connection. What is that? Three degrees of separation?

It makes me feel solidly integrated and welcomed BY GOD when I see that He has established community for me even long before I had to transit into the new living circumstances.

ADVENTURER

I set my feet outside my door on the sunny weekends and I ask Him to take me somewhere. There is an itching to get out of the house and find something new, something exciting, something grand.

One Saturday after work I ended up in Fremont because a homeless man I prayed for in downtown told me to go there to "fellowship, because people need me." It happened to be the Solstice Festival/Naked Parade that day. I hugged a creepy drunk guy clad in bright colors and bought bacon socks with Allison. It was a day of blessings. I kept my head up and heart open to where the Lord wanted me to minister.

One day I rode my bike to the University Village and enjoyed the ambiance with a chai latte, and journaled.

I rode to the U district for a prayer meeting about the abolition of modern day slavery, human trafficking, and prostitution, an issue that many of my Christian friends contend for. I found the meeting adventurous in itself as God revealed his broken heart to the saints and Holy Spirit showed up to lead us in unity and intercession. I left joyful, not despairing-- trusting that God is sovereign and relentless and hears the prayers of his saints.

I hunger for people watching and go to Greenlake to sit on the grass. I watch the crazy Seattle-clouds-dancing-with-sun sky reflect off the water and shimmer in the waves. People run, power-walk, bike, and skate by. Each so unique-- God teaches me a lesson in appreciating the beauty of variety.

I'm at the gym four days a week now, mornings and afternoons. We added an Olympic Lifting class twice a week. I've received great reviews about this class from clients. It is my favorite to teach, as we do less heavy work and lots of technical pvc work, mobility, and midline stability. We've spent several weeks with just pvc and barbell, and will spend several more. It feels good to start people from basics, and not be rushed or feel pressure to put heavy weight overhead (We have a Max for the Day session on Saturdays for this very purpose). The class favors the regular attender. I say it is just as much thinking as moving, but not to say it won't "kick your ass."

The hour commute is adventurous. I ride a creepy bus, but in general riding the bus is no longer daunting; the city feels accessible... not scary for once.

ROMANCER

My God is a wild lover.

I'm finishing reading a book called the Sacred Romance, which tells the story of our hearts and God's heart. It elaborates on our call to adventure and romance, how we each hunger and hope deep down for this kind of life. But alas, because of the Arrows of life, and Satan's schemes, we repress this desire and move into a life of quenched love and dead religiosity.

All the hurt we experience is part of God's design to win our hearts. We come to judge God because of the Arrows, but fail to recognize his Sovereignty over it all.

Would we rather live lives of quietness and routine than surrender to the tumultuous adventurousness of our lover's pursuits?

I am captivated.
"I am my beloved's and His desire is for me."

made to love

One of my favorites to dance to.

Awaken to the Wildness of God's Love

Diary of an Old Soul

'Tis hard for us to rouse our spirits up--
It is the human creative agony
Though but to hold the heart an empty cup
Or tighten on the team the rigid reign.
Many will rather lie among the slain
Than creep through narrow ways the light to gain--
Than wake the will and be born bitterly.

But we who would be born again indeed
Must wake our souls unnumbered times a day
And urge ourselves to live with holy greed
Now open our bosoms to the wind's free play,
And now, with patience forceful, hard, lie still
Submiss and ready to the making will,
Athirst and empty, for God's breath to fill.

George MacDonald

Batter my Heart

Batter my heart, three personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breath, shine, and seek to mend
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new,
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you but, oh, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend;
But is captive and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you and would be love fain;
But I am betrothed unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

John Donne

If you write for God you will reach many men and bring them joy.
If you write for men--you make some money and you may give someone a little joy and you may make some noise in the world, for a little while.
If you write only for yourself you can read what you yourself have written and after ten minutes you will be so disgusted you will wish that you were dead.

Thomas Merton

6 weeks...

Left In Seattle.

My beautiful city. So busy, so full, always on the move...
The dust has settled since my move up north, and I'm able to breath a little and sink into my routine. Mornings are spent at the gym in Georgetown, nights are spent relaxing at Greenlake. I have lots of coffee dates scheduled this summer with friends, old and new. I'm so refreshed and not bereft of fellowship or nurture.

What this summer holds is not set in stone. I thrive on the spontaneity of God's blessing. I feel like I'm resting in that special place where I can receive and give freely. I am bright and powerful in His love. I am continually provided for in supernatural ways (i.e. finding random dollar bills on the bus to pay for my next fare, etc). Those who have provided for me in the past are distant, and I am learning to say confidently "The Lord is my helper; I shall not fear."

Until the CrossFit Games.

Yes. Not set in stone, I'm reminded. I make plans... and God laughs, it seems. He has better things for me. He draws me nearer to him... and with the things that have tired me out at that! I had planned to withdraw from CrossFit toward the end of the summer, to compete at regionals and then be done. Decompress. Refresh. Withdraw.

Clearly He had other plans. Not only am I diving deeper into community with my CrossFit family, I'm drawing nearer to the Lord in it. I'm receiving my Father's approval and honor, coming out of a time of dryness into a place of abundance and love. He draws us nearer to one another and, I hope, nearer to him.

The CrossFit Games. It's a crazy thought. I hadn't expected to go back until after college at least. I didn't want to compete individually this year because there is already so much on my plate going off to college and all. The team, though, is no problem. Regionals was simply one workout a day, then party/bbq at camp. ("Camp" was made up of 2 RVs, and a trailer full of toys--- mini bikes, bicycles, stereo system, bean-bags games, movie projector--- meat and fun. That was the focus.



There was plenty of meat and plenty of fun. But there was also victory, honor, and fame in store for our "Little Gym that Could." JET CITY CROSSIT, the gym of less than 40 members, put out an EXTRAORDINARY performance, placing third. The CF Games website made it sound like I led team. But really it was Andrew Gray, our Captain Mastermind and Strategist, who led us to victory. I cannot say enough good things about my teammates, my gym, and the experience


Until I'm 18 years on earth.

It is that time of my life. The time of which others have said is "the most influential of their lives." I'm inspired to savor. I think of how the eagle learns to fly. Mama bird shoves him out of the nest and he falls falls falls. She catches him moments before he hits and places him again in safety. The next day: shove-fall-catch-replace. Repeat. Until the little one learns to spread his wings and let the wind take him up. That's what it feels like to be almost eighteen, going off to college soon, having my own bank account, traveling on my own.... I know the wings are there, somewhere. Right now I'm falling... and trusting that Mama Bird won't let me hit the ground.

Until moving to Annapolis.

I posted on facebook that I have 6 more weeks left till moving. The people who liked it are in Annapolis. The people who disliked it are in Seattle. It's good to know that I am well loved where ever I am, and missed wherever I'm not.

In the meantime, I'll savor.

45:1 My heart overflows with a pleasing theme;
I address my verses to the king;
my tongue is like the pen of a ready scribe.

2 You are the most handsome of the sons of men;
grace is poured upon your lips;
therefore God has blessed you forever.
3 Gird your sword on your thigh, O mighty one,
in your splendor and majesty!

4 In your majesty ride out victoriously
for the cause of truth and meekness and righteousness;
let your right hand teach you awesome deeds!
5 Your arrows are sharp
in the heart of the king's enemies;
the peoples fall under you.

6 Your throne, O God, is forever and ever.
The scepter of your kingdom is a scepter of uprightness;
7 you have loved righteousness and hated wickedness.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you
with the oil of gladness beyond your companions;
8 your robes are all fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia.
From ivory palaces stringed instruments make you glad;
9 daughters of kings are among your ladies of honor;
at your right hand stands the queen in gold of Ophir.

10 Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:
forget your people and your father's house,
11 and the king will desire your beauty.
Since he is your lord, bow to him.
12 The people of Tyre will seek your favor with gifts,
the richest of the people.

13 All glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold.
14 In many-colored robes she is led to the king,
with her virgin companions following behind her.
15 With joy and gladness they are led along
as they enter the palace of the king.

16 In place of your fathers shall be your sons;
you will make them princes in all the earth.
17 I will cause your name to be remembered in all generations;
therefore nations will praise you forever and ever.

Oh, and this

Inversnaid

THIS darksome burn, horseback brown,

His rollrock highroad roaring down,

In coop and in comb the fleece of his foam

Flutes and low to the lake falls home.

A windpuff-bonnet of fawn-froth

Turns and twindles over the broth

Of a pool so pitchblack, fell-frowning,

It rounds and rounds Despair to drowning.

Degged with dew, dappled with dew,

Are the groins of the braes that the brook treads through,

Wiry heathpacks, flitches of fern,

And the beadbonny ash that sits over the burn.

What would the world be, once bereft

Of wet and wildness? Let them be left,

O let them be left, wildness and wet;

Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet.

God's Grandeur

While I was in Annapolis, my beautiful friend Christina Raines recited this verse to me while we snuggled on the couch at 21 East St. I have fallen in love with it.

God's Grandeur

by Gerard Manley Hopkins

THE WORLD is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;	5
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.
And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;	10
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

In short

I apologize for my lack of updates recently. I've been on a wild variety of adventures lately. Now that it is past, I don't know if I could do justice to my recent trip to the east coast. I know, I promised to blog while I was there, but the "living" part of living life was just too sweet to waste my time on a computer. So, I'm sorry.

The last month in short:

I've experienced wonderful and deep healing in my inner being. I'm enrolled at SJC. I've been asked out on my first date. I moved in and will be living with a wonderful friend and mentor for the summer. I have more Christian friends now--more people to talk to, confide in, confess to, and cry with--than I've ever had. I have an abundance of truth and prophecy to rest in, which makes my future more full than it's ever been. I have a healthy and strong body, ready to rock the CrossFit regional with my team next week. Daniel and Acacia are married. Chaurel are going to Brazil this summer. Stefan is sprouting into a man, and doing an internship to learn to sail. Aimee is more than ever dependent on God, and as beautiful as ever. My feet have more reasons to dance now, and these lips never cease to pray and sing praise to God.

Overall the last month has probably been the best of my life, with the exception of coming back to Seattle. Don't get me wrong; I love Seattle, but it's just hard to be home when it doesn't feel like home. By God's grace I will enjoy the sun this summer.

Of all the 17 and 18-year-olds getting ready to go to college this summer, I call myself the most fortunate.

Firstly, I know exactly what I'm doing for the next four years of my life.

Many rising freshman still haven't picked their major and couldn't tell you their course of study. I, on the other hand, am privileged to be attending a college where I can't even choose my major! I could tell you exactly which books I will be reading and when. I might even be able to tell you what ideas I will be exploring during the last week of the first semester... (plato's symposium, and the nature of love... most likely.)



I know many of my future peers (at least in the classes above me). While I was visiting last month I had the opportunity to go on a night hike with several rising sophomores. Having just finished their freshman year they offered much-needed and appreciated social and academic advice, such as "don't expect to be best friends with everyone." Of course, that would be something that I would try to do. Anyway, I am well-known (famous? or infamous?) and socially integrated at the college.



I have a job when I arrive. (unofficially) Because Acacia graduated, I will be inheriting her job as CrossFit facilitator in Temple Iglehart (the college gym, where you have to remove your outdoor shoes before passing the threshold. Ha.) I'm also hoping to advertise myself as a personal trainer in the wider Annapolis community.



I am going to a city that I love. Annapolis is beautiful. Historic. Brick. Boats. Small. I will probably know everybody (for better or worse). It has real seasons. Like, it actually snows in the winter and gets really hot and humid in summer. Though not many people like it for its lack of variety of culture, I am confident that it is where God wants me to be while I grow into adulthood. It is quaint, but not far from big city DC.






I will be received by a church that knows and loves me well. My Downtown Hope family is excited to have me as part of the community. They have ministered to my family and been part of their healing, and are eager to be part of my growth as well. I cannot wait to be part of the what God is doing in his Bride.


God has orchestrated all things to put me right where I belong, and set up a great cushion for me to land on as I am pushed out of my nest.

"Hear, O daughter, and consider, and incline your ear:

forget your people and your father's house,

and the king will desire your beauty.

Since he is your lord, bow to him."

Psalm 45:10-11

Open Heaven

May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face to shine upon us,
that your way may be known on earth,
your saving power among all nations.
Let the peoples praise you, O God;
let all the peoples praise you!

Let the nations be glad and sing for joy,
for you judge the peoples with equity
and guide the nations upon earth.
Let the peoples praise you, O God;
let all the peoples praise you!

The earth has yielded its increase;
God, our God, shall bless us.
God shall bless us;
let all the ends of the earth fear him!

Beautiful Annapolis, I love thee.

BOOM CHICKA BOOM. I'm home.

The train ride down from Essex Junction was way too freaking long. 13.5 hours sitting on my ass. I entertained myself by taking a picture of the station at every stop. Where will I be next? I was excited to be on the move. I just wanted to keep moving. My heart sang "ON THE ROAD AGAIN!!" On one hand I wanted to keep going. On the other, I was excited to get to Annapolis. I'm still quite disoriented in New England/Mid-Atlantic area. But that will change.

Daniel picked me up from Union Station around 10:30 on Thursday night. As we drove into Annapolis I nearly jumped out of the roof of the car. So excited. I could hardly believe it was real. This place, I've been longing after for months. My heart lives here. It is for the church. I've known that I will be at St. John's for almost three years. Now being here--RIGHT HERE-- in this beautiful brick city-town is almost surreal. It's so nice to see sun every day.

CroQUET! St. John's won. I didn't even watch the game. I walked around and ate food and people- watched and swing (swung? swang?) danced my heart out. That was really fulfilling. I have never been so happy in a large group of people. A midshipman passed by and remarked "YOU are a beautiful dancer!" Aha! I'm excited for how much I have to learn though. I'm getting better at letting the leader do all the work... Completely surrendering. As I got tired, I got better. Then I got worse.

After CroQuET on Saturday night was the Spring Cotillion formal "waltz" party (I only heard one waltz song). There was a live swing band. I ended up staying only an hour before I was not functioning... OK girly... you've been in a crowd of people for 10 hours straight. TIME TO DECOMPRESS. Ten hours...That was an achievement for me for sure.

I am so loved here. The kingdom of heaven in here. Literally. God has opened portals to heaven in this place. That is one of the reasons I've been so excited to call it home. I am part of this family. Basically Downtown Hope is made up of four small (30 or so people) house church communities that join together once a month in Annapolis Elementary auditorium. God has released his Spirit and it is not uncommon to see him move in big ways.

The last week has been spent feeding on the Lord's faithfulness. He gave me Psalm 37 to dwell on.
Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.

I've been basking in His love, feeding on His affections, resting in His faithfulness. He is blessing me daily. On Tuesday, I learned that after all this trouble I finally have a social security number. This means I will be able to get financial aid which means I will be coming to St. John's College FOR SURE.

I've coached a couple SJCA CrossFit classes in Temple Iglehart. Such a fun group of people. I will apply for the gym assistant job while I go to school here. That will be nice. I've been to District CrossFit in DC a couple times with Daniel. Yesterday I worked out with THE Christy Phillips. She kicked my ass. It feels good not to be the best.

Today I did healing prayer (SOZO) with Ray and Kathryn Leight. The Lord healed me of anxiety. He healed my ankle completely. PROOF. I ran two 600 meter laps for the SJCA Greenwaves team at the Marathon relay this afternoon. Then I did side aerials in the grass (a skill I haven't been able to do because I've had to land on my bad foot). Yep. Completely healed.

After today, I feel the presence of the Lord all around me. Especially in my fingertips, and my feet. I am saturated.

In the last week, 5 completely different people have told me that I am going to break down strongholds WITH MY FEET.
or
When I dance I break down strongholds.

I have taken so many pictures of Marlboro, train ride, Annapolis (no croquet pictures; I was too busy partying), Newseum in DC, CrossFit SJCA... etc. I have nowhere to load them presently. You will see a little picture blog spurt soon, I'm sure.

Marlboro

I have fallen in love with Vermont.

But.

I am not going to Marlboro.

Just wanted to get rid of any doubts.... you know.

Ahhh Vermont

Yeah, baby. I'm in Vermont. Rollin' with the hills and the trees and the misty haze that's hanging over this beautiful state. The red-eye was EXCELLENT, in that I slept but barely, conscious of how incredibly uncomfortable I was the whole time. Ah, well... I flew into JFK, New York around 6:30 est, just in time for me to see a beautiful ball of fire rise from the misty horizon. I saw the beginnings of the sunrise then shut the shade because the guy next to me was nodding in and out of sleep.

I had just enough time to doze off at JFK before they called "Flight 4376 to Burlington, general boarding, please." I didn't care how uncomfortable, I was determined to sleep hardcore on the last hour leg of my trip. I did.

I texted Eileen as I got off of the plane "I'm wearing light blue!" she texted back "I have red boots!" We found each other. She expected to take me straight to her apartment in Middlebury so I could sleep, but we ended up eating brunch (breakfast for me, lunch for her) at the Penny Cluse Cafe in downtown Burlington, then touring this "big" Vermont city for a couple hours: Lake Champlain waterfront, University of Vermont, trees, trees, trees, fog...

Vermont-ians love their people. They love their state. They love their ice-cream. And they just make it work.

I was flying high on happiness during the tour. I denied that I was exhausted until we got to her apartment and I flopped on the couch. Oh boy... those 99 burpees are going to be TOUGH this evening. Don't worry, guys. I won't let you down. The day isn't over yet.

Tonight: sleep.

Tomorrow: Marlboro College tour. Middlebury town tour. 98 burpees.

So ready for this

I'm gettin' outta town. I'm lettin' go.
I'm leavin' all my fears behind, yeah.

I'll try to keep y'all updated on how my trip is going. It might be hard to get to a computer, but I'll be taking lots of pictures. I'll post an album as soon as my fast is up.

You JCCFers: keep me updated on the Open. I know you are all going to rock this one so hard.

Oh, and Seattle: don't miss me. Because I won't miss you.

Ciao!

NEWness

Flower god, god of the spring, beautiful, bountiful,
Cold-dyed shield in the sky, lover of versicles,
Here I wander in April
Cold, grey-headed; and still to my
Heart, Spring comes with a bound, Spring the deliverer,
Spring, song-leader in woods, chorally resonant;
Spring, flower-planter in meadows,
Child-conductor in willowy
Fields deep dotted with bloom, daisies and crocuses:
Here that child from his heart drinks of eternity:
O child, happy are children!
She still smiles on their innocence,
She, dear mother in God, fostering violets,
Fills earth full of her scents, voices and violins:
Thus one cunning in music
Wakes old chords in the memory:
Thus fair earth in the Spring leads her performances.
One more touch of the bow, smell of the virginal
Green - one more, and my bosom
Feels new life with an ecstasy.

-RLS

Jesus is Lord, and He is Risen. No one can take away this joy of mine.

There were 17,500 people, all singing praise to Jesus, more than 500 baptisms.
He is Alive,
He has Risen, and
He is here in Seattle.

Go Mars Hill Church!
Go Jesus!

Heaven came down and glory filled my soul

I'm filled with excitement and anticipation at the next few days. The last week has had ups and downs, and I've had to tell myself many times to be still in the midst of the excitement. Monday couldn't come any slower, but I've been having so much fun living out this week and making the most of every opportunity.

I've been in the gym every day this week, which is really nice. It's a good thing I love my job, because being so exhausted by Friday just wouldn't be worth it. I find myself trusting in God more toward the end of the week, so it seems my enthusiasm is richer by Friday. It's funny how that works. Makes me laugh every time. Also been working on a letter to the congressman and senators, requesting further contention on my behalf with the ss situation. That's been a little exciting. We ended up not moving to our new apartment, so Papa will have to do that without me. Not so good for him, as he is hella busy during the week and has to finish cleaning by next Saturday. Oh boy... my goal this weekend is to get things prepared for him to make a smooth transition, i.e. box up my books, take my bed down...etc.

The walls in my room are already bare. It makes me a little sad, but I'm excited to see what my new space will be like. I like spontaneous and unexpected change like this. It spices up my life.

The CrossFit Games are still going on and it psyches me up to be part of it. I did the 5th event of 6 this morning, and was effing destroyed. I laid out in middle of the parking lot for about 20 minutes afterward, like a puddle, letting the sun soak me up. There is one more workout that I will do on Monday morning before taking off to Vermont. Hopefully I'll get some good rest before that happens. I'm pretty physically and emotionally wrecked from this long, busy week.

On days like this, I thank God for his everlasting joy that I never seem to lose even in the midst of weariness. I think he's given that to me for a reason.

Last night I went to the Mars Hill Good Friday service with the Days. Lauren, Colin, Colin's sister Erin, and her fiance Jon (the latter two are living in Annapolis, and want to hang out sometime when I live there. I hope to introduce you Naptown folks to them. Really nice people.) The service was freaking INTENSE. It was dark, with red lights and smoke, heavy music and really upsetting. There was a film about Jesus' trial and execution with disturbing images. I realized how necessary it is to see those images to understand how he really did suffer. What does suffering sound like? What does it look like? That's really all that I deserved, and He took it upon himself.

By His stripes He paid our ransom
From His wounds we drink salvation.
He is the Lord!

At the end of the service the lights turned bright as we sang "This I know, He has paid my ransom!" I was floored. Every year Good Friday and Easter mean a little bit more than the last because I come into it on a different part of my journey, and have experienced Christ in incredible ways. How much He really cares!

"No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father." John 10:18

I'm stoked for Easter tomorrow. I'll be spending the morning with the Days, going to Qwest Field for the Mars Hill service (They're hoping for 20,000 people and 500 baptisms!). I can't wait to hear everyone praising God in that stadium. It's going to be EPIC!

Then dinner at Salty's on Alki with the Days.

Go, beloved. East of Eden, out of sin, into the Rising Son.

I'm so stoked for Easter this year.
Every year it seems to mean much more than the last.

Now, eternally

If you know me well then you know I'm a dreamer. I like to think of the future, and of who and what we will all become. As individuals, towns and communities, and the Body. I feed off of what I see in the future. And I have a fire burning within me that compels me to shout out the ideal of things in the universe. This IMAGE feeds me, and I know we are but reflections of this. The idea of "act as if" intrigues me. That is, when we act as if things are the way they should be, then eventually it will become so.

Obviously, living for the future is not what we are called to. The Lord, called the Great I AM, is the king of BEING. Being is present tense, and in him is rest and repose. I find this idea, above all, most fascinating and inspiring. It seems to me that living right now is the way to be closest to the eternal One, and to Eternity. I find it fascinating, because Eternity--where there is no time--is best emulated in the moment, where there is no concern for past or present.

The challenge of living is to live in the moment when God has promised to fulfill, and life seems to be slowly but surely tipping over a peak. Through this last trial, then into a new season. All you can think of is the next season, the full one. The struggle is to trust that it will come. Soon or later, but it will come.

It gets even harder when you have the calender to tell you when it will come. Then you're lost in a flurry of anticipation leading up to the day, and you hardly enjoy what is before you. I started a new journal, in which I've resolved to write only of the moment. "Do not be anxious, but in prayer and supplication, with thankfulness..." I learn to ask the Lord to bless the moment. I've already prayed for the future, but how often to I just sit back in my chair and thank God for the rain and cold? I know the sun will come, and I've thanked him a million times for that.

I have started this journal right before I go on my trip, resolving to enjoy every day up to it (by the Grace of God, with his patience), because I find that I enjoy the trip better when I have no regrets. Writing the day out really really helps with this. Yesterday I had a nervous breakdown, and had to sit down to write. Ok, Lord... I listened, and lo and behold, He had much to say about this week before leaving. He knew that the spirits of anxiety and and fear were lingering, ready to attack in my weakness. He said:

"Do not be anxious about anything... but tell me what you want... Doesn't the Father in Heaven know that you need these things?... Doesn't the Father in Heaven also give good gifts to those who ask him?... Do not fear.
"In righteousness you will be established
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
It will not come near you.
If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
...no weapon forged against you will prevail
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord.
"You are always with me (I love you with an everlasting love).
I hold you by your right hand
I guide you with my counsel
And afterward I take you into glory.
"The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save;
He takes great delight in you
And rejoices over you with singing."

So, I find myself looking to the future with hope then wrangling all my thoughts back to the task before me. It has been incredibly rewarding to say "Yes, Lord!" to his promises, then just sit back and "act as if" they are being worked out. How glorious and beautiful to live in such a state!

social security #

It is a season of waiting.

But surely the Lord forgets not His servants who love Him.

He contends with those who contend with us.

And He, primarily He, fights our battles.

"Use this world, do not consume it.
Never pursue pleasure, rather let it find you...
At the end of every day...
Where you made discipline your friend.
For pleasure never comes in what you hold,
But in what holds onto you--compelling you to care.
Release your grasp and in your open hand
You'll find the world."

A requiem for love, by Calvin Miller

I've heard from all of the five colleges I applied to. The tabs have come in. I am officially too cool for school!

In spite of the unhappy news I received from Harvard, Dartmouth, and Middlebury, I will still get to see Marlboro in a few weeks. Eileen Howard, a lovely friend of Laurel and Chad's, agreed to drive me and host me while I'm in Vermont. She lives a couple hours' drive from Marlboro and the airport (in the opposite direction), and has advised me into train routes from Vermont to D.C. After visiting the school, interviewing students, and sitting in on a class (perhaps two), I will spend about 20 hours on the train to get to Annapolis. Just in time for Croquet!

Then on the agenda: hang with family and friends until D&A's wedding on the 18th of May.

The change of pace will do me some good.

Jet City CrossFit

This is what I am going to miss the most when I leave. Each and every one of the people in my gym, all 40 of them or so, have changed my life. Each so unique in their expression of God's handiwork. One of my clients, with whom I've recently become good friends, told me the other day "I make these videos because I feel like I can never do enough for you guys. Sure, I pay, but even getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the base-boards in the gym will not be enough to repay you all for how you've changed my life."




Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work--this is a gift of God. Ecclesiastes 5:19

What the bleep do I know?

Laurel and Chad came to visit for a weekend. It just seemed to me that God deliberately lengthen those days for me so that I could enjoy them an squeeze all the goodness of spending time with my siblings. On Friday, I met them at MHGS, where I sat in on a part of their orientation, student questioning, etc. Afterward, Chad bore with us ladies as we went dress shopping until after dark. I found my bridesmaid dress! Saturday night we went over to Amy's house to watch the UFC fights. Here, I took my first ouzo shot (warming up for college). Sunday we went to church and listened to Pastor Mark talk about hell. Probably one of the most weighty and emotional sermons I have ever heard. Hearing the words "There is salvation..." was refreshing. Sunday afternoon we had brunch at Spring Hill, shopped for Acacia, and spent a good load of quality family time at home, taking the strengthsfinder... resting.

Apart from taking my first shot and stuff like that, I feel like I grew up a little bit during that weekend and came to understand a little bit about what I know. Firstly, there is big load of stuff that I don't know that I don't know. About most things I'm simply blind to my blindness. I don't even know what the world holds, there is darkness beyond the confines of my home and life. So much happening out in the world that I couldn't care less about (not because I'm indifferent, but simply because I don't know they are happening). Then there are things that I know that I don't know, and pursue them until I achieve them. These are the questions that I know I must ask. How do I come to the resolution of the matter I am currently faced with? And then there are an even smaller percentage of things that I know. Even in those things I find no rest or security. These are the certain things that God has chosen for me to be conscious of, the little bit he has entrusted me with--such a small percentage of His Universe. Life is surely blind living. I think we all live by faith whether we know it or not.

You're brilliant, grace marked your heart.

I'll be headed up the hill to hang out with Lauren in a few minutes, but I just wanted to give y'all a taste of how blessed I am to be where I am.

I just got back from a little bus adventure to Pike's Place Market to buy a gift for Lauren. It felt so good to be on my own. I finally feel comfortable going downtown by myself. I just dress up, grab my 75 cents to pay for bus fare, take a deep breath and embrace my independence. I love Seattle so much.

I got home and turned on Switchfoot's latest album Hello Hurricane!, which my friend Greg compiled on a MP3 along with some Anberlin and chill-out music. I've been wanting this album for a long long time. Jesus knew that it would make me happy, so he worked things out. I didn't even have to buy it. So happy!

Yesterday Greg, Eleni, and I went up to CrossFit Advantage to workout with a big group of friends and CrossFitters. I saw Natalya for the first time in forever. She's coming down to Seattle on Thursday, and we might go for dinner or something. Her life is really exciting right now (she's going to INDIA in September!), and it will be a blessing to hear about it. Love that little joy so much.

I have my French Final tomorrow. I have to finish the final touch-ups on the writing requirement, then I'll be all set. My partner for the Oral part is a cute Japanese girl, Karera. Her home was devastated in the Tsunami. Her family is fine, which is good, and she has such a great attitude. "We will overcome," she said. She makes me really happy, and I'm going to miss her. This will be my last time at Seattle Central until... I'm not sure. Maybe never. I'm already starting to feel nostalgic. It's been such a delightful experience to be in a classroom. Madame Lonay is retiring after 30 some years of teaching. I'm really gonna miss her. She is a wonderful lady, and an excellent teacher.

Laurel and Chad are coming next weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing them.

I feel lavished with the gifts of my Father right now. I'm just throwing it all off, and finding joy just going along for the ride as I hold his hand. He's so tender with His children as we work out our lives, through the storms and struggles, and He's so near as he blesses us. I'm rejoicing in the truth "I have come that they may have life and have it in FULL!"

A season of IMMENSE JOY

It feels good to sit and write a blog post after all that has happened in the past weeks.

By the title of this post you can probably tell that all has been well with me, but I think BITTERSWEET describes it better. It's been a roller-coaster to say the least.

Right now the weather in Seattle is glorious. Things are blossoming, welcoming spring, and it seems the general mood of the city is beginning to change. Winter lasts nine really long months here, and you almost begin to forget what the sun feels like and question why the hell you live here in the first place. The newness motivated me to clean my room, and put up new pictures on my wall-- things that make me happy.

We're having Lynn over tonight for movie and corned beef. I guess we're a little late on the St. Patrick's celebration. Whatever on the green beer thing. I don't care much for it. Apparently God used St. Patrick in PRETTY AMAZING ways.

So, I'm going to Mars Hill Church. I like it a lot. When Daniel and Acacia were here, my big bear of a brother encouraged me to start attending. The make up is of a younger crowd, which contrasts greatly with what I found at the church I was going to in Rainier Valley. Emerald City Bible Fellowship is small and diverse, and I liked it for those reasons. Mars Hill is young and large, and I feel like it's more community oriented. I was approached on my first day of going alone and asked if I wanted to serve. ON MY FIRST DAY. Yeah, I felt totally welcome. I realized that I just needed to be needed.

I'm serving on the greeting team. I hand out programs and float in the sanctuary to help new people find their way. It seems fitting, as it was a "floater" who approached me on the first day comforting me and making me feel more welcome and safe in a place than I ever have before.

Last Sunday was a really bad day. I didn't have the opportunity to go to church in the morning, and spent the day in a slight emotional delirium. Interactions with Pa were not pleasant. In the evening I felt I had to get away. I ended up running to the only place I new that I would be SAFE: yeah, Mars Hill. They have an evening service I had never been to. I jumped on next bus to downtown, got off in the underground tunnel, and ran 10 blocks through rain and hail, arriving drenched. Actually running through the rain lifted my spirits and I was able to stop crying to listen to the sermon.

A blessing awaited me when I went up for prayer afterwards. A gift. A surprise.... Like hearing the audible words of the Lord saying to me "I love you KALLI!" Of all the prayer deacons, I approached a kind red-headed lady named Amanda, whom I talked to about my life for a couple minutes before she prayed for me. Then she asked me if I was able to connect with a community group. I told her I couldn't because I work and have school in the evenings usually, but I was really needing people and community at this time in my life.

She said, I'll be right back. Stay here.

She came back with a young women named Lauren Day who said she was interested in hanging out with me during the day. She lives in Beacon Hill, about a mile uphill from G-town, has two kids, and is at home in the afternoon. "Come hang out," she said.

I connected with her on Wednesday, and we had a really great conversation. What the conversation entailed is a wonder of God:

She's from Maryland. I was immediately excited by this and I told her I would be going to St. John's next fall and my family is living over there. It took some time for us to put it all together, but eventually I mentioned the name "Daniel Elkins" and her eyes widened.
"NO WAY! You know Daniel Elkins!?"

Lauren's husband Colin mentored Daniel back when he first became a Christian, and they sponsored him when he went on mission over seas. Of course... While he was here, I had heard Daniel mention a man whom he knew and was trying to connect with at Mars Hill. Colin Day. That name had sounded so familiar.

What were the chances of me being in the Days' house at that moment, in my time of need? Probably like 1 in a katrillion. Lauren normally never went to the 5pm service, she was just there to talk to Amanda that day. That day I had had a really bad day, and called upon the Lord with the song by Rush of Fools:

"Come like the DAY.
Come chase away the darkness..."

CrossFit Games Open

I'm hitting it hard for my JET CITY CROSSFIT TEAM this year!

Here is our first video mash-up, put together by our very own John Parker:



(Yes, I'm the one wearing pink argyle and pointing my toes.)

All this hype about competition psyches me up again as I reminisce about my past experiences at the Games. It feels SO good to compete for my team. It's great to work alongside and struggle with people again... Although training alone is just about as rewarding, it is not nearly as fun!

Also, here's a little LOVE FROM THE COMMUNITY on the main CrossFit Games site.

Man, I'm so excited for this.

Big? Small.

You've opened my eyes to your wonders anew
You've captured my heart with your love
'Cause nothing on earth is as (crazy-awesome) beautiful as you.

I marvel everyday at the personality of the One who created this flower, but also causes devastating disasters throughout the world, such as the earthquake/tsunami this last week in Japan. It's so terrible, as in terror, as in God is Great. As in... I fear him.

I am once more brought back to a place of utter AWE at what He can do. I laugh as I think of humanity, how we think we're so big and powerful and in control of our lives. We think we can live our lives based on reason and rationality, and yet there is so much that we must admit cannot be quantified or determined. We are silly in this way. I laugh at our smallness.

Ha Ha.

Wow, Life is so precious. I hope God holds those people and blesses them one day with the same measure that he has afflicted them. He loves them, I believe he will.

This is home

Arizona was the place of my infancy. I have only pleasant memories of our houses there. I think this is where I first ate sap, slept in a tree house, and loved pink.

Claremont, CA was the place of my childhood. Going to elementary school, spending long days outside with friends, going to the park, being clumsy at gymnastics, having my first crush, climbing trees, and falling out of them...

In SLO, CA I grew up in many ways. I grew in my imagination, spending hours outside alone. I grew in solitude and learned to listen to my heart. Those were the most memorable homeschooling years, when I learned to love my studies, CrossFit, and gymnastics became serious.

Gymnastics brought us to Seattle. This place is my home more than any of these of others, because I have suffered and grown rapidly in body and spirit. I've become a woman. I have experienced the greatest redemption in my family, which has changed my life and outlook of the world. It is home because I've learned to appreciate the moment, the place, and the circumstances I find myself in.

Obviously, it is home now to me because I live here. But I'm beginning to think that it will remain home to me even when I leave for college. I applied to schools all on the east coast, unconsciously, I keep telling myself. But I must admit now that part of me wants to get away. As far away as possible. I don't think it is that I want away from Seattle, though, but more that I want to be free of the security of home.

I've seen it happen with all my siblings: at a certain point we all yearn to be out of the nest, to try our wings in the wide open sky. The itch to get away causes restlessness, and eventually orneriness. What was once comfortable becomes a source of our annoyances. We can't stand the place anymore, the people bore us, we just want to get up and leave comfort and security for something more unexpected.

I love this PLACE, the RHYTHM of life, the PEOPLE. EVERYTHING. Even the culture is starting to fascinate me, in a strange "I'll just stand back and observe" sort of way. I realize how much great music there is here. I've never seen such a dense concentration of people who long so fervently for "self-expression" and "I'm special-ness." In other words, this place is very liberal. I'm sorta beginning to understand what that means.

So it's not the PLACE that I want to get away from, but more the security. I guess I could say that I'm becoming wander-lust. But I know that even when I leave, I will certainly settle down into a new rhythm, again relying on the security of routine. So I'm still not sure what it is.... I guess I just want to move on.

There is something else about home that I hold closely to my heart, hoping that I will never forget. It is rest. This is home to me because I've learned to do this. I love it because it is predictable, everything has a place and time, and I understand where to find things. I've almost memorized the transit system, the order of streets in the city, and where all the districts are. I can understand what people are talking about when they tell me where they live, instead of nodding and saying "I have no idea." My body and my soul like the rhythm of the everyday things of Seattle. That is something I will miss when I leave.

Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

Lead Follow

All I can think about is our connection and His lead. Where is He going? Wherever, I don't mind. Sometimes He throws me into a spin and we lose connection for a second, but then I'm right back in His arms. The comfort is found in knowing that He is always in control, and He always knows the next move. All I do is follow, and think about my hands in His. We move to the rhythm of His heartbeat, His grace, His lifesong. This dance, this life, goes on and on. The thrill in the spins, the bounce in the basic step. I know not to lead Him, but to lean on Him when I'm unsure.

It is beautiful, this dance.

Accepted 2

MARLBORO

General Information

• Date established: 1946
• Type: residential, coed, private liberal arts college
• Total enrollment: 330
• Student-faculty ratio: 8:1
• Average class size: 10 students
• Percentage of classes with fewer than 20 students: 94

"Marlboro College offers a student-centered approach to education that is structurally and culturally different from other colleges. Unfettered by generic course requirements, each student works with their faculty advisor to choose an individualized course of study. For graduation, seniors complete a self-designed Plan of Concentration that is reviewed by an outside evaluator who is an expert in the student's field."


Mark, the Director of Admissions, has been very cordial and communicate during the process. The first time we spoke he interviewed me over the phone about my life and interests etc. He said the admissions committee even googled my name and found the "You just got schooled..." poster, which impressed them greatly. He told me that this morning at the meeting they were very concerned about my ability to continue cultivating my passions. "I sure hope our gym is big enough for her," they said.

Yeah, this is pretty much awesome. Fall in Vermont takes my breath away.

Accepted 1

ST. JOHN'S

General Information

FOUNDED: The College was founded in Annapolis in 1696 as King William's School and chartered in 1784 as St. John's College. A second campus was opened in 1964 in Santa Fe. St. John's is a four-year, co-educational, liberal arts college with no religious affiliation.

CURRICULUM (undergraduate): Integrated arts and sciences program based on a chronological study of seminal works of Western civilization. The following curriculum is required of all undergraduates:

• Seminar: 4 years -- philosophy, theology, political science, literature, history, economics, psychology.
• Mathematics: 4 years -- geometry, astronomy, algebra, calculus, relativity.
• Language: 4 years -- Ancient Greek, French, English composition, English poetry.
• Science: 3 years -- biology, chemistry, atomic theory, physics.
• Music: 1 year -- theory, composition.

DEGREE GRANTED (undergraduate): Bachelor of Arts.

FACULTY-STUDENT RATIO (undergraduate): 1 to 8

CLASS SIZE (undergraduate): Seminars of about 20 students are led by 2 faculty members. Tutorials and laboratory sessions usually have 12 to 16 students led by 1 faculty member.

LIBRARY FACILITIES: The libraries in Annapolis and Santa Fe contain over 100,000 and 60,000 volumes respectively. Each library houses a number of special collections, and each campus has a music library.

LOCATION: The 36-acre eastern campus is located in the heart of historic Annapolis, which is the capital of Maryland and also a seaport town close to Washington, D.C. and Baltimore. Nestled at 7300 feet above sea level in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains, the nation’s oldest capital city, Santa Fe combines Hispanic, Native American, and Anglo cultures. The 250-acre Santa Fe campus offers both spectacular scenery and the cultural attractions of the Southwest.

So stoked.

I just talked with the Director of Admissions about my SSN predicament (aka FAFSA bleh). She said "Oh boy... well I'm going to talk with Mr. Christensen (dean) and [director of financial aid] and make sure they are aware of the situation. We don't want this to be a problem for you, Kallista. Because we want you. No matter who you are related to."

Hehe

Top 5 Strengths

MAXIMIZER
People strong in the Maximizer theme focus on strengths as a way to stimulate personal and group excellence. They seek to transform something strong into something superb. Strengths, whether yours or someone else's, fascinate you. And having found a strength, you feel compelled to nurture it, refine it, and stretch it toward excellence. It's more fun. It's more productive. And, counterintuitively, it is more demanding.



RESPONSIBILITY
People strong in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable.


POSITIVITY
People strong in the Positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do. You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.


BELIEF
People with a strong Belief theme have certain core values that are enduring causing them to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics both in themselves and others. Out of these values emerges a defined purpose for their life.


LEARNER
You love to learn. The subject matter that interests you most will be determined by your other themes and experiences, but whatever the subject, you will always be drawn to the process of learning. People strong in the Learner theme have a great desire to learn and want to continuously improve. In particular, the process of learning, rather than the outcome, excites them.

Two really good reasons why I should be 21 NOW

Seattle MUSIC





Papa saw Morcheeba (Skye) last night, and Yann is playing at Neumos this weekend. Not an "all ages" club, unfortunately.

So lame. Maybe it's fake ID time.

Summer plans and recent happenings

It's so much fun to make plans. I'm looking forward to a lot, many exciting things:

I got accepted into St. John's. Everybody knows already, but I just thought I'd say it again.



I'm doing FAFSA/taxes for the first time in my life. Fun stuff, for sure. No, not stressful at all.



I get to go dress shopping soon for Acacia's wedding in May. It will be blue.




Yeah, I'm going to Annapolis in May. I'm pretty stoked. Grandma will be there!




If I get accepted into Marlboro, I might visit Vermont before the wedding. Maybe. I should hear from them on Thursday afternoon.



Switchfoot will be at The SoulFest, As well as some other really cool bands. Heather and I are planning on going together in August. God provided discounted tickets for me, and Heather has been wanting to visit a friend in New Hampshire, so we might have a place to stay.



Chad and Laurel are coming to visit in a month to interview for Mars Hill Grad School. Will they possibly live in Seattle next year?



I started attending Mars Hill Church Downtown. I feel really welcome at this church. I joined a serving team. This is so exciting for me, because I realize how hungry I've been to be part of a flock, and serve the body of Christ. I am a cell, and I now have a purpose with respect to the WHOLE.



I will be participating in the Sectional Qualifier for the CrossFit Games. I'm part of the JCCF team this year.




My ankle is better. I got a free 6 sessions of Graston done on my ankle during the past few weeks, by Skylar Pond, a local chiropractor and sports medicine doctor. Graston basically breaks up all the scar tissue and fascia build-up from soft tissue injuries. As Dr. Pond was working on my ankle it sounded like the stainless steel tools were breaking up concrete. After six sessions, it's much smoother, and glides better (less intensely, more like gravel). Get this: God has literally made "the rough places smooth." Literally.

Learn to trust in the Lord when you are blind to the path before you

"From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.

We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in you. "
PSALM 33:13-15, 20-22

This psalm prays for me the words I cannot find within me. You look down and you see me, whom you formed. You consider all that I do, and take it all to heart. I wait in hope for you to show your face. I find security in your protecting wing. You cover and shield me from all that I fear.

In you alone do I find true joy. In you I rejoice and live truly. Your name, Jesus is fresh to my ears and rings against the chambers of my heart. I pray that you would see how I seek you, and withhold no good thing from my ever needy being. I hope in you because I find that only you are faithful.

Right now:

Either dreams are coming true, or they are falling apart. I cannot tell which. I cannot put my hope in dreams.

Either friendship will come soon, later, or not at all. I cannot put my hope in friendship.

Either I will go to school next fall, or I will not. Perhaps He has something better. I cannot put my hope in school.

Either I will find community in my new flock or not. In the past, real good fellowship has been but a vapor and a dream. I cannot put my hope in church.

All this human planning and wanting is, in the end, in His hands completely. Control is indeed an illusion. As I hope in these things, my heart's eye strains and wrestles with this illusion. I become cross-eyed, trying to see clearly. Then I say to my heart, be still. My eyes close and I sigh. Blind, again. It is the best way to be. Trusting, ever leaning on the leader, my Lord, my shepherd, to guide me as I walk. My heart wrenches at his each move; each step we take shapes me in different ways, changes me, molds me, perfects me.

Though I cannot see or understand or know what may come of this time in my life, I notice how somber and peaceful He is in the midst of it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he has a lot of experience with this. Papa reflects it. Papa has 26 years of child rearing experience, and he is relatively calm about all this. God... well he pretty much has an eternity.

There is no fear in your eyes, God. You know it's going to work out fine.

Truly, nothing matters to me more than having a constant awareness of that calm face. Or just a glimpse every so often. That is all I want, to see those eyes in my heart. Shining down upon us lovingly. Always patient, always waiting, ever in control.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.
Isaiah42:16

Unknown

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man;
When God wants to mold a man
To play the noblest part,
Then he yearns with all his heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed,
Watch his method, watch his ways--

How he ruthlessly perfects
Whom he royally elects,
How he hammers him and hurts him
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay
Which only God understands.

While his tortured heart is crying,
And he lifts beseeching hands
How he bends but never breaks
When his good he undertakes
How he uses whom he chooses
And with every purpose, fuses him,
By every act induces him
To try his splendor out.
God knows what he's about.

"Them that honor Me, I will honor."

US National Junior Weightlifting Championships.
Silver.

The Lord has done a mighty work within me. I believe this truth now, more than ever.

"Angels are assigned to you to keep you company." Laurel sent me this text before we left for Houston. We had had a chat about angels and spiritual presences a few months ago, and since then-- since I consciously offered my senses to be instruments of righteousness--I have become more aware of these presences. They are ministers of the Lord's to send comfort, healing, and strength to those in need.

There were at least three. I always know they are there, because I can feel a spring of abundant joy burst within me whenever I smile. I've gotten into the habit of conjuring up a smile whenever I feel jittery because it relaxes me. During this weekend, whenever I smiled the jitters away, I couldn't help but giggle too. That was the angel tapping into the spring releasing genuine joy.

Because of that, this meet was the most fun I've ever had. It was better than every other gymnastics or weightlifting or Crossfit competition. Way better.

Beside having a load of fun, I felt strong. In the last weeks before competition I mildly strained an adductor muscle, which made me want to let my right knee roll in when I stood from a squat. It was feeling a little weak when I was training at the venue on Friday afternoon. I prayed for a strong right leg constantly after. Well... there was no symptom on Saturday, come competition day. I felt my best.

The competition: I easily made my opening attempt at 55kg, which I was credited with in the end. The judges called me on a lazy left elbow on my second attempt at 58kg, and following myself, I missed it again on the third attempt.
I started my Clean and Jerks with light opener for me, 72kg after the bronze medalist finished her last credited lift. I finished with 78 kg, which I had done for the first time last weekend at Rainier Crossfit. It was a competition PR and my technique was "superb." Several coaches approached me after the medal ceremony and described my technique with words like that: "incredible" extraordinary" "superb" "the best technique at this competition."
Papa said that was pretty cool.

Standing on the podium I pumped my fists and smiled big. I don't think I've ever felt so good about a competitive performance. I feel for the first time that it's easy to say thank you and humbly agree when someone says that I'm awesome. I truthfully feel that I was all that God wanted me to be at this meet.

Today, I talked to Laurel, who was watching the live broadcast the whole time, about the experience. I told her I feel so honored, and understand now that it is the Lord's glory manifested in me. She confirmed that when she said that when I stepped out on the platform, I looked different. Not different like bigger stronger physically-- but different as in... glowing.

"I will be a wall of fire around you, and I will be your glory within."

I am a light, like a silver star. Glowing, pulsating the glory of God. That's freaking crazy-awesome.

Gettin' pumped for Nationals.

These are some pretty inspiring lifts from a Russian Junior at Worlds last year.
This video got me pumped up before I went into training and hit some solid 60kg snatches.

Notice how his feet hit the ground a moment after he locks it overhead. His pits are forward. And he's really freaking fast.

Good stuff.

Nuvole Bianche

I'm embracing my rest day, listening to Ludovico. I'm reminded of the bewitching power the piano has over me. I can sit down at my key board perfecting this piece for hours, never tiring. It is oh so beautiful.

Ahh, rest. I love these days. This recovery is essential to my general well-being. I've worked mightily all week, and found a grand fulfillment. For the first time I feel like an athlete, something I never really felt as a gymnast. I easily picture myself on to that podium at nationals. I've recently become conscious of a long time fear of winning. How I suppressed this fear for so long, I do not know.

When I was a gymnast I was often told of my potential, impeccable work ethic, physical beauty and grace, and the like. I always had the sense that I was still so far from my potential. In retrospect the image that comes to mind is a person running at full speed to a thick brick wall, smashing into it with all their might, then running back to the beginning, recoiling, and doing it again and again. I laugh at this now. Yes, that person was me. Beyond that wall was a journey I would never know.

This image of the person and the wall astonishes me. I remember Papa always talking about this wall that I had to get over before I could do this and that. Maybe it was this particular wall that I kept so persistent at running myself into. I. need. to. get. through. Alas, there was no way to the other side but over.

The wall was a fear of success. As irrational as it sounds, it is a justifiable phobia. My rationale was formed around my want to be a humble being. As a winner, I would be glorified. People would remember my name. I would probably be sponsored... in a way I would be worshiped. The thought of gaining the whole world seemed completely meaningless to me. I couldn't see any value in it, because it was such a short term thing. Besides I would risk forfeiting my soul, right? Along with that was that I believed a lie that God frankly didn't care that I won. I thought He wouldn't help me. My unconscious motive was to stay on His good side by not winning. Unfortunately my apparent "humility" made it look like I sabotaged my gymnastics career. In a way I did, but it wasn't on purpose. I was headstrong, persistent, hard working, and in the end it was my persistence that broke me down. I wouldn't stop running into the wall because I. had. to. get. through.

The truth and reality is that God does really care. He cares a lot more than I can measure. And he began to care a lot more when I said that I cared. When I lacked purpose or direction, and simply did not care, I would ask Him over and over "Father, what do you want me to do?" Eventually He turned the question back on me and asked "Kalli, what do you want to do?" Basically he told me to "GET A LIFE, then we'll talk...."

And we had a talk alright. He walked me through a forgiveness process. I claimed back things that had been taken from me: my human dignity and my right to be who I was created to be. When I received these things it was then that He told me that He would make me a "City Without Walls."

Then I looked up, and there before me was a man with a measuring line in his hand. I asked, “Where are you going?” He answered me, “To measure Jerusalem, to find out how wide and how long it is.” While the angel who was speaking to me was leaving, another angel came to meet him and said to him: “Run, tell that young man, ‘Jerusalem will be a city without walls because of the great number of people and animals in it. And I myself will be a wall of fire around it,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will be its glory within.’
Zechariah 2:1-5

A city without walls is immeasurable for three reasons:
1. It has a great abundance within it. If it had walls, or limits, they would be broken down because of such great and innumerable things that it holds.
2. It is surround by God, who manifests as a wall of fire. He is my protector who consumes any foreign things that wish to kill, or destroy the abundance of life within me.
3. It is filled with God, who manifests in all His Glory. Essentially he wants to fill all of me with all of him. Which makes all that was previously impossible, possible; and all that was previously measurable, immeasurable.

It has take me some time to digest this all. I still think there is so much more for Him to show me. I hope it speaks to your heart in some way. If not the story, maybe the music will.