The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way."
Chambers
By what authority do I write these things? I asked the Lord the other day. I cannot see how I, a child who has not suffered, a child with little experience of the world... could speak with such confidence. By the world, this wisdom is "way beyond me" as I've been told. I don't deny that I speak a wisdom beyond my age (and experience), but what if I say that "These words are not my own"? These words I speak are not my wisdom at all.
I mentioned in a recent post that I felt very protected as a child, meaning I had a beautiful and full childhood. I was allowed this, not because my father sheltered me or kept me away from experiencing the world out of fear that I would be hurt, but because my Father surrounded me with light out of love, and shaped me according to His plan for my life. An example of this is found in my recent discovery of the darknesses that have hung over my family. Until I was 12 years old, I lived in oblivion, the lightness and playfulness of my imagination, with an awareness of the gentle hand of a Heavenly Being constantly covering me and gifting me. When I reached that age, things were gradually revealed to me. The darkness was slowly brought to the light, but I was still unaffected by it. Secrets were revealed gently, and minimal tears were cried.
I compare this experience to that of my siblings and peers, and recognize a very strange contrast. I can still hardly understand it. I look at their lives and ask "Why isn't there the same pervasive joy and light that I feel and see in every aspect of my life?" The difficulties in being this "sheltered child" are subtle. The main difficulty is being looked down upon because I have not suffered.... and therefore have not experienced.
Of course that is a lie, but it has been unconsciously told to me. Because I have not experienced pain, endured it, grown from it, etc. I don't have the wisdom or merit because there is no experience to stand upon? I call BS.
I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. I keep this blog, and speak my mind with confidence. I live in the peace of God, in childlikeness, standing and resting upon the truth that he sees me as righteous. This does not mean that I have authority, or am righteous in myself. It does not mean that I have ANYTHING to boast in. I am alive because of Christ and Christ alone.
I am a finite vessel, used for common or noble purposes... I cannot say for sure. But I am a vessel. This means that when the Lord fills me to the brim I begin to overflow. I have a need to write these things.
But if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
Jeremiah20:9
My favorite passages in the entire bible are John 14 and 15, when Christ speaks to his disciples about being one with the Father and remaining in Him. "Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work."
I like this particular passage because it affirms to me that I have no authority to boast in, or merit to stand upon. I am simply a vessel, a very beloved one. Being a child of God, accepting his gifts and REMAINING IN HIM is all that is asked of me. "Then we will bear much fruit--fruit that will last."
When I asked Him by what authority I speak, He said "I praise the Father in Heaven, because He has revealed these things to the little children."
Blessed are the little children, He said, who have experienced very little, who have not lived enough to be hurt, are always faithful, humble, and in need of a protector.
I cannot keep my personality from coming through on this blog, and I have been wary and a little fearful that I would make impressions of myself... But I can remain confident that I lack any and all authority or merit to claim that these words I speak are true. I can only trust that the authority is the Father's, and the reason I am heard is because He speaks.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah55:10-11
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
What the new year holds
I am struck with a conviction. It challenges me to rest in the life that is given me. I have never had this problem to this degree, where I look on the other side of the fence and think that the grass is greener. I realize it's not much better over there, that the grass is green on both sides, and beauty and joy found in all things.
I am put in check by these words of Ruskin, about the BEAUTY OF REPOSE:
"As opposed to passion, changefulness, or laborious exertion, repose is the especial and separating characteristic of the eternal mind and power; it is the "I AM" of the Creator opposed to the "I become" of all creatures; it is the sign alike of the supreme knowledge which is incapable of surprise, the supreme power which is incapable of labor, the supreme volition which is incapable of change; it is the stillness of the beams of the eternal chambers laid upon the variable waters of ministering creatures..."
The Lord has stilled my hunger for fellowship in many ways in the last weeks, including allowing Aimee and Don to be here. Although we have not spent as much time together as I would have liked, they seem to to have brought a goodness and hope with them that I feed off. It can be attributed to the amounts they speak of Annapolis and school. But they are happy to be away... I see how much Aimee loves her city, Seattle in all its majesty. She is giddy as she shows Donald around her home. I realize that there is so much more of my home to see, which is the blunt of my conviction.
With the combination of ceasing to strive for fellowship, seeing Aimee's love for home, and the impending prospect of leaving in 8 months, I have resolved to live... to the fullest extent. This is not the first time I've made this resolution, and have been generally successful in carrying it out; I love my life, and can complain about nothing. I don't believe in "new year resolutions" because it seems to confine making resolutions to just the beginning of the year. Instead I see the value in day to day resolutions, or even better: moment to moment.
This is just the first time that I can make this resolution with REPOSE in mind, finding freedom in allowing the GREAT I AM to rest over me. I also realize that the first step in making plans is accepting where you are, or to put a different way: Embracing NOW, in order to enjoy LATER.
I rarely speak of what I am going to do beyond the day to day plans because I understand that the Lord's ways are spontaneous. I trust in His promises and put my hope in Him, knowing that I cannot possibly imagine the ways He wishes to satisfy me. In the last year, He has promised me great things for my life, which is a great reason to be excited. But it is my job to rest and trust in Him and not strive, stretch, or strain for their fulfillment. I rest in this truth:
God is not human, that he should lie, not a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Number 23:19
The picture above was taken on a little adventure to Snoqualmie Pass last weekend with Papa. I love that light on the snow. I'll be making some other expeditions of that nature in the next months, I hope. Frank has offered to teach me to snowboard. We'll make it happen.
Embrace it, Kallista. Seattle has culture, activity, music, people, and the buzz buzz buzz of city life whose likeness cannot be found elsewhere. There will be no other time or opportunity like the coming months and days when your heart is prepared only for the now. God has given you the ability to appreciate. There is nothing like this moment.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
THEN and NOW- Journal entry, June 20 2009
THEN
I wrote this in my journal a month and a half before I quit gymnastics. I had been really depressed.
God, I have so many despairing thoughts that I cannot decide if they are worth putting into words.
What thoughts are worth putting into words except the joyful ones that have some beauty?
I don't find peace in writing anymore.
Add some lamplight, some inspiration, some deep emotion, and a little patience, and see what happens.
A couple beautiful things I noticed today:
My mind was racing and my body was jittery. I am emotionally exhausted.
I hate church. I just want to be alone. I don't fit in. I feel bound by obligation to go and it makes my free side uneasy. I think about things too much.
I think about gym, I think about CrossFit.
I think about pain (and ignoring it)
I think about reading boring stuff cause I know it will benefit me.
I think about eating enough for once.
I think about maybe feeling better about my future one day.
I think about what life would be like without gymnastics.
Is it possible to get an academic scholarship [as a homeschooler]?
How about quitting gym and training people and homeschooling and Crossfitting full time. And then raising enough money by training to attend St. John's and then graduating and training Crossfit full time.
That is what I want.
But of course, I'm still naive and don't know exactly what's best for me.
I'll just live through this hellish gymnastics period and become a great Olympian.
You can tell I'm depressed by my extreme sarcasm...
Lord, help me.
NOW
I am free.
The dreams about homeschooling and training CrossFit to raise enough money for St. John's are coming true. That is my life right now. Could I have ever imagined at that time that the Lord had these plans in mind for me? I thought I was joking about the impossible then. It was along the same lines as "I want to fly to the moon." Pshh yeah right. Quit gymnastics. Impossible.
In retrospect it was the hardest thing I ever did. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of it now, that I felt abandoned by the Lord himself. I hardly ever prayed back then, because I thought that the Lord wanted me in gymnastics. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hated it. Of course he knew, better than I, what my true future held. He planted this "ridiculous" thought in my head that I would go to St. John's and be paid for coaching. I didn't know then that the prospect of working for Burgener awaited me. I had no power then to bring into actualization these things my soul longed for. All I knew was that I felt powerless to live my life the way I wanted to live. I felt like I was in a prison, a cage that I had already fully explored. I wandered in the darkness and despaired at my powerlessness in bringing about my desire to fly.
There was a battle. The Lord went before me and behind me. I articulated my desire to fly to Yulia, and she put up quite a fight. She merely told me that I would never soar, that I would fall deeper into the darkness. What I did not understand was how one who could have mentored me and encouraged me, and been a mother figure to me turn against me and become my enemy. That broke my heart most of all, how I could not have a relationship with one whom I admired so much.
Since then
I've found community in church, and no longer feel "obligated" to go. I am simply nourished by it, and go because I love the people.
I still think about things too much, but it's mostly in joy.
I still think about gym sometimes, but it's mostly in the realization that the Lord was near to me all along, and had ordained it all for bringing glory to his name.
I hardly ever think about pain. If it is there I do not ignore it, because it is a message telling me that things are not right. I either need to rest my body, or come back to walk in the truth.
I have gotten into the great habit of eating enough (and taking my vitamins), something I was terrible at back then because my mind was so scattered. Interestingly, not eating enough eventually led to my injury, which in turn led to my retirement.
I feel GREAT about my future!
I find the greatest peace in writing prayers and the Word of God spoken to my heart.
Petrichor and chocolate still go great together!
God knows our hearts so much better than we do!!!
I wrote this in my journal a month and a half before I quit gymnastics. I had been really depressed.
God, I have so many despairing thoughts that I cannot decide if they are worth putting into words.
What thoughts are worth putting into words except the joyful ones that have some beauty?
I don't find peace in writing anymore.
Add some lamplight, some inspiration, some deep emotion, and a little patience, and see what happens.
A couple beautiful things I noticed today:
- Petrichor and chocolate are the perfect combination after a joyful day at work, to bring out any thoughts from the days past
- I saw the ground resist water today!
- Poppies smell good
- Tomorrow is the solstice
My mind was racing and my body was jittery. I am emotionally exhausted.
I hate church. I just want to be alone. I don't fit in. I feel bound by obligation to go and it makes my free side uneasy. I think about things too much.
I think about gym, I think about CrossFit.
I think about pain (and ignoring it)
I think about reading boring stuff cause I know it will benefit me.
I think about eating enough for once.
I think about maybe feeling better about my future one day.
I think about what life would be like without gymnastics.
Is it possible to get an academic scholarship [as a homeschooler]?
How about quitting gym and training people and homeschooling and Crossfitting full time. And then raising enough money by training to attend St. John's and then graduating and training Crossfit full time.
That is what I want.
But of course, I'm still naive and don't know exactly what's best for me.
I'll just live through this hellish gymnastics period and become a great Olympian.
You can tell I'm depressed by my extreme sarcasm...
Lord, help me.
NOW
I am free.
The dreams about homeschooling and training CrossFit to raise enough money for St. John's are coming true. That is my life right now. Could I have ever imagined at that time that the Lord had these plans in mind for me? I thought I was joking about the impossible then. It was along the same lines as "I want to fly to the moon." Pshh yeah right. Quit gymnastics. Impossible.
In retrospect it was the hardest thing I ever did. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of it now, that I felt abandoned by the Lord himself. I hardly ever prayed back then, because I thought that the Lord wanted me in gymnastics. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hated it. Of course he knew, better than I, what my true future held. He planted this "ridiculous" thought in my head that I would go to St. John's and be paid for coaching. I didn't know then that the prospect of working for Burgener awaited me. I had no power then to bring into actualization these things my soul longed for. All I knew was that I felt powerless to live my life the way I wanted to live. I felt like I was in a prison, a cage that I had already fully explored. I wandered in the darkness and despaired at my powerlessness in bringing about my desire to fly.
There was a battle. The Lord went before me and behind me. I articulated my desire to fly to Yulia, and she put up quite a fight. She merely told me that I would never soar, that I would fall deeper into the darkness. What I did not understand was how one who could have mentored me and encouraged me, and been a mother figure to me turn against me and become my enemy. That broke my heart most of all, how I could not have a relationship with one whom I admired so much.
Since then
I've found community in church, and no longer feel "obligated" to go. I am simply nourished by it, and go because I love the people.
I still think about things too much, but it's mostly in joy.
I still think about gym sometimes, but it's mostly in the realization that the Lord was near to me all along, and had ordained it all for bringing glory to his name.
I hardly ever think about pain. If it is there I do not ignore it, because it is a message telling me that things are not right. I either need to rest my body, or come back to walk in the truth.
I have gotten into the great habit of eating enough (and taking my vitamins), something I was terrible at back then because my mind was so scattered. Interestingly, not eating enough eventually led to my injury, which in turn led to my retirement.
I feel GREAT about my future!
I find the greatest peace in writing prayers and the Word of God spoken to my heart.
Petrichor and chocolate still go great together!
God knows our hearts so much better than we do!!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Seattle City lights you burn my eyes
A night out on the town with Lynn to see the caroling contest and Seattle Christmas lights.
Giving thanks
I ate so much great food prepared by Bethany and Brianna, then drank two glasses of wine and went home to sleep. Apparently the party started when I left with several games of janga and the taking of shots.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
quarante deux
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Let's talk literal
I'm sitting listening to Coldplay pandora. It's making me very happy hearing all my favorite songs one after another. It's late and my sleep is kinda wacky because I slept all day. It feels like morning; I just ate paleo pancakes. I'm still sick, so I'll probably hit the sack after finishing this post.
I realize I haven't done a "day in the life" sort of post in a while. Talking about my superficial life comes less naturally than talking about love and the soul, but I still think it's important to slip one of these in every so often to help maintain my identity as a human being, and not just a virtual floater. I'll try to update more often.
I've been sick for the last few days, and needless to say, in a valley spiritually. But I'm hanging in there.
I've been generally alone and unable to find fellowship lately. Though they are few, I'm grateful for the people who are here for me, like Nate and Allison. It perks me up to see them a couple times a week when I'm at the gym in the evenings. I feel for the first time that I am hungry for more than I am capable of asking for, but still he urges me "ask, contend, knock, fight." I don't always understand. I'm so tired of fighting for it. I really just want to lie down and rest, receive, and drink. I'm so ready to see the Lord's hand work in this place, see people healed, their eyes opened, and walking in the light of truth. It helps to think back to those times when I was overwhelmed by his blessings and realized that all I ever really wanted was more of Him. The treat is really in His eyes, not His hands. I've been praying with Laurel pretty consistently and it is really nourishing. It keeps me going.
I've been reflecting on the year. It has been a wild ride since visiting Annapolis last December. Many desires have been satisfied, my heart has gone through an incredible transformation. Life is alive now more than ever. Prospects are shining. I can't wait for the future, but at the same time constantly relearning to embrace the moment... the simple pleasures. Life is what happens to us when we're making plans. Live live live where you are, Kalli. I often have to remind myself.
I think of when Ruskin talks about beauty of REPOSE. It comes from God's restful I AM, versus the constant striving and reaching "I shall become" of mortal beings. I must simply BE, and allow the great I AM to rest over me and run through me. That I think, is what it means to live in the moment.
My heart aches to be back on the east coast. I crave the small town community and brick streets and the feeling of being a Johnnie. I crave the fruits of the classics, discussing ideas, having peers who are passionate like me! I'm sending all my applications in during the next couple weeks (except Marlboro because there is another essay I'll need to put together). Harvard Marlboro Stanford Dartmouth Middlebury. All such different schools, with attractive qualities and not so attractive ones....
I'm still waiting for someone to convince me that one of these is much better for me than SJC. That'll be the day...
Tuesday we will be watching a French film in class (my vote is for Jeunet's City of Lost Children). My oral final is Thursday. The same day, Aimee and her man-friend Donald are arriving to visit for 2 weeks! I'm really excited to see them. Acacia and Daniel are coming too, but I don't know when they will be here. Acacia sounds super stoked to be almost done with her senior year. It's funny to see her in a place I can never imagine myself being in. I'm so eager to be at school, she's so eager to be done! It makes me smile. Daniel's almost done with Airborne. He jumped out a plane I heard. Ooooh I can't wait to snuggle when they visit. It's gonna be so goooood.
No matter what is going on the glory and love of my Father overshadows the circumstances. I feel nearer and more aware of His presence now than any other time in my life. He pours out his words into my heart till I cannot hold them any longer and they end up on here. It's a good outlet.
I'm listening to Aqualung sing
What a feeling in my soul, love runs brighter than sunshine...
Goodnight.
I realize I haven't done a "day in the life" sort of post in a while. Talking about my superficial life comes less naturally than talking about love and the soul, but I still think it's important to slip one of these in every so often to help maintain my identity as a human being, and not just a virtual floater. I'll try to update more often.
I've been sick for the last few days, and needless to say, in a valley spiritually. But I'm hanging in there.
I've been generally alone and unable to find fellowship lately. Though they are few, I'm grateful for the people who are here for me, like Nate and Allison. It perks me up to see them a couple times a week when I'm at the gym in the evenings. I feel for the first time that I am hungry for more than I am capable of asking for, but still he urges me "ask, contend, knock, fight." I don't always understand. I'm so tired of fighting for it. I really just want to lie down and rest, receive, and drink. I'm so ready to see the Lord's hand work in this place, see people healed, their eyes opened, and walking in the light of truth. It helps to think back to those times when I was overwhelmed by his blessings and realized that all I ever really wanted was more of Him. The treat is really in His eyes, not His hands. I've been praying with Laurel pretty consistently and it is really nourishing. It keeps me going.
I've been reflecting on the year. It has been a wild ride since visiting Annapolis last December. Many desires have been satisfied, my heart has gone through an incredible transformation. Life is alive now more than ever. Prospects are shining. I can't wait for the future, but at the same time constantly relearning to embrace the moment... the simple pleasures. Life is what happens to us when we're making plans. Live live live where you are, Kalli. I often have to remind myself.
I think of when Ruskin talks about beauty of REPOSE. It comes from God's restful I AM, versus the constant striving and reaching "I shall become" of mortal beings. I must simply BE, and allow the great I AM to rest over me and run through me. That I think, is what it means to live in the moment.
My heart aches to be back on the east coast. I crave the small town community and brick streets and the feeling of being a Johnnie. I crave the fruits of the classics, discussing ideas, having peers who are passionate like me! I'm sending all my applications in during the next couple weeks (except Marlboro because there is another essay I'll need to put together). Harvard Marlboro Stanford Dartmouth Middlebury. All such different schools, with attractive qualities and not so attractive ones....
I'm still waiting for someone to convince me that one of these is much better for me than SJC. That'll be the day...
Tuesday we will be watching a French film in class (my vote is for Jeunet's City of Lost Children). My oral final is Thursday. The same day, Aimee and her man-friend Donald are arriving to visit for 2 weeks! I'm really excited to see them. Acacia and Daniel are coming too, but I don't know when they will be here. Acacia sounds super stoked to be almost done with her senior year. It's funny to see her in a place I can never imagine myself being in. I'm so eager to be at school, she's so eager to be done! It makes me smile. Daniel's almost done with Airborne. He jumped out a plane I heard. Ooooh I can't wait to snuggle when they visit. It's gonna be so goooood.
No matter what is going on the glory and love of my Father overshadows the circumstances. I feel nearer and more aware of His presence now than any other time in my life. He pours out his words into my heart till I cannot hold them any longer and they end up on here. It's a good outlet.
I'm listening to Aqualung sing
What a feeling in my soul, love runs brighter than sunshine...
Goodnight.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Valley, Part 4: A Feast
"I want a crumb, but you are a FEAST.
I want a song, but you are a SYMPHONY.
I want a star, but you are a GALAXY.
I've resolved that I'm much better off
with what you have for me." -Bebo Norman
In the night I continued to walk through the sand and over rocks. I let my thoughts wander. In my imagination I began to touch, feel, and smell the feast which the Father was preparing on the table before me. Oh I was so hungry! I snapped to reality and found my feet treading in a lush field of moist grass. I looked up and saw the stars. I breathed in the beauty and lifted my hands. "Holy Spirit, rain your blessing down upon me. I know you want to. Let me know your love."
The night of feasting began with a call from a friend, "I'll pick you up at 3:30." It was Black Friday. Traffic was horrendous; she arrived at 4. We spent another 2 hours in the car maneuvering downtown to pick up Brielle, and finally found our ghetto cafe where we sat and enjoyed conversation over greasy food.
After food and a good measure of venting our woes to one another, I suggested we pray. I had told them of this desert and the night alone, and how hungry I was for the Love of God in form of fellowship. I also told them of the glorious revelation I had received that joy is found in the midst of all things! As we drove to a quiet place to park and pray in the car we joked about going to get after-dinner drinks at some bar. Alisha said "I could use a beer after talking like that..." I said, "You know what I'd really like? To get drunk on the Spirit..."
Little did I suspect that the Father chuckled to himself when I said this.
We prayed in the Spirit. Brielle prophesied over me and Alisha. I got really really really drunk. I spent the rest of the evening resting in the Love of the Father, in his silliness, as he spoke to me and played with me in my thoughts.
We three friends sat in Empire Cafe in Columbia city and laughed over tea. It was so great because Jesus was really demanding attention from the other people in the coffee shop. He would talk really loud, and I would say "Shhhh" and we would both crack up. I didn't care, obviously, because I was so happy. I laughed because it was contrary to my nature to demand so much attention. But I was shining so brightly and getting such funny images that I would literally laugh out loud and not care what heads turned.
Then there were the times I would just sit in silence and giggle to myself. I tried to heal the steam burn on Brielle's hand. I tried three times, and when nothing happened, I forgot what I was doing and just started playing with her fingers. As I wiggled her pretty fingers I sang "you are soooo beautiful." They were His fingers.
I got this hilarious picture of Love Casting Out Fear. LOVE was a giant monster of light going CHOMP CHOMP RUMP RUMP (nom nom nom) and FEAR was like AAAHHHH, running away on wimpy little legs. Haha, I laughed really hard at that one.
I was childlike, simple, and secure. I drank and drank and drank as He spoke to me and assured me that I had not been hoping in vain, that I would receive everything I desired and MORE. He told me that He wanted my heart most of all, because I was made by Him, His child, His creation, and all he wanted to do was sing songs of my beauty.
I rejoice over you with gladness,
I quiet you with my love,
I rejoice over you with singing.
There is more to this feast. That whole night I got the sense that this was only the beginning; it was only the appetizer.
Since that night I have had more of an awareness that He is surrounding me. There is more joy in ordinary things, and He is always in the same room with me if not sitting right next to me, looking over my shoulder as I write, in the gym as I coach, or smiling over people and showing me where to direct His love.
This first course whetted my hunger, and gave me strength to endure the night.
I want a song, but you are a SYMPHONY.
I want a star, but you are a GALAXY.
I've resolved that I'm much better off
with what you have for me." -Bebo Norman
In the night I continued to walk through the sand and over rocks. I let my thoughts wander. In my imagination I began to touch, feel, and smell the feast which the Father was preparing on the table before me. Oh I was so hungry! I snapped to reality and found my feet treading in a lush field of moist grass. I looked up and saw the stars. I breathed in the beauty and lifted my hands. "Holy Spirit, rain your blessing down upon me. I know you want to. Let me know your love."
The night of feasting began with a call from a friend, "I'll pick you up at 3:30." It was Black Friday. Traffic was horrendous; she arrived at 4. We spent another 2 hours in the car maneuvering downtown to pick up Brielle, and finally found our ghetto cafe where we sat and enjoyed conversation over greasy food.
After food and a good measure of venting our woes to one another, I suggested we pray. I had told them of this desert and the night alone, and how hungry I was for the Love of God in form of fellowship. I also told them of the glorious revelation I had received that joy is found in the midst of all things! As we drove to a quiet place to park and pray in the car we joked about going to get after-dinner drinks at some bar. Alisha said "I could use a beer after talking like that..." I said, "You know what I'd really like? To get drunk on the Spirit..."
Little did I suspect that the Father chuckled to himself when I said this.
We prayed in the Spirit. Brielle prophesied over me and Alisha. I got really really really drunk. I spent the rest of the evening resting in the Love of the Father, in his silliness, as he spoke to me and played with me in my thoughts.
We three friends sat in Empire Cafe in Columbia city and laughed over tea. It was so great because Jesus was really demanding attention from the other people in the coffee shop. He would talk really loud, and I would say "Shhhh" and we would both crack up. I didn't care, obviously, because I was so happy. I laughed because it was contrary to my nature to demand so much attention. But I was shining so brightly and getting such funny images that I would literally laugh out loud and not care what heads turned.
Then there were the times I would just sit in silence and giggle to myself. I tried to heal the steam burn on Brielle's hand. I tried three times, and when nothing happened, I forgot what I was doing and just started playing with her fingers. As I wiggled her pretty fingers I sang "you are soooo beautiful." They were His fingers.
I got this hilarious picture of Love Casting Out Fear. LOVE was a giant monster of light going CHOMP CHOMP RUMP RUMP (nom nom nom) and FEAR was like AAAHHHH, running away on wimpy little legs. Haha, I laughed really hard at that one.
I was childlike, simple, and secure. I drank and drank and drank as He spoke to me and assured me that I had not been hoping in vain, that I would receive everything I desired and MORE. He told me that He wanted my heart most of all, because I was made by Him, His child, His creation, and all he wanted to do was sing songs of my beauty.
I rejoice over you with gladness,
I quiet you with my love,
I rejoice over you with singing.
There is more to this feast. That whole night I got the sense that this was only the beginning; it was only the appetizer.
Since that night I have had more of an awareness that He is surrounding me. There is more joy in ordinary things, and He is always in the same room with me if not sitting right next to me, looking over my shoulder as I write, in the gym as I coach, or smiling over people and showing me where to direct His love.
This first course whetted my hunger, and gave me strength to endure the night.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
The Valley, Part 3: A Revelation
The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
There were songs, angels songs. They sang and rejoiced over me. I asked "Lord, why do they rejoice when I am suffering so?"He asked me back, "Why are you suffering child?" Then He answered himself, by reminding me with a glimpse of the young princess wearing royal colors and walking in the footsteps of Jesus.
Of course! I AM MEANT TO LIVE FOR SO MUCH MORE!
They are rejoicing because I have been counted worthy to share in the sufferings of Christ. Why! I am living this reality right now: I am walking in His footsteps, through the desert, into the darkness, among the demon possessed, to the cross!
In my life, My old self is taken to the cross again and again. I am closer, indeed I am there, to that reality of how I am seen by the Father in Heaven.
The perfect Bride,
Glorified.
Beautiful inside His eyes.
I consider that my present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in me.
So there is a reason to rejoice in my sufferings! Not only so, but I have the choice to rejoice. I am not bound by my circumstances, or the way things appear. Yes, I am in pain, but I am not obliged to give darkness a foothold. I give all power and glory to Christ. Because, you see, this pain is a hindrance... or more accurately, when I acknowledge and give darkness power by pitying myself, it is a hindrance.
"Beloved, this is not your inheritance.
Run the race. Rejoice. Dance.
I give you strength."
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
The Valley, Part 2: A Night Alone
Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me.
I awoke in the darkness, and felt a heaviness. The reality of my hunger and neediness for fellowship could not be ignored. I needed a hug and someone to tell me a truth, any truth. I needed to hear it from some other lips. I wanted to sing a hymn, and hear a voice other than mine. I wanted to love and receive something in return.
In my emptiness, I was frustrated because nothing satisfied me. There was nothing in my life that could fill this hunger for fellowship. I even felt alone at church. I did not connect with people my age because, well frankly, I was just at a different point in my life.
Even in the places that were supposed to be flowing with living water, I could not drink.
I was so hungry for someone to be intimate with, someone to call my own, my friend, mon ami, divine philia. I would die a million times over just to have a Jonathan.
I was ashamed of my neediness. Why was I ashamed? I thought that I SHOULD know how to be self-sustained, I SHOULD know how to live alone, learn alone, be alone and thrive. I was alone and was not thriving, so I was ashamed. But this was a lie.
I began to live in the truth that I indeed was hungry, and it was ok to be needy, to want someone who was full of living water to embrace me and tell me they loved me. I wanted a feast, but I would do anything for plain old bread and water. I saw plain old bread and water all around me, but could not reach it some how. I was frustrated and cried out
My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, “When will you comfort me?”
I think I died a thousand deaths in this time, waiting, surrendering, fainting, suffering. I did not understand it, but I never thought God was unkind. I knew he was the only friend I had, so why should I be angry with him? Why should I curse Him when he loved me with an everlasting love?
I was broken and starving.
Instead of cursing, I sang through my tears hoping He would hear "My God, I love you even while you slay me!"
And in reply, He said "Kalli, you are still most beautiful when you cry."
I smiled at this, in spite of the pain, in spite of the feeling that I was in pieces on the floor. Truly no one could put me back together. No one could restore my life, or make it better, but the one who held me in his hands and carried me as a lamb close to his heart. I turned my desires toward him. Somehow I received the strength to uplift my eyes to his face. I recognized a calmness and joy on it that seemed to say, "Yes, it is true, everything is right where I want it." I could tell He had been crying tears of empathy. He had known this same thing, before the cross, before he was forsaken even by the Father.
Another thing, the most amazing thing, that I recognized in His face was the assurance of the joys to come. He could see the feast. In fact he was preparing it just then. He laughed, He chuckled, He said "It's coming."
I awoke in the darkness, and felt a heaviness. The reality of my hunger and neediness for fellowship could not be ignored. I needed a hug and someone to tell me a truth, any truth. I needed to hear it from some other lips. I wanted to sing a hymn, and hear a voice other than mine. I wanted to love and receive something in return.
In my emptiness, I was frustrated because nothing satisfied me. There was nothing in my life that could fill this hunger for fellowship. I even felt alone at church. I did not connect with people my age because, well frankly, I was just at a different point in my life.
Even in the places that were supposed to be flowing with living water, I could not drink.
I was so hungry for someone to be intimate with, someone to call my own, my friend, mon ami, divine philia. I would die a million times over just to have a Jonathan.
I was ashamed of my neediness. Why was I ashamed? I thought that I SHOULD know how to be self-sustained, I SHOULD know how to live alone, learn alone, be alone and thrive. I was alone and was not thriving, so I was ashamed. But this was a lie.
I began to live in the truth that I indeed was hungry, and it was ok to be needy, to want someone who was full of living water to embrace me and tell me they loved me. I wanted a feast, but I would do anything for plain old bread and water. I saw plain old bread and water all around me, but could not reach it some how. I was frustrated and cried out
My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, “When will you comfort me?”
I think I died a thousand deaths in this time, waiting, surrendering, fainting, suffering. I did not understand it, but I never thought God was unkind. I knew he was the only friend I had, so why should I be angry with him? Why should I curse Him when he loved me with an everlasting love?
I was broken and starving.
Instead of cursing, I sang through my tears hoping He would hear "My God, I love you even while you slay me!"
And in reply, He said "Kalli, you are still most beautiful when you cry."
I smiled at this, in spite of the pain, in spite of the feeling that I was in pieces on the floor. Truly no one could put me back together. No one could restore my life, or make it better, but the one who held me in his hands and carried me as a lamb close to his heart. I turned my desires toward him. Somehow I received the strength to uplift my eyes to his face. I recognized a calmness and joy on it that seemed to say, "Yes, it is true, everything is right where I want it." I could tell He had been crying tears of empathy. He had known this same thing, before the cross, before he was forsaken even by the Father.
Another thing, the most amazing thing, that I recognized in His face was the assurance of the joys to come. He could see the feast. In fact he was preparing it just then. He laughed, He chuckled, He said "It's coming."
Monday, December 06, 2010
The Valley, Part 1: A Desert
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness....
I was led in hope, in joy at what I had just beheld upon the mountain.
The word of God had spoken and told me that what I desired--this noble thing--was indeed on His heart. He had shown me a glimpse of this child, this girl, magnificently clothed in royal colors and walking a road in the footsteps of Christ as a co-heir to this glorious inheritance.
I am going to St. John's next year. He wants to satisfy this desire to me in abundance.
As one looks forward in great anticipation to the fulfillment of their inheritance, I longed to receive this blessing. I was filled with the greatest nostalgia and weariness at its distance. You see, what I desire from this is the fellowship and fullness that is offered there. It is my promised land, so to speak, flowing with milk and honey.
To understand the depths of this longing, you must first understand the nature of the desert I had found myself in the midst of. Like most deserts it was dry, and as I wandered I grew more and more thirsty. It was lacking. In my desert, no food fell from heaven or living water flowed from the rock.
It seemed that the Lord had pushed all people out of my life when I needed them most. Also my eyes opened to the fact that I was a wanderer on enemy territory, and the Lord never intended for any landscape in all the earth--desert, valley, mountain, hill--to be possessed with any sort of darkness. This is the nature of a world ruled by a prince whose only motive is to steal, kill and destroy. Wandering in my colors of another kingdom, I saw despair, weeping and oppression all around me.
All I wanted was to drink the joy of my inheritance.
"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them."
In the midst of it all He was near. Sometimes I wasn't aware of it, but He was always SO very close. His truth was written upon my heart.
He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.
Eventually the Spirit led me to a place where I could lie down and rest. I was still hungry, thirsty, and weary, but I rested in the truth of his promises and that he was near. In this rest, which I found in the words of Isaiah, he spoke to my heart:
"I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
In little ways he encouraged me. When I fainted, his angels attended to me. He gave me THIS.
I was led in hope, in joy at what I had just beheld upon the mountain.
The word of God had spoken and told me that what I desired--this noble thing--was indeed on His heart. He had shown me a glimpse of this child, this girl, magnificently clothed in royal colors and walking a road in the footsteps of Christ as a co-heir to this glorious inheritance.
I am going to St. John's next year. He wants to satisfy this desire to me in abundance.
As one looks forward in great anticipation to the fulfillment of their inheritance, I longed to receive this blessing. I was filled with the greatest nostalgia and weariness at its distance. You see, what I desire from this is the fellowship and fullness that is offered there. It is my promised land, so to speak, flowing with milk and honey.
To understand the depths of this longing, you must first understand the nature of the desert I had found myself in the midst of. Like most deserts it was dry, and as I wandered I grew more and more thirsty. It was lacking. In my desert, no food fell from heaven or living water flowed from the rock.
It seemed that the Lord had pushed all people out of my life when I needed them most. Also my eyes opened to the fact that I was a wanderer on enemy territory, and the Lord never intended for any landscape in all the earth--desert, valley, mountain, hill--to be possessed with any sort of darkness. This is the nature of a world ruled by a prince whose only motive is to steal, kill and destroy. Wandering in my colors of another kingdom, I saw despair, weeping and oppression all around me.
All I wanted was to drink the joy of my inheritance.
"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them."
In the midst of it all He was near. Sometimes I wasn't aware of it, but He was always SO very close. His truth was written upon my heart.
He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.
Eventually the Spirit led me to a place where I could lie down and rest. I was still hungry, thirsty, and weary, but I rested in the truth of his promises and that he was near. In this rest, which I found in the words of Isaiah, he spoke to my heart:
"I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
In little ways he encouraged me. When I fainted, his angels attended to me. He gave me THIS.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
the colors of the morning are inside your eyes
You're Beautiful
I sing with the sunrise as I did when I was a child. "It's a beautiful day!" In the new day he has awakened my ear to listen like a child being taught the ways of heaven. I listen intently like a child so hungry for love.
The sun rises after a long night of weeping and struggling to find joy in tears. During the night watch I was running on dry, striving for any inkling of living water I could find. My neediness I was ashamed of, but yes, "Blessed are the poor in spirit...."
I have begun to read the Beatitudes like this:
Blessed are those whose kingdom is heaven
Blessed are those who are comforted
...etc.
Of course to get here, one must be poor in spirit, mourning, meek, hungry, ...etc.
Indeed, all noble things come with difficulty.
I have learned much more than I could write in just one blog post. But just wanted to say that the sun has risen and the Lord is faithful.
I came through with a fuller joy for life, a deeper neediness for God
And so utterly in Love with Him I cannot keep myself from dancing with these songs.
I sing with the sunrise as I did when I was a child. "It's a beautiful day!" In the new day he has awakened my ear to listen like a child being taught the ways of heaven. I listen intently like a child so hungry for love.
The sun rises after a long night of weeping and struggling to find joy in tears. During the night watch I was running on dry, striving for any inkling of living water I could find. My neediness I was ashamed of, but yes, "Blessed are the poor in spirit...."
I have begun to read the Beatitudes like this:
Blessed are those whose kingdom is heaven
Blessed are those who are comforted
...etc.
Of course to get here, one must be poor in spirit, mourning, meek, hungry, ...etc.
Indeed, all noble things come with difficulty.
I have learned much more than I could write in just one blog post. But just wanted to say that the sun has risen and the Lord is faithful.
I came through with a fuller joy for life, a deeper neediness for God
And so utterly in Love with Him I cannot keep myself from dancing with these songs.
essayezz!
While writing essays, I have been learning a lot about the way my mind works. I wrote about beauty for my St. John's idea prompt. Laurel said I wrote nearly 25 papers in one. In my mind I only skimmed the surface of my thoughts, but they were well organized and understandable, I think. It was just that there was so so much more to it, So much more in it that affected me. The underlying reasons I wrote about beauty were not entirely apparent.
I strive to see things whole. Ideas are intertwined and connected in my mind. Nothing stands alone. When I see and understand the idea I connect it and compare it easily with truth. Because of this, learning is a glorious thing. It's like putting together a puzzle in my mind, coming closer and closer to comprehending the mind of God.
if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God. Proverbs2:3-5
I sometimes feel like I get a little taste of the complexity of God's mind. It makes it awfully difficult to write papers, because I can't just write about one thing.
Right now, I'm writing a brief blurb on the workings of my mind. But believe me, in this post there are so many other things that I could say about it. And if I tried to lay them out, this would become convoluted and no longer about the workings of my mind.
It would be about knowledge as treasure, understand the fear of the Lord, the life found in learning, what it really means to CALL out for insight....
I'll just stop there.
Perhaps you get the idea.
Laurel works similarly. She helped me understand how to use it, instead of resisting it.
I'll be using the SJC "25 papers in one" to develop a couple other college essays. This is a relief because I seem to be able to think of nothing but beauty these days.
I strive to see things whole. Ideas are intertwined and connected in my mind. Nothing stands alone. When I see and understand the idea I connect it and compare it easily with truth. Because of this, learning is a glorious thing. It's like putting together a puzzle in my mind, coming closer and closer to comprehending the mind of God.
if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God. Proverbs2:3-5
I sometimes feel like I get a little taste of the complexity of God's mind. It makes it awfully difficult to write papers, because I can't just write about one thing.
Right now, I'm writing a brief blurb on the workings of my mind. But believe me, in this post there are so many other things that I could say about it. And if I tried to lay them out, this would become convoluted and no longer about the workings of my mind.
It would be about knowledge as treasure, understand the fear of the Lord, the life found in learning, what it really means to CALL out for insight....
I'll just stop there.
Perhaps you get the idea.
Laurel works similarly. She helped me understand how to use it, instead of resisting it.
I'll be using the SJC "25 papers in one" to develop a couple other college essays. This is a relief because I seem to be able to think of nothing but beauty these days.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
"You prepare a table before me"
Dear God,
You have an amazing sense of irony.
It's definitely not a random coincedence that the time my soul is most famished is the time I can think of nothing but food.
Oh feast feast feast.
Come soon soon soon.
I will be ever grateful.
I thank you for what is already finished.
Love,
Your little flower, who is beautiful even when she cries.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Keep your eyes on Him
Keep those big open curiously awed eyes right on Him.
so eventually...
maybe one day....
...people will wonder what in the world you are looking at!
and possibly realize that it isn't in this world at all.
so eventually...
maybe one day....
...people will wonder what in the world you are looking at!
and possibly realize that it isn't in this world at all.
Friday, November 19, 2010
The voice of the prophets.
"I am very jealous for Zion; I am burning with jealousy for her."
God is...
Fire. Blazing Hot consuming fire.
His love is of a jealous kind.
"I love you so much, I will consume everything that stands between us."
"For the Israelites will live many days without king or prince, without sacrifice or sacred stones, without ephod or household gods. Afterward the Israelites will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king. They will come trembling to the LORD and to his blessings..." Hosea3:4-5
"You will say 'How I need you God! You have taken everything that I have held dear to me. You took my identity, my life, my all. Every king and idol I worshiped. You took the fruit of my labor, so that there is nothing I can take pride in.'
"Then you will run to me and say that what you have with me is better. Then I will bless you."
The fierce anger of the LORD will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart. In days to come you will understand this. Jeremiah30:24
I am angry because you are afflicted. I am broken hearted because you are oppressed. I have had enough.
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion." Isaiah30:18
"I want to love you, my bride!"
"How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you." Isaiah30:19
God is...
Fire. Blazing Hot consuming fire.
His love is of a jealous kind.
"I love you so much, I will consume everything that stands between us."
"For the Israelites will live many days without king or prince, without sacrifice or sacred stones, without ephod or household gods. Afterward the Israelites will return and seek the LORD their God and David their king. They will come trembling to the LORD and to his blessings..." Hosea3:4-5
"You will say 'How I need you God! You have taken everything that I have held dear to me. You took my identity, my life, my all. Every king and idol I worshiped. You took the fruit of my labor, so that there is nothing I can take pride in.'
"Then you will run to me and say that what you have with me is better. Then I will bless you."
The fierce anger of the LORD will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart. In days to come you will understand this. Jeremiah30:24
I am angry because you are afflicted. I am broken hearted because you are oppressed. I have had enough.
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion." Isaiah30:18
"I want to love you, my bride!"
"How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you." Isaiah30:19
Tenth Avenue North.
I've been letting go of a lot, and feeling his closeness like never before. Also beginning to live in the reality that he is really everything I need.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
How many times have you read this verse and thought of it as a chore?
I have. Too many times.
I'm beginning to see it differently know, which is evidence of the love of God being made real in my life.
God's personality shines in this. His love that is unconditional. His desire to just give and give and give and give.
First of all, He gave Himself. Then He gave His Spirit. He gives his truth to all who seek it. He tells us that we are Created to ADORE our creator and then He says
that if we accept his GIFT, He will GIVE us MORE!
What it does not say:
Unless I delight in him I won't receive the desires of my heart. That's how I've read it for so long.
But now I think of it like a double bonus:
I GET to delight in him
AND
RECEIVE everything I desire.
Haha, it kinda makes me high on life.
How many times have you read this verse and thought of it as a chore?
I have. Too many times.
I'm beginning to see it differently know, which is evidence of the love of God being made real in my life.
God's personality shines in this. His love that is unconditional. His desire to just give and give and give and give.
First of all, He gave Himself. Then He gave His Spirit. He gives his truth to all who seek it. He tells us that we are Created to ADORE our creator and then He says
that if we accept his GIFT, He will GIVE us MORE!
What it does not say:
Unless I delight in him I won't receive the desires of my heart. That's how I've read it for so long.
But now I think of it like a double bonus:
I GET to delight in him
AND
RECEIVE everything I desire.
Haha, it kinda makes me high on life.
pre-requisites for being a coach include having people skills, having a general idea of human movement, and knowing how to rap.
Some funny moments in the gym
During stretching today, one of the SWAT guys whom I train asked me if I could rap.
Naturally I replied no.
A little dismayed, he began to tell me about the rope burn on his hand and how he had to do rappelling in team training tomorrow.
I was a little confused about what that had to do with me knowing how to rap.
But.... oooooohhh! Yes I can wrap.
Right.
Lucinda, Justin Lappe, Brianna and several others were lingering after their workout one day, wondering where they should go to lunch. They were considering the yellow Georgetown falafel truck, which has a very meat-y shawarma.
"How many blocks is that." asked Lappe.
To which Brianna replied, "Oh, it's only a couple blocks away."
During stretching today, one of the SWAT guys whom I train asked me if I could rap.
Naturally I replied no.
A little dismayed, he began to tell me about the rope burn on his hand and how he had to do rappelling in team training tomorrow.
I was a little confused about what that had to do with me knowing how to rap.
But.... oooooohhh! Yes I can wrap.
Right.
Lucinda, Justin Lappe, Brianna and several others were lingering after their workout one day, wondering where they should go to lunch. They were considering the yellow Georgetown falafel truck, which has a very meat-y shawarma.
"How many blocks is that." asked Lappe.
To which Brianna replied, "Oh, it's only a couple blocks away."
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
warm
So strange are the little secret blessings that God pours out to us through random people.
Monday morning was a great start to the week.
I woke up around six for breakfast and papa took me to the chiropractor on the Eastside. I rode the bus back.
Whatever the reason, this state of loneliness I find myself in is at it's depth. In spite of it I'm able to rejoice. The Lord knows this struggle of mine and encourages me with little things to continue to be deliberate in my rejoicing.
I slept on the bus. It was still quite early as I made my way back. The bus had it's heater on which invited sleep. As I leaned my head against the window and dozed off I pictured my sisters in Maryland. I wallowed a little in my longing to be there with them, lifting my appeal to the Holy Spirit.
As I did this a rush of passengers boarded the bus and one took their place in the empty seat next to me. I was half asleep and lost in my prayers but I knew they sat down because I felt their warmth.
And what a warmth! She sat closer than any other stranger would, and pressed her shoulder into mine. Most people, when they have to sit next to someone on the bus, will sit on the opposite edge of the seat as to avoid any physical contact whatsoever.
She didn't seem to mind, and I didn't protest.
This was near the beginning of our journey back to Seattle which lasted nearly a half hour on the freeway. I melted a little bit, lost in the memories of being really little and fitting right in Laurel's arms, even the time we snuggled for a half hour before I had to leave Maryland last December. The times I would sit in Papa's lap every night as he worked on his computer.
And this warmth of this shoulder next to mine increased. I knew it wasn't just physical warmth, but a divine touch. Something really really special. I didn't think it through at the time.
The stops became more frequent as we arrived in downtown Seattle. I jolted my eyes open. After looking around to see how far from the bus tunnel we were where I would make a transfer to the next leg of my journey, I glanced at the young lady next to me. 20-some years, dirty blond hair, dressed professionally--like someone just out of college. In her hand she held a handwritten notebook which she was reading out of. She was deep in her reflections and I couldn't help but glance onto the page she was reading.
Matthew 8:17
This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:
“He took up our infirmities
and bore our diseases.”
I saw the word believe.
It was then I realized that she was my angel of comfort.
I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn't think of anything before we arrived at her stop. She took up her stuff and left.
Since then I've remembered what Oswald Chambers said about the rivers of living water that flow through believers:
"If you believe in Jesus, you will find that God has nourished in you mighty torrents of blessing for others."
God Bless her.
Monday morning was a great start to the week.
I woke up around six for breakfast and papa took me to the chiropractor on the Eastside. I rode the bus back.
Whatever the reason, this state of loneliness I find myself in is at it's depth. In spite of it I'm able to rejoice. The Lord knows this struggle of mine and encourages me with little things to continue to be deliberate in my rejoicing.
I slept on the bus. It was still quite early as I made my way back. The bus had it's heater on which invited sleep. As I leaned my head against the window and dozed off I pictured my sisters in Maryland. I wallowed a little in my longing to be there with them, lifting my appeal to the Holy Spirit.
As I did this a rush of passengers boarded the bus and one took their place in the empty seat next to me. I was half asleep and lost in my prayers but I knew they sat down because I felt their warmth.
And what a warmth! She sat closer than any other stranger would, and pressed her shoulder into mine. Most people, when they have to sit next to someone on the bus, will sit on the opposite edge of the seat as to avoid any physical contact whatsoever.
She didn't seem to mind, and I didn't protest.
This was near the beginning of our journey back to Seattle which lasted nearly a half hour on the freeway. I melted a little bit, lost in the memories of being really little and fitting right in Laurel's arms, even the time we snuggled for a half hour before I had to leave Maryland last December. The times I would sit in Papa's lap every night as he worked on his computer.
And this warmth of this shoulder next to mine increased. I knew it wasn't just physical warmth, but a divine touch. Something really really special. I didn't think it through at the time.
The stops became more frequent as we arrived in downtown Seattle. I jolted my eyes open. After looking around to see how far from the bus tunnel we were where I would make a transfer to the next leg of my journey, I glanced at the young lady next to me. 20-some years, dirty blond hair, dressed professionally--like someone just out of college. In her hand she held a handwritten notebook which she was reading out of. She was deep in her reflections and I couldn't help but glance onto the page she was reading.
Matthew 8:17
This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:
“He took up our infirmities
and bore our diseases.”
I saw the word believe.
It was then I realized that she was my angel of comfort.
I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn't think of anything before we arrived at her stop. She took up her stuff and left.
Since then I've remembered what Oswald Chambers said about the rivers of living water that flow through believers:
"If you believe in Jesus, you will find that God has nourished in you mighty torrents of blessing for others."
God Bless her.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
colleeeeeege
I'm taking the SAT today.
And. OMyGoodness.
I have so many essays to write. More than I originally thought.
YIPPEE for November!
And. OMyGoodness.
I have so many essays to write. More than I originally thought.
YIPPEE for November!
Friday, November 05, 2010
I like mornings best.
His mercies are renewed, and the day is full.
I yield my spirit to my one true love and pray my first prayer
I pray that I may see what truly is.
I'm reminded that what is seen by him is what truly is.
Imagine if we could see as he does--human beings
In all their beauty and grace.
It would be indescribably glorious.
Imagine if we could live our lives
In this kind of relationship with each other
Where we love as he does.
Fully enraptured by the beauty of the bride.
Sometimes I don't understand why we try
To determine what is possible based on
Where people are, and how they are hurt
Instead of keeping our eyes on where we want to go.
I'm realizing that sometimes it is necessary
To have faith in others, even when they don't
Have faith in themselves...
Simply because God does.
His mercies are renewed, and the day is full.
I yield my spirit to my one true love and pray my first prayer
I pray that I may see what truly is.
I'm reminded that what is seen by him is what truly is.
Imagine if we could see as he does--human beings
In all their beauty and grace.
It would be indescribably glorious.
Imagine if we could live our lives
In this kind of relationship with each other
Where we love as he does.
Fully enraptured by the beauty of the bride.
Sometimes I don't understand why we try
To determine what is possible based on
Where people are, and how they are hurt
Instead of keeping our eyes on where we want to go.
I'm realizing that sometimes it is necessary
To have faith in others, even when they don't
Have faith in themselves...
Simply because God does.
flood
The gym is thriving.
I give God all the glory for this one.
October and November were the first months we could pay rent on our revenue alone.
I was praying all September for clients. Daniel was praying. Naptown was praying.
A little over a month ago as I was praying, I heard an inner voice that was not my own. "Brace yourself.... Prepare yourself." it said, "I'm opening heaven."
The blessing is heavy. We have now added three more hours during the week to spread out our overflowing morning classes. That means I'm in the gym from 8am to 1pm not including working out. Bethany helps so that I can get my workout in, but she is feeling the weight of the blessing with equal burden.
I surrender this Isaac daily, knowing that God is giving more than I can bear because he WANTS to bear it along side me. I am so grateful, and feeling his peace in spite of all things.
We're paddling along, riding the turbulence with joy and thanksgiving. Papa's really happy.
I give God all the glory for this one.
October and November were the first months we could pay rent on our revenue alone.
I was praying all September for clients. Daniel was praying. Naptown was praying.
A little over a month ago as I was praying, I heard an inner voice that was not my own. "Brace yourself.... Prepare yourself." it said, "I'm opening heaven."
The blessing is heavy. We have now added three more hours during the week to spread out our overflowing morning classes. That means I'm in the gym from 8am to 1pm not including working out. Bethany helps so that I can get my workout in, but she is feeling the weight of the blessing with equal burden.
I surrender this Isaac daily, knowing that God is giving more than I can bear because he WANTS to bear it along side me. I am so grateful, and feeling his peace in spite of all things.
We're paddling along, riding the turbulence with joy and thanksgiving. Papa's really happy.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
what truly is
From my favorite depiction of the Divine Romance.
Says Jesus to the angels, after he reveals to them a glimpse of his Bride.
"What you have seen... that girl... perfect... radiating the full riches of my life... and a whole creation destroyed on the cross... that is what I always see. No mortal eyes shall behold these things until that day. Nor is it necessary that they behold, for these things you have seen are matters bound neither by time nor eternity. It is not necessary that they behold these things, nor experience them, nor even believe them.
"These are matters that are. They have been established. Nothing can change that. It is only what I see with my eyes, and the things I know, because I have visited all ages from beginning to end. Only these things are of any import... and only these things are truly real.
"I know what truly is.
"Yet, one day, she shall see. She shall see herself as I see her... as she truly is. And blessed are those who, having not seen, believe."
Says Jesus to the angels, after he reveals to them a glimpse of his Bride.
"What you have seen... that girl... perfect... radiating the full riches of my life... and a whole creation destroyed on the cross... that is what I always see. No mortal eyes shall behold these things until that day. Nor is it necessary that they behold, for these things you have seen are matters bound neither by time nor eternity. It is not necessary that they behold these things, nor experience them, nor even believe them.
"These are matters that are. They have been established. Nothing can change that. It is only what I see with my eyes, and the things I know, because I have visited all ages from beginning to end. Only these things are of any import... and only these things are truly real.
"I know what truly is.
"Yet, one day, she shall see. She shall see herself as I see her... as she truly is. And blessed are those who, having not seen, believe."
Monday, November 01, 2010
warfare
"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John8:44
We must remember. As my pastor says, "This is not a playground. This is a battleground!"
I have often forgotten that life is hard. Haha. This sounds strange, but seriously. I have lived in the blessings of the Lord in my childhood, and grown in truth. So one can imagine... when I am faced with darkness I don't always know exactly what to do. I remember when I visited San Francisco last summer, I was so overwhelmed by the spiritual oppression there. I sensed it, and grieved. It made the experience terrible for me, a child of the light. My heart broke for that city and its people. This is why I hated venturing into downtown Seattle in the first years of living here. It was so incredibly difficult to see beauty and it broke my heart.
Thanks to the grace of God, I have learned to deal with this. The implantation of truth into my life has done a great deal of good to the way I view the world. The fact is that it is oppressed and the Lord Himself never intended it to be. The Good News is that the work is done in Christ and all who call on the name of Lord will be saved. His children are set apart as light in the darkness. The salt of the earth to bring out the flavor of goodness.
The motive of the prince of the world is to use the power of lies to sway the Lord's people further from the Way. He does this by challenging the authority the Lord has.
After Jesus was baptized and the Father opened the heavens to declare "This is my Son!" Jesus was led to the desert to be tested. The first words that came from the mouth of Satan were "If you are the Son of God..."
The Liar will do this in our lives as well. Does God really love you? Does he really care?
The truth is powerful. And "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth." If our goal is to imitate this Love, we must also rejoice in the truth. When we do this, though we may not be aware, we are engaging in the greatest fare of war.
The worshipers went at the front of the army as God's people marched to war.
At church this last Sunday they held a service devoted to the testimonies of cancer survivors. The last testimony was given by Freddy, one of the oldest members of the church. He survived having a cancerous tumor removed from his brain stem. Unfortunately because it was so wound up in the nerves, there are remnants of sick tissue in his brain. What is shocking about this man and truly was encapsulated by his message, was that he lives as though unaffected by tragedy. A little more about Freddy, he is old and walks with a cane. He often needs help getting around. But I have never heard him speak without making his audience laugh. He is a joyful entertainer.
I was deeply affected by his message. The bottom line was "SO WHAT!?" So what that I'm told I have cancer? I'm gonna go on living my life as it's supposed to be lived. So what I've been clothed with shame by my peers? So what that I am told that I will never walk again? I'm gonna rejoice. I'm gonna be joyful. And LIVE.
I am going to throw off the sin in the Name of Jesus and be clothed in the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Romans12:1
It is a battle, no doubt. It is not easy.
The challenge, I think, is to see ourselves as God intends us to be and begin to live our lives by rejoicing in this truth. Show the father of lies that you aren't going to be affected by him, and he will flee.
The truth is that we are given the power to overcome by the name of Jesus. The devil is a liar, and all his schemes are lies. By discerning truth, declaring truth, and rejoicing in truth we will overcome.
The revelation is this:
We are not condemned, no matter how we feel.
We are saints, no matter what we are told.
There is no power in heaven or on earth that can separate us from the love of Christ.
No matter how far away the Lord feels, He is near.
In spite of how we feel, we always have the ability to REJOICE.
That is something the devil can never take away from you.
"You heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians4:21-24
Thank you, Laurel, for speaking this truth into my life.
We must remember. As my pastor says, "This is not a playground. This is a battleground!"
I have often forgotten that life is hard. Haha. This sounds strange, but seriously. I have lived in the blessings of the Lord in my childhood, and grown in truth. So one can imagine... when I am faced with darkness I don't always know exactly what to do. I remember when I visited San Francisco last summer, I was so overwhelmed by the spiritual oppression there. I sensed it, and grieved. It made the experience terrible for me, a child of the light. My heart broke for that city and its people. This is why I hated venturing into downtown Seattle in the first years of living here. It was so incredibly difficult to see beauty and it broke my heart.
Thanks to the grace of God, I have learned to deal with this. The implantation of truth into my life has done a great deal of good to the way I view the world. The fact is that it is oppressed and the Lord Himself never intended it to be. The Good News is that the work is done in Christ and all who call on the name of Lord will be saved. His children are set apart as light in the darkness. The salt of the earth to bring out the flavor of goodness.
The motive of the prince of the world is to use the power of lies to sway the Lord's people further from the Way. He does this by challenging the authority the Lord has.
After Jesus was baptized and the Father opened the heavens to declare "This is my Son!" Jesus was led to the desert to be tested. The first words that came from the mouth of Satan were "If you are the Son of God..."
The Liar will do this in our lives as well. Does God really love you? Does he really care?
The truth is powerful. And "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth." If our goal is to imitate this Love, we must also rejoice in the truth. When we do this, though we may not be aware, we are engaging in the greatest fare of war.
The worshipers went at the front of the army as God's people marched to war.
At church this last Sunday they held a service devoted to the testimonies of cancer survivors. The last testimony was given by Freddy, one of the oldest members of the church. He survived having a cancerous tumor removed from his brain stem. Unfortunately because it was so wound up in the nerves, there are remnants of sick tissue in his brain. What is shocking about this man and truly was encapsulated by his message, was that he lives as though unaffected by tragedy. A little more about Freddy, he is old and walks with a cane. He often needs help getting around. But I have never heard him speak without making his audience laugh. He is a joyful entertainer.
I was deeply affected by his message. The bottom line was "SO WHAT!?" So what that I'm told I have cancer? I'm gonna go on living my life as it's supposed to be lived. So what I've been clothed with shame by my peers? So what that I am told that I will never walk again? I'm gonna rejoice. I'm gonna be joyful. And LIVE.
I am going to throw off the sin in the Name of Jesus and be clothed in the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Romans12:1
It is a battle, no doubt. It is not easy.
The challenge, I think, is to see ourselves as God intends us to be and begin to live our lives by rejoicing in this truth. Show the father of lies that you aren't going to be affected by him, and he will flee.
The truth is that we are given the power to overcome by the name of Jesus. The devil is a liar, and all his schemes are lies. By discerning truth, declaring truth, and rejoicing in truth we will overcome.
The revelation is this:
We are not condemned, no matter how we feel.
We are saints, no matter what we are told.
There is no power in heaven or on earth that can separate us from the love of Christ.
No matter how far away the Lord feels, He is near.
In spite of how we feel, we always have the ability to REJOICE.
That is something the devil can never take away from you.
"You heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians4:21-24
Thank you, Laurel, for speaking this truth into my life.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Comfort, comfort my people.
Walking home from early CrossFit class this morning I was struck hard and deeply with the cool Fall air. It nipped at my chin and reminded me of this year past.
sigh... Fall.
It is synonymous with freedom,
a bird's wings,
new things.
I'm reading Isaiah.
"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not give my glory to another
or my praise to idols.
sigh... Fall.
It is synonymous with freedom,
a bird's wings,
new things.
I'm reading Isaiah.
"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not give my glory to another
or my praise to idols.
See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."
This was in essence what the Lord told me a year ago, as I watched in panic as my gymnastics career crumbled to the ground. In remembering, I realize that God was just as tired of the ways it was oppressing me as I was. I will liberate you! he cried.
I'm still healing from the relationships, but i daily thank God for the freedom. I still have dreams of going back. I wrote Yulia a letter telling her that I forgive her. That was liberating. In spite of the pain, I rejoice in the new ways I have soared since then. I've learned to ask deeper questions about the world, blossomed as a coach, found identity in my Maker and Savior, made friends, found a church where I am mostly nourished.
Interestingly, these words in Isaiah speak to me again. I hunger to be fed, and look to the future hoping for new things.
I hunger for St. John's and the Annapolis church with a deep painful piercing nostalgia. A passion so deep, I cannot even say. I wonder if I sit in my world and look at that distant land as the crystal merchant in The Alchemist looked at Mecca. He settled for the dream, because he was assured it was better. But I know that I will pursue the real thing.
Everything about that place tells my heart that I belong there, that I will live there, and be part of the church, and utilize my gifts, and learn of love in a deeper way. The church is constantly on my heart. I pray and ask What's going on there? I am already a part of it.
Why does my spirit reach out to Annapolis, Lord? I ask. I miss my sisters and Stefan, and the college I know is where I want to go, but there is more. I don't want to expect, but I am convinced there is so much more.
Several times I have let go and told myself I am going to get into Harvard. But every time that desire doesn't stay long.
I have come to peace about it because I realize how dry and desolate this place is and how utterly thirsty I am.
Again, the Lord speaks.
"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I want a place and people who speak over me in love and uplift me. I want a place and people who have the wisdom to utilize my spiritual gifts. I also need more than anything to be physically embraced and snuggled. This, it seems, is the deepest need of all.
For now, I remain. My life is good and the blessings are numerous even though the fellowship I have here is limited. I make the best of it always. Even though I search for water and there is none I know the Lord is making water spring in the driest places. I know he knows my needs better than I do.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Madame Lonay
My French professor. I don't even know her well yet and she's stolen my heart.
Talking about numbers, être, and avoir to emphasize the importance that we commit them to memory:
"They are not going to go away. They are going to keep growing and growing-- like moss."
As she makes a graceful and dramatic motion with her hands of a water plant growing across a rock that lies in a fairy-land stream in the middle of my imagination.
She has a romantic way of explaining things, and a way of teaching that resonates so deeply with me. The lessons always makes me think... but not just about grammar and etymology. She is definitely the kind of person who says just one thing and it leads you on a train of thought that takes you to a philosophical dream-world or something.... I don't know if my peers can attest likewise... it might be just me.... or that we're speaking French. I heard the language has that effect on people.
I think when I asked God for a good teacher, he knew... and fulfilled it better than I could've asked.
I haven't had many teachers in my life, but she is--by far-- my favorite.
Talking about numbers, être, and avoir to emphasize the importance that we commit them to memory:
"They are not going to go away. They are going to keep growing and growing-- like moss."
As she makes a graceful and dramatic motion with her hands of a water plant growing across a rock that lies in a fairy-land stream in the middle of my imagination.
She has a romantic way of explaining things, and a way of teaching that resonates so deeply with me. The lessons always makes me think... but not just about grammar and etymology. She is definitely the kind of person who says just one thing and it leads you on a train of thought that takes you to a philosophical dream-world or something.... I don't know if my peers can attest likewise... it might be just me.... or that we're speaking French. I heard the language has that effect on people.
I think when I asked God for a good teacher, he knew... and fulfilled it better than I could've asked.
I haven't had many teachers in my life, but she is--by far-- my favorite.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
perfect peace
You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
Isaiah26:3
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
Isaiah26:3
Thursday, October 21, 2010
divided
I'm drinking coffee out of my St. John's College mug and being very nostalgic.
Seriously considering dropping my life and hitch hiking to Maryland.
There might be something wrong with me by the amount that I miss that place.
Haha.
God's whispering in my ear right now.
"REMAIN"
"Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name."
Psalm 86:11
Monday, October 18, 2010
The art of moving
I rowed out on Lake Union this evening for the first time. Clear sky. Bright moon. Seattle city lights.
It was pretty spectacular.
Also pretty much kicked ass at my meet this last weekend. Qualified for the American Open.
"It's a great art, is moving
It's the finest art there is.
It's a symphony of motion.
And when you're moving well
Why it's nearing perfection.
And when you reach perfection
You're touching the divine.
It touches the you of you's
Which is your soul."
(A quote adopted and adapted from George Pocock)
My Creator is an artist.
It was pretty spectacular.
Also pretty much kicked ass at my meet this last weekend. Qualified for the American Open.
"It's a great art, is moving
It's the finest art there is.
It's a symphony of motion.
And when you're moving well
Why it's nearing perfection.
And when you reach perfection
You're touching the divine.
It touches the you of you's
Which is your soul."
(A quote adopted and adapted from George Pocock)
My Creator is an artist.
new favorite song
"You're beckoning me to come and just be
A child at your feet,
Seeing the need for thee."
utilized
In the eyes of the World, Jesus was a complete failure.
In the eyes of God he was the greatest success.
Your "usefulness" to God has nothing to do with the way things appear. Take heart and wait.
In the eyes of God he was the greatest success.
Your "usefulness" to God has nothing to do with the way things appear. Take heart and wait.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
BUIYATAOO!
Believe Unconditionally In Yourself And the Ability Of Others.
Greg and my good friend Cody after the seminar.CrossFit attracts the most inspirational and quality people on earth. Not only is this community the most fit and done amazing things for the sports of Olympic Style lifting and Gymnastics, but it has an incredible density of hard-core quality people. I never cease to be amazed.
It's crazy to think that I've spent nearly one third of my life doing CrossFit and being around these outstanding people. I'm really lucky to have grown up in such a self-actualizing environment, where people are generally positive thinkers. Only occasionally will you come across a person who thinks very lowly of himself and the people around him, but believe me, those people tend not to hang around too long
Last weekend Greg Amundson was in town for his new seminar called "Positive Self-talk and Goal Setting." The title explains what it was essentially about.
Greg articulated in stories and illustrations the power of positive words, setting goals in the affirmative, and believing in yourself.
This seminar was definitely one of those AHA! times, affirming what I've believed to be the way to approach not just physical endeavors but life in general.
These things have been cultivated in my mind in my life as an athlete. It has also been my goal as a coach to cultivate these mental adaptations in my clients. It is difficult, because people are often more concerned about what they can see, the physical adaptations, as opposed to what is unseen--the mental and emotional adaptations. But these are just if not more important than the physical ones.
Here are some things that he touched on that affected me immensely.
1. Keep your eyes on where you want to go in spite of where you are going.
This kinda makes me think about Jesus. Are you surprised?
2. "Only concern yourself with the things which are within your control." Epictetus
The way Greg stated it was that there are things that concern you, and things that you can influence. To maintain a peace of mind, you must only focus on the things which you can influence, namely your actions, instead of worrying about the millions of things that concern which you cannot control. This quote by Epictetus was the flower which sprung from the seed of Greg's words. I don't think I will ever forget it.
3. THOUGHTS become Words. WORDS become Actions. ACTIONS turn into Habits. HABITS define your Character. CHARACTER determines your Destiny.
Greg illustrated these powerful words in a story about his first day at bootcamp when his drill sergeant placed the prospective soldiers in formation and warned them of the power their thoughts will have in their experience at bootcamp. Later, when he was settling in Greg thought of the Fitness Pyramid with these words still in his mind. He made a new Fitness Pyramid which represented, instead of the physical adaptations of CrossFit, the mental adaptations. He placed THOUGHTS and WORDS at the foundation and DESTINY at the peak.
4. FAITH is in the Black Box.
One of the philosophies of CrossFit is the concept of the black box. It is the idea that it doesn't matter what happens inside the box, but what you put into it and what comes out. It is saying that "Who cares how it works! We care that it does!" For example for some reason when you improve your deadlift, your pullups get better! What?
Greg speculated that FAITH lies in the black box. When you set a goal and believe in yourself, have faith that you can achieve it, and work towards it with all your might you will achieve it.
5. Always state what you want, rather than what you don't want.
At the beginning of the seminar he outlined "the secret" in one sentence, saying that when you think of something whether you want it or not, you are summoning the forces of nature and attracting that thing to you that you are thinking about. Therefore it is important when you set goals to always state what you want in what he called the "positive tense."
So instead of a saying
"I don't want to miss the lift."
you would say
"I want to nail the lift with confidence."
The goals need to be clear and concise, expressed in the "positive tense," set with a realistic time frame, and driven by positive motives.
I know there were a couple other things I had taken notes on, but unfortunately since beginning the outline for this post last weekend, I have misplaced my notes.
After this seminar I had a pretty incredible conversation with the Lord about thoughts. "How" I asked, "when we think millions of thoughts a day, can we control each and every one of them to be in line with what you will, Lord? How do we "we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5) when there are so many of them?"
He brought to my mind the idea of the conscious and unconscious mind, how we have control over what lies in our conscious minds, but what lies beneath is His job. This is so profound, but makes a lot of sense.
If we think of our minds as an iceberg, what lies above the water is our conscious minds and what is within our control: our choices, actions, affinities etc. What lies beneath are the things that are instilled in us as human beings: the blessings and curses of our forefathers, our sinful nature, our heredity etc. namely our predisposition. For many of us, the place we are in our lives is determined largely on our predisposition, where our forefathers placed us. We have no control of this and must make the best of it by what we are in control of: the tip of the iceberg.
But still... there is no redemption by our actions. And this is what the Lord taught me through this thought process: only he can redeem us from the things of which we have no control. When we surrender our lives to Christ HE takes care our sinful nature and redeems us from the iniquities of our forefathers.
"If you agree with God's purpose He will bring not only your conscious life, but all the deeper regions of your life which you cannot get at, into harmony." My Utmost for His Highest.
What the Lord told me in this time was that I don't have to worry about my deep unconscious thoughts and desires. I don't have to worry about my heredity and where my predisposition may take me. He simply wants me to surrender to the truth that he has TRANSFORMED this. As soon as I surrendered my will into His hands, I adopted the worldview of Jesus and all my unconscious mind and deepest parts of my soul are in line with the cross. As soon as I was aware that his blood was capable of redeeming me, it was only a matter of having faith that it is finished.
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
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