The Valley, Part 2: A Night Alone

Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me.

I awoke in the darkness, and felt a heaviness. The reality of my hunger and neediness for fellowship could not be ignored. I needed a hug and someone to tell me a truth, any truth. I needed to hear it from some other lips. I wanted to sing a hymn, and hear a voice other than mine. I wanted to love and receive something in return.

In my emptiness, I was frustrated because nothing satisfied me. There was nothing in my life that could fill this hunger for fellowship. I even felt alone at church. I did not connect with people my age because, well frankly, I was just at a different point in my life.

Even in the places that were supposed to be flowing with living water, I could not drink.

I was so hungry for someone to be intimate with, someone to call my own, my friend, mon ami, divine philia. I would die a million times over just to have a Jonathan.

I was ashamed of my neediness. Why was I ashamed? I thought that I SHOULD know how to be self-sustained, I SHOULD know how to live alone, learn alone, be alone and thrive. I was alone and was not thriving, so I was ashamed. But this was a lie.

I began to live in the truth that I indeed was hungry, and it was ok to be needy, to want someone who was full of living water to embrace me and tell me they loved me. I wanted a feast, but I would do anything for plain old bread and water. I saw plain old bread and water all around me, but could not reach it some how. I was frustrated and cried out

My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, “When will you comfort me?”

I think I died a thousand deaths in this time, waiting, surrendering, fainting, suffering. I did not understand it, but I never thought God was unkind. I knew he was the only friend I had, so why should I be angry with him? Why should I curse Him when he loved me with an everlasting love?
I was broken and starving.
Instead of cursing, I sang through my tears hoping He would hear "My God, I love you even while you slay me!"

And in reply, He said "Kalli, you are still most beautiful when you cry."

I smiled at this, in spite of the pain, in spite of the feeling that I was in pieces on the floor. Truly no one could put me back together. No one could restore my life, or make it better, but the one who held me in his hands and carried me as a lamb close to his heart. I turned my desires toward him. Somehow I received the strength to uplift my eyes to his face. I recognized a calmness and joy on it that seemed to say, "Yes, it is true, everything is right where I want it." I could tell He had been crying tears of empathy. He had known this same thing, before the cross, before he was forsaken even by the Father.

Another thing, the most amazing thing, that I recognized in His face was the assurance of the joys to come. He could see the feast. In fact he was preparing it just then. He laughed, He chuckled, He said "It's coming."