Comfort, comfort my people.

Walking home from early CrossFit class this morning I was struck hard and deeply with the cool Fall air. It nipped at my chin and reminded me of this year past.

sigh... Fall.

It is synonymous with freedom,
a bird's wings,
new things.

I'm reading Isaiah.

"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not give my glory to another
or my praise to idols.

See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."

This was in essence what the Lord told me a year ago, as I watched in panic as my gymnastics career crumbled to the ground. In remembering, I realize that God was just as tired of the ways it was oppressing me as I was. I will liberate you! he cried.

I'm still healing from the relationships, but i daily thank God for the freedom. I still have dreams of going back. I wrote Yulia a letter telling her that I forgive her. That was liberating. In spite of the pain, I rejoice in the new ways I have soared since then. I've learned to ask deeper questions about the world, blossomed as a coach, found identity in my Maker and Savior, made friends, found a church where I am mostly nourished.

Interestingly, these words in Isaiah speak to me again. I hunger to be fed, and look to the future hoping for new things.

I hunger for St. John's and the Annapolis church with a deep painful piercing nostalgia. A passion so deep, I cannot even say. I wonder if I sit in my world and look at that distant land as the crystal merchant in The Alchemist looked at Mecca. He settled for the dream, because he was assured it was better. But I know that I will pursue the real thing.

Everything about that place tells my heart that I belong there, that I will live there, and be part of the church, and utilize my gifts, and learn of love in a deeper way. The church is constantly on my heart. I pray and ask What's going on there? I am already a part of it.

Why does my spirit reach out to Annapolis, Lord? I ask. I miss my sisters and Stefan, and the college I know is where I want to go, but there is more. I don't want to expect, but I am convinced there is so much more.

Several times I have let go and told myself I am going to get into Harvard. But every time that desire doesn't stay long.

I have come to peace about it because I realize how dry and desolate this place is and how utterly thirsty I am.

Again, the Lord speaks.

"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.

I want a place and people who speak over me in love and uplift me. I want a place and people who have the wisdom to utilize my spiritual gifts. I also need more than anything to be physically embraced and snuggled. This, it seems, is the deepest need of all.

For now, I remain. My life is good and the blessings are numerous even though the fellowship I have here is limited. I make the best of it always. Even though I search for water and there is none I know the Lord is making water spring in the driest places. I know he knows my needs better than I do.

I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."

Madame Lonay

My French professor. I don't even know her well yet and she's stolen my heart.

Talking about numbers, être, and avoir to emphasize the importance that we commit them to memory:

"They are not going to go away. They are going to keep growing and growing-- like moss."
As she makes a graceful and dramatic motion with her hands of a water plant growing across a rock that lies in a fairy-land stream in the middle of my imagination.

She has a romantic way of explaining things, and a way of teaching that resonates so deeply with me. The lessons always makes me think... but not just about grammar and etymology. She is definitely the kind of person who says just one thing and it leads you on a train of thought that takes you to a philosophical dream-world or something.... I don't know if my peers can attest likewise... it might be just me.... or that we're speaking French. I heard the language has that effect on people.

I think when I asked God for a good teacher, he knew... and fulfilled it better than I could've asked.

I haven't had many teachers in my life, but she is--by far-- my favorite.

perfect peace

You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.

Isaiah26:3

divided

I'm drinking coffee out of my St. John's College mug and being very nostalgic.

Seriously considering dropping my life and hitch hiking to Maryland.

There might be something wrong with me by the amount that I miss that place.

Haha.


God's whispering in my ear right now.




"REMAIN"



"Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name."
Psalm 86:11

The art of moving

I rowed out on Lake Union this evening for the first time. Clear sky. Bright moon. Seattle city lights.

It was pretty spectacular.

Also pretty much kicked ass at my meet this last weekend. Qualified for the American Open.








"It's a great art, is moving
It's the finest art there is.
It's a symphony of motion.
And when you're moving well
Why it's nearing perfection.
And when you reach perfection
You're touching the divine.
It touches the you of you's
Which is your soul."

(A quote adopted and adapted from George Pocock)

My Creator is an artist.

new favorite song

"You're beckoning me to come and just be
A child at your feet,
Seeing the need for thee."

utilized

In the eyes of the World, Jesus was a complete failure.
In the eyes of God he was the greatest success.
Your "usefulness" to God has nothing to do with the way things appear. Take heart and wait.

BUIYATAOO!

Believe Unconditionally In Yourself And the Ability Of Others.

Greg and my good friend Cody after the seminar.

CrossFit attracts the most inspirational and quality people on earth. Not only is this community the most fit and done amazing things for the sports of Olympic Style lifting and Gymnastics, but it has an incredible density of hard-core quality people. I never cease to be amazed.

It's crazy to think that I've spent nearly one third of my life doing CrossFit and being around these outstanding people. I'm really lucky to have grown up in such a self-actualizing environment, where people are generally positive thinkers. Only occasionally will you come across a person who thinks very lowly of himself and the people around him, but believe me, those people tend not to hang around too long

Last weekend Greg Amundson was in town for his new seminar called "Positive Self-talk and Goal Setting." The title explains what it was essentially about.

Greg articulated in stories and illustrations the power of positive words, setting goals in the affirmative, and believing in yourself.

This seminar was definitely one of those AHA! times, affirming what I've believed to be the way to approach not just physical endeavors but life in general.

These things have been cultivated in my mind in my life as an athlete. It has also been my goal as a coach to cultivate these mental adaptations in my clients. It is difficult, because people are often more concerned about what they can see, the physical adaptations, as opposed to what is unseen--the mental and emotional adaptations. But these are just if not more important than the physical ones.

Here are some things that he touched on that affected me immensely.

1. Keep your eyes on where you want to go in spite of where you are going.
This kinda makes me think about Jesus. Are you surprised?

2. "Only concern yourself with the things which are within your control." Epictetus
The way Greg stated it was that there are things that concern you, and things that you can influence. To maintain a peace of mind, you must only focus on the things which you can influence, namely your actions, instead of worrying about the millions of things that concern which you cannot control. This quote by Epictetus was the flower which sprung from the seed of Greg's words. I don't think I will ever forget it.

3. THOUGHTS become Words. WORDS become Actions. ACTIONS turn into Habits. HABITS define your Character. CHARACTER determines your Destiny.


Greg illustrated these powerful words in a story about his first day at bootcamp when his drill sergeant placed the prospective soldiers in formation and warned them of the power their thoughts will have in their experience at bootcamp. Later, when he was settling in Greg thought of the Fitness Pyramid with these words still in his mind. He made a new Fitness Pyramid which represented, instead of the physical adaptations of CrossFit, the mental adaptations. He placed THOUGHTS and WORDS at the foundation and DESTINY at the peak.




4. FAITH is in the Black Box.
One of the philosophies of CrossFit is the concept of the black box. It is the idea that it doesn't matter what happens inside the box, but what you put into it and what comes out. It is saying that "Who cares how it works! We care that it does!" For example for some reason when you improve your deadlift, your pullups get better! What?
Greg speculated that FAITH lies in the black box. When you set a goal and believe in yourself, have faith that you can achieve it, and work towards it with all your might you will achieve it.

5. Always state what you want, rather than what you don't want.
At the beginning of the seminar he outlined "the secret" in one sentence, saying that when you think of something whether you want it or not, you are summoning the forces of nature and attracting that thing to you that you are thinking about. Therefore it is important when you set goals to always state what you want in what he called the "positive tense."
So instead of a saying
"I don't want to miss the lift."
you would say
"I want to nail the lift with confidence."
The goals need to be clear and concise, expressed in the "positive tense," set with a realistic time frame, and driven by positive motives.

I know there were a couple other things I had taken notes on, but unfortunately since beginning the outline for this post last weekend, I have misplaced my notes.

After this seminar I had a pretty incredible conversation with the Lord about thoughts. "How" I asked, "when we think millions of thoughts a day, can we control each and every one of them to be in line with what you will, Lord? How do we "we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5) when there are so many of them?"
He brought to my mind the idea of the conscious and unconscious mind, how we have control over what lies in our conscious minds, but what lies beneath is His job. This is so profound, but makes a lot of sense.
If we think of our minds as an iceberg, what lies above the water is our conscious minds and what is within our control: our choices, actions, affinities etc. What lies beneath are the things that are instilled in us as human beings: the blessings and curses of our forefathers, our sinful nature, our heredity etc. namely our predisposition. For many of us, the place we are in our lives is determined largely on our predisposition, where our forefathers placed us. We have no control of this and must make the best of it by what we are in control of: the tip of the iceberg.

But still... there is no redemption by our actions. And this is what the Lord taught me through this thought process: only he can redeem us from the things of which we have no control. When we surrender our lives to Christ HE takes care our sinful nature and redeems us from the iniquities of our forefathers.
"If you agree with God's purpose He will bring not only your conscious life, but all the deeper regions of your life which you cannot get at, into harmony." My Utmost for His Highest.

What the Lord told me in this time was that I don't have to worry about my deep unconscious thoughts and desires. I don't have to worry about my heredity and where my predisposition may take me. He simply wants me to surrender to the truth that he has TRANSFORMED this. As soon as I surrendered my will into His hands, I adopted the worldview of Jesus and all my unconscious mind and deepest parts of my soul are in line with the cross. As soon as I was aware that his blood was capable of redeeming me, it was only a matter of having faith that it is finished.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

1 John 3:1

(“Children of Light” by Anne Marie Oborn)

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are..."

This image stands in my mind of a Child looking up to his Father with shining and expectant eyes. "What's next, daddy, what's next!?"

"Patience my child." Father says, as He strokes the young one's cheek. "I am going to show you great and unsearchable things!"

In complete trust, and the peace of innocence, he lays his head down and rests in the Father's lap.

It is imprinted in my mind of this boy expecting something from his Father. Something Great. And marvelous. He is expecting a vision. Or a gift. Or an adventure.

This image has had a deep impression on me in the last few months. I've felt older, with more obligations and impending expectations of adult life. But amidst the buzz of life, I feel I've grown to an understanding of God as the Father, as he has been saying to me "Kalli, be my child."

When I got home from Oklahoma, I had a conversation with Bethany about my optimism. I had had several conversations with my mother about the World, and where it is going. We had been discussing along the lines of this verse in Habakkuk 2:

Has not the LORD Almighty determined that the people's labor is only fuel for the fire, that the nations exhaust themselves for nothing?

They troubled and stimulated me. In spite of these conversations, I maintained a perpetual hope. No matter how my nest was stirred, I felt confidence in the goodness of the Lord.

Reflecting on the possibilities of my future, I told her, "Bethany, life is so full and vibrant!"

She just smiled at me. And we continued to discuss the possibilities of maintaining such a pure and positive outlook.

It reminded me of one of my friends. One time we were having coffee, and I told her this exact same thing about feeling like I could be a child forever. "I'm so excited for life, to learn, to grow, and be challenged."

She sat back in her chair and started laughing hysterically.
"What!?" I asked... "Why are you laughing?"
She said, "That's so sad."

She was not the first one who had that reaction to my optimistic outlook.
It is almost hard for me to understand. She had been through a lot. In fact she used be like me, and she saw herself in me as we had coffee. She knew I would have to face the world eventually, and be beaten and wounded as she had. She saw me with this optimism, and couldn't help but laugh, perhaps to cover up the hurt.

I felt like a child would when you tell them that one day the sun is going to explode, and life and happiness will cease to exist. I asked: Is becoming jaded inevitable?

Honestly, I didn't know what to think. But in a strange way, this friend's reaction encouraged me.

I've been protected by angels of the Lord all my life. I experienced loss as a child without a mother, which in turn shaped my view of the Holy Spirit as distant at first, but since August 15 2006, there has been no loss in my heart in that area. Mother in God has been near, Father God, close. Jesus, my best friend. In ignorance of my family's woes, I maintained innocence. It was as if God protected me from knowing things in my early years... he carried all the burdens for me... and finally when he knew for sure I could bear the knowledge, he revealed the mysteries of my past. All in his timing.

I often puzzle at this working of the Lord, how it was really him who shaped me to have this outlook of life. I didn't choose my parents or the circumstances in which I was raised. He did. Though mysterious, it explains why I am the way I am.

This friend encouraged me in the way that I was assured that this childlikeness was a blessing of the Lord. That I have not maintained this by my own hand. A child is what I am, nothing I do will ever make me not His child. Though, one day I may wake up and everything I hold dear will be gone, knowing the Father is a God who gives, but also one who takes away. It might place me in a state of extreme poverty physically or spiritually, with a broken or hardened heart-- but I will always remain His child.

The everlasting God is a refuge, and underneath you are his eternal arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27

What does it mean, to be a child in practical living?

Life isn't always perfect, nor will I always live in blissful ignorance. My nest will be stirred and I will face the storms and tribulations. Childlikeness means remaining expectant only on the plans of the Lord and sitting at his feet in spite of the things going on around. Being a child is a matter of maintaining unutterable trust.

Do you remember the faith you had as a child? Do you remember your imagination, how you would believe nearly anything? Being a child is a matter of knowing what pleases your Father and doing it. Remain in His arms and in His love.

There will always be an element of mystery in Jesus' words "The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" but for those of us who remember what its like to sit in our father's lap, we can imagine. You can never be to big or too wise for Him to welcome you into his lap. As much as we ever try to be anything else, we will remain His child. Because we live by faith and not by works, we cannot do anything to become saints; the truth is that we are. Being a child is a matter of standing upon the truth that you simply are.

No matter how much knowledge of the world he gives us, we must surrender. No matter how much responsibility it seems that he is putting on us, we must have unutterable trust in Him. No matter how much of a wise and learned grownup you think He is making you, always retreat to His arms.

The Lord seems to delight in making wise the foolish of the world, and shining in the the paupers, and those who are looked down upon. It is his mysterious, but glorious way.

"I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure."

is the river flowing through me, or am i drowning in it?

In spite of having SO MUCH on my mind, I am at peace.

Blogging has been hard. I have A LOT that I want to pour out to the world, but I realize that the thoughts have been burdens which must be poured out to the Lord first.

I feel a nudging from the Lord to continue this blog with Him as the center. That has been where I've been leaning in the past months since Priska was here: since I learned about my mentoring spirit, my desire to encourage, and this eye for beauty. Gifts.

I am not to dwell on how these things will be utilized, but I am blessed to realize that God has been using me in ways that I am not even aware of.

Out of the blue, He touches me by revealing a glimpse of the affects that his words have. I get excited, giddy. Oh gee... USE ME, LORD.

"Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

He rejoices in my delight in Him, then calms my heart by saying "COME" "ABIDE" "BE"
Words which have been so profound in my life. "Just BE, little one."

The river of truth overwhelms me, but I find peace in His arms.

After surrender, the words just flow at a manageable rate. From the depths of my heart, or His? There is no TRY, no deliberation. Only fluidness, calmness... or so appears. How can I withhold its mighty pull?

So simple

So cool.

These words are not my own

'I AM WHO I AM hath sent me!'

Exodus 3:14

I have rights. But only when I surrender my claim to my right to myself, can I be changed by the calling of the Great I AM.

Answering his call is saying
HERE... I am.

This is who you've created me to be. And I surrender.

Yes I have rights, and I can insist on these rights all day long.
My right to my life, my self, my inheritance. Namely, my right to exercise free will.

"Father, if you will it, TAKE THIS CUP. Not my will but yours be done."

Jesus is not crying out for the Father to take his burden, because he knows that we will have to fulfill his purpose, but he was once again saying "I SURRENDER my purpose into your hands."

Answering His call is the ultimate reconciliation of the Paradox of Free will vs. His will. Answering His call is saying I don't know, but you do. I don't know me, but I know You.

It is recognizing that this relationship with God is offset. I have nothing, You have everything.

It is saying HERE... is my will... my self... my plan.
HERE... is everything I see myself as.
HERE... is my plan for my future.
HERE... are all my desires.

Not my will--not my way--but Yours.

Sanctify me and Do it YOUR WAY.

A revelation.

We are not striving sinners
saved by grace.
We are SAINTS.

By the powers of love and grace
He has made the supernatural
natural in us.

Brothers and Sisters.
Live in abundance.
It is finished.
The old is gone.
The new has come!

the LIFE in learning

I'm pretty sure I have already shouted it out the whole world by now, but for those of you who do not know yet:

I'm taking French!!!

It is a unique and beautiful language. Unique in the way that it is the only language that has a category of phonetics called "la nasales" (check me. it might actually be masculine, le), where you basically sound like you are speaking inside the "guitar body of your head" as my teacher put it. It's beautiful because it is the language spoken in Paris, where people fall in love, right?

My teacher is a 60-some year young lady, Mademoiselle Lonay. She is animated, and quite romantic. Much expected from a French teacher. I think I am going to like her.

My class is made up of a variety of people. There are several high schoolers participating in Running Start, as well as women whose families are from Morocco, or people learning for professional reasons... I really like the diversity. It makes things more interesting.

The first day I met a young lady whose Grandfather is the mayor of San Luis Obispo. Woohoo, it's a small world!

On Tuesday night after class I was sitting waiting for the bus sorting out this storm of thoughts and emotions about this new experiences of GOING TO SCHOOL! I was absentmindedly watching people walk from their classes to the bus stop or wherever they were going for the night. Some were coming from the Math and Science building holding their Physics texts, Calculus texts, Biology... I got so excited and started listing all those classes in my head that I wanted to take. Chemistry, Sociology, Psychology, Literature. It would be so cool to take these classes and study these topics with people. Really I'm not sure if I'm more excited about the class itself or the people. Each mind is so different and I think it's the human beings that fascinate me. That's the best thing about school, hands down.

I look at people with an unusual fascination, I think. My deprivation of human contact in my schooling years has not necessarily been a bad thing, because I don't take people for granted now. Studying in solitude has cultivated my self-driven nature, as well as caused me to observe people and the way they learn in a new way. They are foreign specimens to me. People are new cells which I have discovered on this organism called earth. They wiggle and dance and function uniquely, making up the body of society....

This seems to be the topic of study where my mind is most naturally inclined. I guess it would technically be called sociology: the study of social patterns, how people live and interact with each other, how they grow and develop, how they learn... The funny thing is that I am originally repulsed by groups of people, but once I get among them I cannot help but watch them, and love them.

This study is very dry without a large injection of LOVE from Jesus. Without staying at the source there is no love to flow. Without adopting the world-view of God, and identifying myself with HIS interests in people, whatever I learn has very little meaning in the big picture of life. We are meant to be his Body, a society of believers, with Christ as the Head. The Lord is jealous for our hearts! He wants his purpose to be fulfilled in our lives, and as I adopt this mindset, every study I take on--French, Chemistry, Sociology, Physics--will have LIFE! It will make sense in the big picture. My eyes will see the beauty of the way God intended things to be.

This is the most amazing thing about life. I have this fire burning to see people at their best, and the means to approach it, if God wills. Without God, my coaching means nothing. In fact it is only by his power that I have the energy and love for the people in my gym. I have experienced days when I have been completely empty, every movement I coach has become incomprehensible and shrouded with confusion. How exactly is the way the body is supposed to work!? I can't see it clearly! Then it comes, the touch. The power of God. I see things clearly. It is all so simple. Words just flow, and peoples' beauties are so alive. Ahhhh, I see! Under the tarnish, is a shine... and this is what must be conceived. It is what is seen by God (holy, blameless, free from accusation). The holy being, identified with Christ is the goal. And it is finished.



"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith." Hebrew 12:1-2

Shout with joy in the valley what you hear on the mount.

I have lots of unfinished blog posts.
So it's not that I haven't been blogging, I just haven't been posting...

God is opening lots of doors, not always in the material, but really deep inside of me. He's been showing me who I am through new things, people, adventures, and new questions I ask.

What does it mean to love not the world?
What does it mean to be a child of God?
What does it mean to put every ounce of trust in Him?

They are about the practicalities of life, living out the Lord's commands. The Lord takes me up to the mount and shows me something really extraordinary. He grants me knowledge and simplicity of a child. Then these things reach the valley and are put to the test. The fires. The storms. The tribulations. I'm learning an aspect of Christian life that is often lost to those who hunger for the extravagance of God.

Life isn't always extravagant.

Life happens in the valleys, and it is among the demon-possessed and duties and drudgeries of life that the real Christian life is lived.

Descending into the valley has been a huge eye opener. I find myself crying out for wisdom more than anything. Burdens and expectations are placed upon me as I take on more adult roles in life. I have a job. I go to school. I am an athlete. The challenge is embracing these things as they become more routine, not expecting the actual things to fill me, but expecting God himself to show His face in each and every one of the simple things.

That is what keeps me alive. His face, His eyes, His smile--His beauty. On the days during a hard training week, walking to the gym, I stop to examine a leaf with dew drops. There are roses, I smell every single on of the them. At the gym I smile at the face of each and every one of my clients. Even the ones who are hard to love because their beauty is so covered by brokenness. But God sees their beauty, so do I.

Simple pleasures keep me going. It's like God, while putting me in this drudgery, shows me that though the extravagance of life is gone He is still there. He was there on the mount, He is there in the valley. That is the only thing that does not change. Nothing separates me from His Love or His Touch.

God has begun literally opening the floodgates of Heaven. It seems that every abyss in my nature has been filled. I have been instilled with simplicity, so life is vibrant and full and it all looks like a great adventure. My mind is pliable and in a state of constant change. There is no shame in approaching God and being intimate with him, because I am a saint in his eyes. This life is meant to be lived in abundance and I am beginning to understand what that means. It has much to do with being entirely reliant upon Him, and being undazed by circumstances. There is no loss. There is no sacrifice. Everything is done out of Love-Passion.