sigh... Fall.
It is synonymous with freedom,
a bird's wings,
new things.
I'm reading Isaiah.
"I am the LORD; that is my name!
I will not give my glory to another
or my praise to idols.
See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."
This was in essence what the Lord told me a year ago, as I watched in panic as my gymnastics career crumbled to the ground. In remembering, I realize that God was just as tired of the ways it was oppressing me as I was. I will liberate you! he cried.
I'm still healing from the relationships, but i daily thank God for the freedom. I still have dreams of going back. I wrote Yulia a letter telling her that I forgive her. That was liberating. In spite of the pain, I rejoice in the new ways I have soared since then. I've learned to ask deeper questions about the world, blossomed as a coach, found identity in my Maker and Savior, made friends, found a church where I am mostly nourished.
Interestingly, these words in Isaiah speak to me again. I hunger to be fed, and look to the future hoping for new things.
I hunger for St. John's and the Annapolis church with a deep painful piercing nostalgia. A passion so deep, I cannot even say. I wonder if I sit in my world and look at that distant land as the crystal merchant in The Alchemist looked at Mecca. He settled for the dream, because he was assured it was better. But I know that I will pursue the real thing.
Everything about that place tells my heart that I belong there, that I will live there, and be part of the church, and utilize my gifts, and learn of love in a deeper way. The church is constantly on my heart. I pray and ask What's going on there? I am already a part of it.
Why does my spirit reach out to Annapolis, Lord? I ask. I miss my sisters and Stefan, and the college I know is where I want to go, but there is more. I don't want to expect, but I am convinced there is so much more.
Several times I have let go and told myself I am going to get into Harvard. But every time that desire doesn't stay long.
I have come to peace about it because I realize how dry and desolate this place is and how utterly thirsty I am.
Again, the Lord speaks.
"The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I want a place and people who speak over me in love and uplift me. I want a place and people who have the wisdom to utilize my spiritual gifts. I also need more than anything to be physically embraced and snuggled. This, it seems, is the deepest need of all.
For now, I remain. My life is good and the blessings are numerous even though the fellowship I have here is limited. I make the best of it always. Even though I search for water and there is none I know the Lord is making water spring in the driest places. I know he knows my needs better than I do.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs."
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