A different kind of joy is bubbling up in me. It's the kind that is found in the assurance that there is something more to this life.
I've always had a desire to see things as a whole. Every thought or idea is intertwined with some other thought and idea. The patterns connected form a complete fabric of the UNIVERSE and all the questions and answers therein.
I want to know it all!
There is no limit to what we can know. And if there is one, it's racing away as fast as we chase it. The breadth and depth of what is there to comprehend is immeasurable. I look at the stars and infer this. I look out to the lights thousands of years away and realize I am also looking into the future. The future. It's all so vast, this time, this space.
My hunger for security proves itself in my never-ending drive to know things. Security is found in that illusion of control. If I know, perhaps I can control. I like to box things up and organize them. I want to say that I am going to go to college, then do this, then do that, then explore the world, and understand everything in it... It's all perfectly planned out.
But
God has a way of turning things upside down. He has a way of messing up the nest and making wise the simple. He has a way of completely blowing up our plans and almost literally blowing our minds in the process. Ok, I give up trying to understand you, God. You are much to big for me.
In the end, all this planning and controlling does is limit me.
God doesn't live in my mind.
God's ways, within and without me, are limitless. I cannot intellectually grasp Him. I cannot prove he exists with my mind. He couldn't possibly fit himself into my understanding. Anyway, He would probably refuse to squeeze into my box. "No, Kalli," He's told me, "you are meant to live for much much more than that."
He does, based on what the bible says, live inside me. "If you remain in me, and I remain in you, you will do greater things than I have done."
I guess he lives in my heart. That's what they've told me since I was a little kid. He lives inside that little organ that pumps life into my system. Less literally, he lives in my core, and my essence. He lives in my spirit. Get this: an eternal being lives inside me. Hmmmm. And while I go on trying to fathom what God is doing from the beginning to the end of time, He reminds me that eternity is in my heart.
This tells me that my heart knows much more than my intellect can understand. My heart already knows what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Those seeds are planted already, whether I can understand it our not.
Lately He's manifested in extraordinary ways, telling me that I am capable of extraordinary things. Superhuman and fantastic. He tells me to start getting used to calling myself badass, 'cause that's exactly what I am.
So, I'm throwing away my measuring stick, and all that security that comes with it. I am surely to be a city without walls. God as my wall of fire. God as my glory within.
should be quite an adventure.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
flowing
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy,
a quickening that is translated through you into
action,
and because there is only one of you in all of time, this
expression is
unique.
And if you block it, it will never exist through any
other medium and it will be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how valuable
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and
directly,
to keep the channel open."
Martha Graham
a quickening that is translated through you into
action,
and because there is only one of you in all of time, this
expression is
unique.
And if you block it, it will never exist through any
other medium and it will be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is
nor how valuable
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and
directly,
to keep the channel open."
Martha Graham
Sunday, January 23, 2011
college update
3 interviews
Saturday: Harvard
We sat in a crowded coffeehouse on Capitol Hill. I was dressed up with makeup on for the first time since... I don't know when. He had an air of superiority. I had to prove my worthiness. Do you have what it takes? was the underlying question of all his questions. He had majored in math at Harvard, and was most interested in my mathematical training. What was it about math that intrigued me the most? The aesthetic appeal of structure in the universe, I answered. I might have gotten marked down for not remembering the mean value theorem. Oops. After all, I haven't done calculus in over a year... (p.s. I'm 17)
Thursday: Middlebury
This put a lot in perspective regarding how tense the Harvard coffee date had been. The setting was a very nice espresso and wine bar on 1st Ave. She began by telling me her life story, which, she said was only fair before she bombarded me with questions about myself. She went to Middlebury in the '90s, lived in Boston for some time, and began food writing when she moved to Seattle. Very interesting lady. She joked about her earrings, complimented me on mine (noting that I had a very "east coast look") and told me funny stories about the college. She asked me about myself, and as I told her that I was the fifth of six kids and home schooled by a single father, she said "Wow." She said wow a lot throughout my story. The interview was short, a pleasant 30 minutes. Even after she said, "Well that's all I need to know," we sat and chatted for a few more minutes.
Saturday: Dartmouth
It was at an office building downtown, on the fourth floor. I was ushered into a little waiting area where another student was waiting for his interview. I was early. Gradually, other students began to show up. We all chatted about what schools we went to, why we wanted to go to Dartmouth, what we were thinking of majoring it, etc. One girl said that she was so nervous she couldn't feel her fingers. I sat back on the couch and laughed to myself. I have the Lord's favor! "Ya ain't seen nothin' yet" He had told me through a country song earlier. I noted to my new acquaintances, in an effort to lighten the mood, how all the previous interviewees were leaving with smiles... it mustn't be that bad. My interviewer came and called my name. She was young, a graduate of '09, and we clicked right away. After we sat down, she told me about herself. Her questions were super fun to answer. "Who are your heroes, and why? Describe one personal characteristic you are particularly proud of? How about one you aren't so proud of? After you die, who do you want to be remembered as?" The kind of person who could change the feeling in a tense room, and remembered for the light she exuded...
I left that interview pretty damn content.
I just sent my SAT scores in, which means I will hear back from St. John's College in the next few weeks.
The others, I will have to wait for April. I've decided to wait till then to give my final decision.
Saturday: Harvard
We sat in a crowded coffeehouse on Capitol Hill. I was dressed up with makeup on for the first time since... I don't know when. He had an air of superiority. I had to prove my worthiness. Do you have what it takes? was the underlying question of all his questions. He had majored in math at Harvard, and was most interested in my mathematical training. What was it about math that intrigued me the most? The aesthetic appeal of structure in the universe, I answered. I might have gotten marked down for not remembering the mean value theorem. Oops. After all, I haven't done calculus in over a year... (p.s. I'm 17)
Thursday: Middlebury
This put a lot in perspective regarding how tense the Harvard coffee date had been. The setting was a very nice espresso and wine bar on 1st Ave. She began by telling me her life story, which, she said was only fair before she bombarded me with questions about myself. She went to Middlebury in the '90s, lived in Boston for some time, and began food writing when she moved to Seattle. Very interesting lady. She joked about her earrings, complimented me on mine (noting that I had a very "east coast look") and told me funny stories about the college. She asked me about myself, and as I told her that I was the fifth of six kids and home schooled by a single father, she said "Wow." She said wow a lot throughout my story. The interview was short, a pleasant 30 minutes. Even after she said, "Well that's all I need to know," we sat and chatted for a few more minutes.
Saturday: Dartmouth
It was at an office building downtown, on the fourth floor. I was ushered into a little waiting area where another student was waiting for his interview. I was early. Gradually, other students began to show up. We all chatted about what schools we went to, why we wanted to go to Dartmouth, what we were thinking of majoring it, etc. One girl said that she was so nervous she couldn't feel her fingers. I sat back on the couch and laughed to myself. I have the Lord's favor! "Ya ain't seen nothin' yet" He had told me through a country song earlier. I noted to my new acquaintances, in an effort to lighten the mood, how all the previous interviewees were leaving with smiles... it mustn't be that bad. My interviewer came and called my name. She was young, a graduate of '09, and we clicked right away. After we sat down, she told me about herself. Her questions were super fun to answer. "Who are your heroes, and why? Describe one personal characteristic you are particularly proud of? How about one you aren't so proud of? After you die, who do you want to be remembered as?" The kind of person who could change the feeling in a tense room, and remembered for the light she exuded...
I left that interview pretty damn content.
I just sent my SAT scores in, which means I will hear back from St. John's College in the next few weeks.
The others, I will have to wait for April. I've decided to wait till then to give my final decision.
Friday, January 14, 2011
work and worship
What a crazy week. Nonstop work, it seemed. I've really enjoyed being disciplined, and fell crazy in love with my job again. There is joy in all things, no matter how tired you are! I'm so lucky. I topped the week off with an epic hike on Mt. Si with Daniel, and a slightly screwy ankle, but no worries.
Nationals is coming up next month. "Discipline and fun," I tell myself, "Drudgery is the treasure of life. It all happens there. Rejoice!" Everyday this week has been wake at 7am, teach 8am, eat, teach, train, eat, recover, speak French, sleep. I've rarely had time to sit and write in my journal. When these times come, they are so sweet. Refuel, decompress, deeeeep breath. I am blessed with a mighty sense of fulfillment in my work. I smile and jump and laugh while coaching in the gym. It is all play to me. I try not to take anything too seriously. The Lord convicts me in discipline and rewards my playfulness. I love him so much.
On Si this afternoon, I had the most exhilarating experience. It was the feeling of complete and total joy in doing what I was created to do. Running downhill at full speed with no fear. Light as hinds feet were mine as I fell, caught myself and rolled into the next fall. Reaction time was optimal. Step after step I caught myself in a free fall. Losing no energy I rolled into the next free fall. The rain drenched my cotton pants and north face jacket. The last third of the hike had been in slush and ice; I fell a couple times on the descent. Once Daniel and I got past the snow, we hit the gas and sped down. We were sure- footed despite the impending darkness. "He will make your feet like hinds' feet." My heart worshiped as I my feet rebounded, and I dodged roots and mud and rocks in the trail. My fearlessness marked a milestone in my emotional healing since gymnastics. I was not afraid to fall or feel pain. I wanted to do what I had been created to do; I am created for speed. I am created to run after the deer, dodge trees. It was instinctive, it seemed. A beautiful thing to feel my heart follow after my earliest ancestors' athleticism. I am primal.
The past beatings I inflicted upon my body in gymnastics finally got the best of me when I sprained my ankle a mile and a half from the bottom. Damn it. Nothing too bad, it's just a little sore. After five days in a row of clean and jerks and heavy snatch pulls, I guess I was asking for it. My body is spent. I'm thankful for the next two rest days.
The Lord has been generally quiet in my heart, I think because He really wants me to be quiet before him. Sometimes it's nice to just hear his sweet whisper, instead of feeling the burning in my bones.
I have a Harvard admissions interview tomorrow afternoon. Sweet.
Nationals is coming up next month. "Discipline and fun," I tell myself, "Drudgery is the treasure of life. It all happens there. Rejoice!" Everyday this week has been wake at 7am, teach 8am, eat, teach, train, eat, recover, speak French, sleep. I've rarely had time to sit and write in my journal. When these times come, they are so sweet. Refuel, decompress, deeeeep breath. I am blessed with a mighty sense of fulfillment in my work. I smile and jump and laugh while coaching in the gym. It is all play to me. I try not to take anything too seriously. The Lord convicts me in discipline and rewards my playfulness. I love him so much.
On Si this afternoon, I had the most exhilarating experience. It was the feeling of complete and total joy in doing what I was created to do. Running downhill at full speed with no fear. Light as hinds feet were mine as I fell, caught myself and rolled into the next fall. Reaction time was optimal. Step after step I caught myself in a free fall. Losing no energy I rolled into the next free fall. The rain drenched my cotton pants and north face jacket. The last third of the hike had been in slush and ice; I fell a couple times on the descent. Once Daniel and I got past the snow, we hit the gas and sped down. We were sure- footed despite the impending darkness. "He will make your feet like hinds' feet." My heart worshiped as I my feet rebounded, and I dodged roots and mud and rocks in the trail. My fearlessness marked a milestone in my emotional healing since gymnastics. I was not afraid to fall or feel pain. I wanted to do what I had been created to do; I am created for speed. I am created to run after the deer, dodge trees. It was instinctive, it seemed. A beautiful thing to feel my heart follow after my earliest ancestors' athleticism. I am primal.
The past beatings I inflicted upon my body in gymnastics finally got the best of me when I sprained my ankle a mile and a half from the bottom. Damn it. Nothing too bad, it's just a little sore. After five days in a row of clean and jerks and heavy snatch pulls, I guess I was asking for it. My body is spent. I'm thankful for the next two rest days.
The Lord has been generally quiet in my heart, I think because He really wants me to be quiet before him. Sometimes it's nice to just hear his sweet whisper, instead of feeling the burning in my bones.
I have a Harvard admissions interview tomorrow afternoon. Sweet.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thomas Merton
One who is content with what he has, and who accepts the fact that he inevitably misses much is far better off than one who has much more but worries about all he is missing.
For we can not make the best of what we are, if our hearts are always divided between what we are and what we are not;
the fruitfulness of our life depend a large measure on our ability to doubt our own words and to question the value of our own work;
what we need is the gift of God which makes us able to find in ourselves not just ourselves but Him:
and then our nothingness becomes his all.
For we can not make the best of what we are, if our hearts are always divided between what we are and what we are not;
the fruitfulness of our life depend a large measure on our ability to doubt our own words and to question the value of our own work;
what we need is the gift of God which makes us able to find in ourselves not just ourselves but Him:
and then our nothingness becomes his all.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
He is a good gardener
In looking back on my recent trials, the Lord released a great and easing revelation.
He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.” Mark4:26-29
Our future is like a garden. Our inheritances are like the trees and flowers and fruits that this garden produces. Like a gardener, the Lord tends to his people, planting, watering, and doing what is beyond our control: making things grow.
"So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians3:7
I was reminded of my deepest longings in the times I sat in darkness. I was depressed, and as far as I could tell had no future to hope in. Yet I still expressed the longings that were planted deepest within my heart. My intuition already new what I wanted. I had no power to bring it out. Change seemed impossible. I was in a ditch I had dug, dreaming of a different future other than my current circumstances implied.
I look at my life now, and realize that the Lord had laid the seeds of my current circumstances long ago. He had laid them atop the soil so that they would not sprout. With time, pressure, love and nourishment the seed became a blossom. The seed will only grow if there is enough pressure upon it.
"For as the soil makes the sprout come us
and a garden causes seeds to grow
so the Sovereign Lord will make
righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations."
Isaiah61:11
What I am most amazed at is how perfect things have been, how He has orchestrated the circumstances just perfectly to bring me here. I am enjoying his crown of life because I persevered. For example, though lacking guidance or counsel, I was given wisdom in applying for CC then to colleges. I just feel like the timing that these things were completed was a work of God.
Even now, God is planting seeds for my future and yours. It is like he knows what we want before we do. He can do far more for us than we could ever ask or imagine. He knows well how he formed us. He knows exactly what must be done for our sanctification. And what joy to be assured that He is an artist, the master of what is truly beautiful. In us he will do great and marvelous works!
We are God's field. He tends to His gardens that they may flourish.
"The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame
You will be like a well-watered garden
like a spring whose waters never fail."
Isaiah58:11
He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.” Mark4:26-29
Our future is like a garden. Our inheritances are like the trees and flowers and fruits that this garden produces. Like a gardener, the Lord tends to his people, planting, watering, and doing what is beyond our control: making things grow.
"So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians3:7
I was reminded of my deepest longings in the times I sat in darkness. I was depressed, and as far as I could tell had no future to hope in. Yet I still expressed the longings that were planted deepest within my heart. My intuition already new what I wanted. I had no power to bring it out. Change seemed impossible. I was in a ditch I had dug, dreaming of a different future other than my current circumstances implied.
I look at my life now, and realize that the Lord had laid the seeds of my current circumstances long ago. He had laid them atop the soil so that they would not sprout. With time, pressure, love and nourishment the seed became a blossom. The seed will only grow if there is enough pressure upon it.
"For as the soil makes the sprout come us
and a garden causes seeds to grow
so the Sovereign Lord will make
righteousness and praise
spring up before all nations."
Isaiah61:11
What I am most amazed at is how perfect things have been, how He has orchestrated the circumstances just perfectly to bring me here. I am enjoying his crown of life because I persevered. For example, though lacking guidance or counsel, I was given wisdom in applying for CC then to colleges. I just feel like the timing that these things were completed was a work of God.
Even now, God is planting seeds for my future and yours. It is like he knows what we want before we do. He can do far more for us than we could ever ask or imagine. He knows well how he formed us. He knows exactly what must be done for our sanctification. And what joy to be assured that He is an artist, the master of what is truly beautiful. In us he will do great and marvelous works!
We are God's field. He tends to His gardens that they may flourish.
"The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame
You will be like a well-watered garden
like a spring whose waters never fail."
Isaiah58:11
Monday, January 03, 2011
Utterly blessed
Life. I'm relearning discipline and as a result appreciating more the times between toil. Instead of grasping for down time to sit and contemplate the Lord's goodness and listen for His voice, I work at what is before me with all my might and find that He is much more gracious when I am settling after a long day of disciplined work. This is His blessing.
I start up school tomorrow after a good 3 weeks off. I am refreshed by having Aimee and Don here, the short work weeks, and very little training. I'm back on the training now, back on the paleo wagon, back on the school. French 122 Hooray! I'm stoked to get in the classroom again. I feel like I belong there. It stimulates me. People. People stimulate me most of all.
Acacia and Daniel come in three days. They are both mightily adventurous; the next couple weeks with them will be awesome no doubt. I'm excited about a lot. This year holds so much. So much pertaining to "growing up." I resolve to remain a child in spite of everything. The most impending prospect is college. College. Oh my! I am reminded of the power and beauty of repose and the pleasure of discipline. Practical, normal, good ol' everyday life. Life is happening NOW. I am. This day is special. I love Seattle. I love the people I have here. I juice this experience, so to speak, of all its goodness... The Lord always instills rest in the midst of craziness. I feel like I'm learning loads about the practical Christian life, Christ's life as a human being, his suffering and coming to glory. Glory. Asking: seriously, what would Jesus do? It is a cliche, yes, but a very important question.
Would Jesus weightlift? ha.
I wrestled with this paradox: the reconciliation of Christianity and sport. Christ-exultation vs. self-exultation. Glory to my name!? It makes me sick. I wrestled with the thought of decreasing my life that the Lord may be more. But I realized how this is not necessary. I wrestled with the eternalness of the Lord's blessing, how much he wants to fill all of me with ALL of Him. How this is possible I do not know. Who am I NOT to be WHO I AM? Right? Right. He created me for a purpose, to love and be glorified, bear fruit, and do greater works! All I want is to remain in this creation, this purpose.
He says, "I delight in your strength!"
"I can still do so much more for you without you having to reduce yourself. Remain as you are, and I will come over you and make my glory shine in your eyes."
"How I want to make known your name in all the earth!"
I think of this verse often these days. I cannot get it out of my head:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship.
It is worship to offer what I have for the Lord's pleasure. "An aroma sweet to His senses." I work as for the Lord and not for man. I work with all my might. I work with humility...
The everyday things, including my training, being in the gym nearly 7 hours a day, leaves little time for community and fellowship with my friends. I miss Alisha a lot. She moved up north. I have Laurel. We talk and pray and this is a blessing. We talk about how people who grow up in church hearing the teaching of their leaders and pastors and community. I have grown in a situation that sucks in this respect, no church community to grow me up, no pastors to look to for teaching... but...
But, Laurel says, God is my teacher. He teaches and speaks to me directly. Who has such a luxury! I hear his voice directly, not through someone else.
Talk about blessed.
His glory is swallowing my existence.
I start up school tomorrow after a good 3 weeks off. I am refreshed by having Aimee and Don here, the short work weeks, and very little training. I'm back on the training now, back on the paleo wagon, back on the school. French 122 Hooray! I'm stoked to get in the classroom again. I feel like I belong there. It stimulates me. People. People stimulate me most of all.
Acacia and Daniel come in three days. They are both mightily adventurous; the next couple weeks with them will be awesome no doubt. I'm excited about a lot. This year holds so much. So much pertaining to "growing up." I resolve to remain a child in spite of everything. The most impending prospect is college. College. Oh my! I am reminded of the power and beauty of repose and the pleasure of discipline. Practical, normal, good ol' everyday life. Life is happening NOW. I am. This day is special. I love Seattle. I love the people I have here. I juice this experience, so to speak, of all its goodness... The Lord always instills rest in the midst of craziness. I feel like I'm learning loads about the practical Christian life, Christ's life as a human being, his suffering and coming to glory. Glory. Asking: seriously, what would Jesus do? It is a cliche, yes, but a very important question.
Would Jesus weightlift? ha.
I wrestled with this paradox: the reconciliation of Christianity and sport. Christ-exultation vs. self-exultation. Glory to my name!? It makes me sick. I wrestled with the thought of decreasing my life that the Lord may be more. But I realized how this is not necessary. I wrestled with the eternalness of the Lord's blessing, how much he wants to fill all of me with ALL of Him. How this is possible I do not know. Who am I NOT to be WHO I AM? Right? Right. He created me for a purpose, to love and be glorified, bear fruit, and do greater works! All I want is to remain in this creation, this purpose.
He says, "I delight in your strength!"
"I can still do so much more for you without you having to reduce yourself. Remain as you are, and I will come over you and make my glory shine in your eyes."
"How I want to make known your name in all the earth!"
I think of this verse often these days. I cannot get it out of my head:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship.
It is worship to offer what I have for the Lord's pleasure. "An aroma sweet to His senses." I work as for the Lord and not for man. I work with all my might. I work with humility...
The everyday things, including my training, being in the gym nearly 7 hours a day, leaves little time for community and fellowship with my friends. I miss Alisha a lot. She moved up north. I have Laurel. We talk and pray and this is a blessing. We talk about how people who grow up in church hearing the teaching of their leaders and pastors and community. I have grown in a situation that sucks in this respect, no church community to grow me up, no pastors to look to for teaching... but...
But, Laurel says, God is my teacher. He teaches and speaks to me directly. Who has such a luxury! I hear his voice directly, not through someone else.
Talk about blessed.
His glory is swallowing my existence.
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