Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

A different kind of joy is bubbling up in me. It's the kind that is found in the assurance that there is something more to this life.
I've always had a desire to see things as a whole. Every thought or idea is intertwined with some other thought and idea. The patterns connected form a complete fabric of the UNIVERSE and all the questions and answers therein.
I want to know it all!
There is no limit to what we can know. And if there is one, it's racing away as fast as we chase it. The breadth and depth of what is there to comprehend is immeasurable. I look at the stars and infer this. I look out to the lights thousands of years away and realize I am also looking into the future. The future. It's all so vast, this time, this space.
My hunger for security proves itself in my never-ending drive to know things. Security is found in that illusion of control. If I know, perhaps I can control. I like to box things up and organize them. I want to say that I am going to go to college, then do this, then do that, then explore the world, and understand everything in it... It's all perfectly planned out.
But
God has a way of turning things upside down. He has a way of messing up the nest and making wise the simple. He has a way of completely blowing up our plans and almost literally blowing our minds in the process. Ok, I give up trying to understand you, God. You are much to big for me.
In the end, all this planning and controlling does is limit me.
God doesn't live in my mind.
God's ways, within and without me, are limitless. I cannot intellectually grasp Him. I cannot prove he exists with my mind. He couldn't possibly fit himself into my understanding. Anyway, He would probably refuse to squeeze into my box. "No, Kalli," He's told me, "you are meant to live for much much more than that."
He does, based on what the bible says, live inside me. "If you remain in me, and I remain in you, you will do greater things than I have done."
I guess he lives in my heart. That's what they've told me since I was a little kid. He lives inside that little organ that pumps life into my system. Less literally, he lives in my core, and my essence. He lives in my spirit. Get this: an eternal being lives inside me. Hmmmm. And while I go on trying to fathom what God is doing from the beginning to the end of time, He reminds me that eternity is in my heart.
This tells me that my heart knows much more than my intellect can understand. My heart already knows what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Those seeds are planted already, whether I can understand it our not.
Lately He's manifested in extraordinary ways, telling me that I am capable of extraordinary things. Superhuman and fantastic. He tells me to start getting used to calling myself badass, 'cause that's exactly what I am.

So, I'm throwing away my measuring stick, and all that security that comes with it. I am surely to be a city without walls. God as my wall of fire. God as my glory within.

should be quite an adventure.