i think of now. life. new flames. new desires. being transformed and ignited by the love of God. i've never been more in love.

i think of the human will. how strong it is. i think of philippians 2:13: "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." but first you must make habits. make it a habit to obey his commands, in this way you profess your love for him. make it a habit to abide in him. "come unto Me" he says. Come in the drudgery. Come in the extraordinary times. make it a habit. and he will make his will your will. this I have recently learned.

priska is gone. what an adventure it was!!! our personalities never meshed as i hoped, but i trust that her purpose in being here was fulfilled. i did my best to love, and not judge. breath in the difficult times, delight in the adventures, and give myself, not just my services. in retrospect, it was hard to love her. i feel invincible. i made it through that, i can make it through anything, i thought. but it's really God's invincibility, his faithfulness that has brought me through.

i learned something about myself, namely the way i process things and hold them in my memory. i have a hard time remembering events, i don't hold scenes in my mind, or recall the order of events. but i feel. i always remember the feeling. i can remember what it felt like to dance at st. johns. i remember how i felt sitting on the rock in the cascades. how it felt to hear the birds singing at the beginning of spring. if i can recall the feeling, the scene is more vivid. priska asked me on what day we did what climb in california and i couldn't recall.

i feel free. not the least bit lonely. in fact i enjoy this solitude and quiet. even with her gone, i think i'll still go on adventures. i'm learning to love seattle, and my eyes have been opened to the possiblities. maybe i'll ride the bus to the library, or go to the art museum by myself. or call natalya up. that would be wonderful.

the summer switch was finally turned on july 5th. the fourth was overcast and dumping, the 5th was 75 degrees. now it is ninety. yesterday, priska's last day we went to the lake beach. it was hot. i went swimming, sat in the sun for barely five minutes till my vampire eyes could stand it no more, and went and found grass and a tree. the tree i found had drooping branches (my favorite kind). how glorious it was to sit in solitude. to say little and think much. i sat with my book of william wordsworth poems (thank you dear acacia). i lay there and the cool breeze lifted me. i read and re-read this little poem that matched the song of my soul.

i wandered lonely as a cloud
that floats on high o'er vales and hills
when all at once i saw a crowd,
a host, of golden daffodils;
beside the lake, beneath the trees,
fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

continuous as the stars that shine
and twinkle on the milky way,
they stretched in never-ending line
along the margin of the bay;
ten thousand saw i at a glance
tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

the waves beside them danced; but they
out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
a poet could not but be gay,
in such jocund company;
i gazed- and gazed- but little thought
what wealth the show to me had brought.

for oft, when on my couch i lie
in vacant or in pensive mood,
they flash upon that inward eye
which is the bliss of solitude;
and then my heart with pleasure fills,
and dances with the daffodils.