this last weekend i went to Auburn for a youth group retreat at Camp Berachah.

i went to youth group for the first time last wednesday. the youth pastor, Abdiel, and his wife, Ashley, made me feel so welcome, and i connected with them very easily. i didn't want to go to the youth group at first, but for some reason i felt obligated to go. after all i am a "youth." i'm sure if there had been an obstacle of any kind, i would've chickened out but things worked out smoothly (i had a ride etc) and i figured i had no excuses. at the last minute i decided to go to the retreat. i kinda had a feeling there was something that the Lord wanted me to see, but i didn't know what. i resolved to just go with the flow and embrace it as a cross-cultural experience.

i had a very hard time jumping out of my comfort zone and spending time with these kids. on the drive over to the camp i doubted whether it was really worth it or not. i knew i wouldn't fit in. these kids' lives are so different from mine. they are hardened by difficult family situations and they live amongst the imminent pressures of society. they live in a culture that really saddens me. everyday at school they have to put up an emotional front to survive. there is so much pressure from the world to "be cool" and fit in. it hit me hard this weekend how difficult it must be to live in that world, and i realized how much i didn't fit in to it. i'm not cool. i'm quiet and reserved. when i want to tag along i always feel like a burden or a shadow. my social insecurities keep me from asking the things i want to ask or pitch in to the conversation. i don't talk like them. i don't think like them. i see the world from an entirely different perspective. i feel like i can understand what they go through but in a very detached sort of way. how can i relate? i thank god that i grew up apart from this but at the same time i am heartbroken and want to be part of their lives to love and minister. i want to be part of their lives but i don't want to live in their world or conform to their lifestyle. i wonder if there is a balance.

i call them kids, but really they are all around my age. i am smaller than most of them and had a feeling of being looked down upon the whole weekend. when asked my age, jaws dropped and eyes opened wide. "you have a job? you're homeschooled? i could never do that." they sorta crowded around me when i told them. i hated all the eyes on me, but just smiled and nodded. my replies to their questions were usually short sentences and i did lots of smiling and nodding, pretending to understand what they were talking about when pop music, rap or hiphop were brought up. (needless to say i was one of three white kids from all three churches that attended the retreat.)

the whole weekend, i knew there was a reason i was there. i didn't really know what to expect, but if i had any expectations they were all met or exceeded. the retreat part of the weekend consisted of on average 3 worships services/sermons per day, 5+ hours of free time when we could go swimming or play in the gymnasium (or sleep), small group discussions, rap-offs and dance offs (neither of which i took part), and eating very greasy camp food. the main speaker was very entertaining and liked to tell stories of the pranks he used to play on people when he was a kid (they usually had something to do with the message). the sermons mostly covered the gospel story, the topic of idolatry (who or what do you worship?), and the psychology of faith (who put that one in there, it was bad. i almost fell asleep). i only had a difficult time staying awake on the last day because i was on a major carb overload.

i made it through, managing to remain invisible for most of the time. well, there were a couple times i felt like a foreign specimen, but it wasn't too bad. i think i did more observing and people watching then i did anything else. once i actually went to the gym sat in a corner and watched people for 10-15 minutes till the gym was closed. it was very pleasurable.

if i took anything away from the experience it was just the realization that i am different and lucky. i am enabled to grow in my faith without the pressures of society weighing down on me, i can be myself freely without peer pressure to fit in or "be cool." i feel like i've learned the easy way by quiet studying and listening. i've gotten a glimpse of a different universe. i am overwhelmed with a desire to help, though i've barely even crossed the cultural boundary. i'm lingering on the edge it, dipping my toe in it. testing the water. it's frigid and sends a shiver up my spine. really lord? is this where you want to use me? i'm a stranger, how can i understand them?

sigh...

"...i will set you apart, but i will be your comfort."

ready.
set.
plug your nose.
close your eyes.
brace yourself.

and take the plunge.