Believe

so it's the weekend again and I'm alone in the house and I just want to write to someone or tell someone something so I can forget my loneliness.

Dear Everyone,

In my free time I read. That's all I want to do. I'm falling in love with the characters in my books and I dream about them. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. My mind is always eager to be in their world and that's the only place I want to be. I want to be doing what they're doing and going where they're going. I feel sorrow when I can't feel what they're feeling, because I've fallen into deep love. I guess that's just what good stories do to you.

Don't get me wrong though, I love my life, or at least convinced myself so. People may look at what I do and look at what I love and say that I'm crazy to be loving what I do, but that doesn't matter. I love what I do. I have worries that hurt me, but I can't think about them or they'll come true. I need to focus on Joy. Pathos.

I'm not really supposed to talk about how I feel when I feel bad during the week, which is a good idea, because I always need to be feeling good so I can convince the universe to give me what I desire, which is good feelings. But when I hold the bad stuff up all week I end up shoving it aside to take care of during the times I'm not thinking of gym. I hope I'm not making this too complicated. Anyway, this has been hard but I'm getting used to it. I have my journal to confide in, and my good family.

I learned something from Judge Nola, a judge/coach that comes into the gym twice a month to help with mental work. She taught me mental choreography, which is a series of words that keep your mind on the task at hand. For example when on beam you just want to be thinking about what your doing instead of what's going on around you so you may say things to yourself like "straight" or "head up" or " have fun". You build a strict choreography to what your thinking while you're doing skills. It's helps enormously...

I'm growing and I don't like it. I'm bigger and my leotards aren't fitting. It makes me mad each time I grow because I know that soon I won't be little skinny Kallista anymore, but more of a tall womanly figure. I want to stay small forever. Small and Powerful is my wish. My coach said she wants a body like me, slim, long lines but she'll keep her boobs. I think she pretty hot as she is, if I may say so. After she said that I felt a little more proud of me as myself. I whispered "Zone" under my breath. :)

I want Laurel and Chad to come visit me. I want to meet someone new and make a friend or be a friend to someone else... blah blah blah I just go on and on, and I get lost in my own thoughts, I feel like I'm not myself sometimes. Thank you for bearing with me, thank you for listening to my thoughts and caring. I want to be true to my own self. I want to keep discovering and I want to be a genius like all the characters in my books and I want to laugh, be content, happy, joyful, patient, compassionate, and go high in my tumbling. More than anything else, I repeat, I want to discover, to learn, and God and the universe will bend to my desires if I just....

Believe.

~Kallista Ianthe